LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Amazon Music | Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Pandora | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube
CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON
Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to matchmaker and dating expert Chi Love about inviting love into your life, the importance of compatibility before chemistry, trying different things to get different results, mental health and dating, arranged marriages, and the value of using a matchmaker to find your mate(s).
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Kenrya: Today we're talking to Chi, pronouns she and her. She's the CEO and founder of NYA Love and Dating Services. She's also a certified matchmaker and dating specialist who enjoys working with singles all over the United States ages 26 to 68 who are single, entanglement free and serious about their search to find true love. I love the parameters. We are gonna have to talk about that.
Kenrya: Her goal is to help others navigate the ups and downs of dating and relationships. She's determined to provide a matchmaking and dating service that continues to help her community thrive in the dating world. She's been nicknamed The Love Genie, as she does very best to make wishes come true. Her hope is to continue changing the world one heart at a time. Hey, Chi.
Chi: My pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.
Erica: Thanks for joining us. So, Kenrya has questions that she wrote out, but I always like to go a little off. So, we knew we wanted a matchmaker, right? So, we saw these best of... You then got to sort, find Black people, right? We sort and it was like, "Oh, those are Black faces." Then what really turned us on about you and your service is that one, you got Black people on your page. It is clear that you're Black and you're Blackity Black, and also it's clear...
Kenrya: And that you care about Black people and [crosstalk 00:01:54] pages in.
Erica: Can I talk about the picture? If we have to, we'll cut this part out. So, we were looking and there was this one chick and she had a website and this Black man had the worst fucking haircut on Earth, to the point where you could tell you don't know Black people if you thought that this was an acceptable photo to put on your fucking landing page. I was like, "Hell no."
Kenrya: Yeah. It was real bad.
Erica: I was like, "I ain't even going no further than this."
Kenrya: It was an instant move on.
Erica: But also, you make it clear that you work with not just cis het folk, but all of us, which we thought was so important. And it's great to... I mean, other people may do it, but from this front you were Black and inclusive. And so, we were like, "Yes."
Kenrya: And what was wild is that we were both going through lists separately and then we were emailing each other our favorites at the same time and you were both of our favorite [crosstalk 00:03:00].
Erica: Very happy you agree.
Chi: Thank you.
Erica: Yes. Okay. So, back to Kenrya's questions, I probably will veer again.
Kenrya: We're definitely going to veer because I got questions about how you pick who you work with, which I should-
Erica: [Crosstalk 00:03:19]. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Chi: So many things. I know I really just wanted to be happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be wealthy, but I didn't really have a specific thing that I wanted to be. I know in seventh grade I was very fond of Maya Angelou and I was like, "I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I just want to write because I love writing." And when I read “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” that's the title of it, I fell in love with literature in itself. So, I think I wanted to be a writer and a poet at a young age. Like, "That's what I really want to do." And mainly because of Maya Angelou because she was everything. When “Phenomenal Woman” came out, even still, it just gives me goosebumps.
Kenrya: Yes. Absolutely. So, how did you get from there to here? How did you become a matchmaker?
Chi: Yeah. So, I saw this movie, “Hitch,” with Will Smith and he was- He was such a good dating coach and he was funny and I was like, "Oh, I like him. I've always loved Will Smith, but I love what he's doing." And so, I Googled one day, because I live in Washington state, matchmakers in my area. Let me see if I can try to see what's around here. Nobody looked like me. I was like, "Oh, okay. So, not many people are doing this." And then, I got even more curious about what it would take to become a matchmaker. So, I started doing my research on different institutes and certifications and then I found the Matchmaking Institute and they have been the only matchmaking institute, if you will, to actually have someone go on to have their own show, which was The Millionaire Matchmaker.
Chi: So, I was like, "You know what? If I'm going to do this, I'm going to have to do it big." And so, I went with the Matchmaking Institute and they're based out of Manhattan. And it was very challenging in some ways to get started. It took me a while before I finally bit the bullet, but I was ready. And I launched February 2020 and I was excited because it's Black History Month, the month of love. And literally, less than two weeks after my announcement on Facebook and Instagram, "This is my website." COVID happened. I was like, "Wait a minute."
Erica: But I feel you probably... I mean, I am single. So, I was thinking "Girl, find somebody to snuggle in the middle of this pandemic."
Chi: It was a little bit of both. I had people that were like, "Oh, I'm not trying to meet anybody new. Let me see what's going on with this pandemic. We're supposed to stay six feet apart and you're telling me to come together." And I'm like, "Okay. You right." So, I had to expand and that's how my business grew. So, instead of staying in Washington state, I opened up my business to the US. So, anyone who's born and raised in the US or currently residing in the US, I wanted to work with them. And then, my business just grew and grew and grew.
Erica: Look at God.
Chi: Yeah. So, the pandemic was a blessing and a curse, but I focused on the positive side of things. I had to. Yeah.
Kenrya: Wow. Yeah. And you were flexible, which is important.
Chi: Very flexible. Yes. Very important as well.
Erica: So, who or what inspires you to do this work?
Chi: People, especially in our community, our people. A lot of people say, "Oh, I'm giving up on love." Or, "There's no more good ones out there." And I'm just like, "What? There's 7.8 billion people and counting. If you're patient enough to wait for it and do the work and be open and honest about what it is that you need and want and designing your life, it could happen for you." But it all comes down to mindset.
Chi: I mean, I remember I went through a very traumatic breakup and I was like, "I'll never love again. It's done for me. I'm good." All this extra stuff. And I'm just like, "Yeah." That's the thing a lot of people have. But if you think about it, you still have air in your lungs. So, why not go out there and just see what's available to you? As long as you are living and breathing, you might as well invite love into your life. Just be patient about it when it comes to the process and meeting new people and be open and honest. It's not an easy thing, but it's a beautiful thing when it works out. So, people inspire me, people that still believe in love in 2022, that's what inspires me.
Kenrya: That's what's up. So, okay. I want to revisit something from your bio. So, you have ages 28 to 68 who are single and entanglement free and serious about their search to find true love. How did you come to that set of criteria for folks that you will take on?
Chi: Yeah. So, I used to say 30. I wanted to start off with 30 because I feel like 30, people, they're really more excited and more serious, but then I met some really adventurous 28-year-olds. By that time, you've already graduated from college, most of them. Some of them are already career focused and all they're missing is that missing piece. And it's two years before 30, so they're trying to find that person right before. So, I figured 28... That's my starting point.
Chi: Now, I have worked with people slightly younger, but again, it just depends on who they are. But generally speaking is 28 up until 68, because 70... I mean, I feel like I can be hard sometimes, a lot of people are set in their ways. But I've been lenient if I like your heart and if I can just see that you truly want this and if I like your energy too. Because I don't want to shut someone away just because of their age, if they're really looking. But I have to also be honest. "Well, this is the majority of what I'm working with as far as clientele. So, it may take me a little bit longer, but if you're patient enough, I'll do my best to help you in any way I can." I just feel like those ages are where I could take people more serious, but not always, just generally, if that makes sense.
Kenrya: Yeah. And tell me about the entanglement.
Chi: Yeah. So, I love Will Smith and Jada. I love them a lot, but I did get the entanglement... I did get that whole... I don't even know what to call it. That term from Jada, what she said. Because I want people that are just ready. I don't want people that are still involved with someone else or still got something over. Because if I introduce you to someone that's just ready to love you and you're still over here with this person that doesn't really serve you, then maybe they give you what you want in bed, but they don't give you what you want relationship wise. Then you're just wasting my time.
Chi: So, please just be entanglement free and ready for something real because a lot of people are just out here wanting something to lay with, which is fine, but that's not what I do. I'm trying to introduce you to someone that you want to say I do to. So, when you come to me, just be entanglement free, I ask that respectfully.
Kenrya: Right. What's your favorite thing about what you do?
Chi: I love seeing people come together and like, "Ugh, you know what? I know I said that it's important that he'd be six feet tall, but 5'10" is just as good and we're working out just fine." Or people that stopped believing in it. I had this one gentleman who was 66 and he did not believe that I'd be able to help him because he's been in the army for 30 years. He's a retired vet and he's divorced. And he was just like, "It's hard. Dating out there is difficult." But I coached him. I coached him for several months and I gave him homework and he was able to approach a woman, take her out to dinner and now they're still dating and it's been months.
Chi: He didn't even need me as a matchmaker anymore, but he believed and he wanted to try something different and he was nervous. He didn't think that he should, he was like, "What can a 30-year-old woman or thirties, tell me about dating." I'm like, "Sir, you are 66. You still have air in your lungs. Let's just try this coaching and see how it does." And when I gave him homework, he was, "You will give me homework? I'm a grown man." I'm like, "Sir, what did you pay me for? Come on." But he was successful. He approached a woman at the grocery store, approached a woman at the gym, the one at the grocery store said yes, they had dinner and they've been dating ever since.
Chi: And it's beautiful stories like that. Love can be found at any age. You just got to be willing to try something different. You can't keep going to the same places and complaining about the people that you're meeting. You got to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new. So, yeah. That's what makes me happy, is actually changing people's love lives. Giving them hope again, because a lot of people have lost it, sadly.
Erica: I feel like I'm going to be like... Yeah. I feel like I'm going to [crosstalk 00:10:58]. Yeah. All right. Let's go. You're a lovely woman, but I will probably tell you multiple times over this interview, stay out of my business.
Kenrya: That's okay. What's the most challenging part of your work?
Chi: Okay. So, I would say 75% of my clients, sometimes more, are women. Women usually know what they want. Men take too much time trying to sow their royal oats or whatever you want to call it. Or [inaudible 00:11:39] probably gets in the way, "I don't need a matchmaker." "But you do though, sir, you do. You're trying to find a wife though, right? I'm confused." Or you're trying to find a husband just depending on how you identify. But when it comes to men and matchmaking, finding melanated, marriage-minded men, that has been the hardest thing for me because I'm very specific. And some of my clients aren't as patient.
Chi: So, we have to have the conversation. Valentine's Day, last month. "So, have you found me a..." "No. I know it's around Valentine's Day. I know you want them now, but I have your criteria. I know what you're looking for, but the people I'm screening, they're not measuring up." I have clients that they want to find someone that wants to get married within the next two years or want to have children within the next two years because of the biological clock. And I understand all of that. They've been to the doctors, they've frozen their eggs. I get that.
Chi: But I'm not going to just introduce you to someone willy-nilly just to say, "Here's your match." I want them to be someone that you can see yourself saying ‘I do’ to, I want you to be aligned on many different things. I focus on the needs. A lot of people, they focus so much on chemistry. I'm focusing on compatibility and hoping that there's chemistry because chemistry is a thing, "Oh. She is so fine, I cannot wait to get to know her." "Oh I love the way he smelled." But then like, "Oh. You have seven kids and you don't want marriage. Okay. Cool." You're not compatible, right?
Chi: So, the hardest challenge for me is getting people to focus on compatibility versus chemistry. That's a challenge. Because everybody wants to go off, "Oh. Well, he has to look this way." Or, "She has to be built like this." I'm just like, "Does she, though? Does he, though?" Because if you're 70, 80, 90 years old, I promise you that six pack or that fat ass isn't going to matter to you as much. [crosstalk 00:13:11].
Erica: Cute can get ugly real fast, that's what my grandma used to say. Cute can get ugly real fast.
Chi: It really can. I mean, I'm here for. It's a challenge, though, it is. I have a lot of in-depth conversations. I have to bring people back to Earth and I always tell people, "If you don't like a really direct approach and if you're not patient, I'm not the matchmaker for you. I'm not going to hold your hand and tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to be real with you." I'm very honest. I had a past client, she was in her mid-fifties. She demanded he'd be six feet tall, six figures, in shape with no gray hair.
Erica: You're marrying or whoring?
Kenrya: But also a child because no gray hair?
Chi: And I asked her, I was like, "Let's have another conversation, but let's revisit this conversation. I'm finding men for you, they just want to date you, want to get to know you, but they have some gray..." "No." "Honey, if I could dye my hair, so can he." So, she's no longer a client of mine. I wish her the best luck in her search. So, that's the thing.
Kenrya: So, what does it look like to you? Because I think we all know... Well, most of us know what it looks like to get on an app and look for somebody. What does it look like to work with a matchmaker?
Chi: So, every matchmaker is different. I've coined myself as NYA Love and Dating Services is the name of my company, but I'm also not your average matchmaker. That's what NYA stands for. So, I go above and beyond. I'm always head hunting. It is exhausting. I'm siding in DM's, I'm on LinkedIn looking for the professionals. Because it's an everyday thing and I can't be shy. If I see someone that I feel will be a good fit for my client. I'm walking up to them.
Chi: Checking for a ring first. If they don't got one, "Hi, my name is Chi. Are you single?" "Excuse me?" "Oh, I'm a matchmaker." "Oh, are you?" And then, people don't believe that matchmakers exist so, "I could show you my website. Let's have a conversation." And then, it's the screening, going over deal breakers. I even talk about pets. There's some people that would date someone that has one pet, but not two.
Kenrya: I couldn't [crosstalk 00:15:09].
Chi: That's what I'm saying. What if he's a great fit for you [inaudible 00:15:13]?
Kenrya: Because I'm allergic to cats. They would kill me.
Erica: I love dogs. I love dogs. And I used to have a dog and if I saw a guy with a dog, I was like, "No. Because you're not going to love my baby." "Mind you, I have a child." I was like, "You ain't going to love my baby the same way I love mine."
Chi: Yeah. And there's so many things to consider. There's so many parameters. I talk about everything. The consultation is an hour and 15 minutes of me asking you about who you are and what you're looking for. And it has to be done on video. I do not take consultation with people. "Oh, just give me a phone call." No, I need to see your face when I ask, "What did your last relationship teach you?" If you're like, "Oh, well..." No. [crosstalk 00:16:02]. Look at the camera like, "I'm over here, sir." Or, "Ma'am, are you okay?" I've had people break down during consultation, just start crying. I don't think you're ready to date.
Erica: I feel like a huge part of it... Yeah. Especially with the dating culture, it is therapy.
Chi: It is, essentially. I mean, I do find myself doing a lot of therapeutic type things, but I always tell people I'm not a licensed therapist, but I will recommend one if I feel like it's necessary. I think that therapy's a beautiful thing that we should not shy away from, especially in our community. I also do talk about mental health in my consultations, because God forbid, someone's hiding the fact that they have schizophrenia and I'm trying to introduce you to someone. Or you have multiple personalities, I want to know who are they going to meet.
Chi: So, that's another question I have to have with people and it's kind of uncomfortable, but I've had people reveal, "Oh. The last matchmaker didn't ask me about mental." I'm like, "Okay. Well, I will." Per HIPAA, obviously you don't have to share anything that you feel really uncomfortable disclosing. But if you're hiding something like that, that's major. There's so much stuff that I do that people don't even realize, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't. It feeds my soul. I wake up ready to do what I got to do, but it's an ongoing thing. There are no breaks, really. Even when I'm on vacation, I'm looking.
Erica: New city, new clients.
Kenrya: Oh, that's interesting. And I mean, thinking about the mental health thing, about... It's interesting, right? Because it's a set of things that you have to decide at what point do you disclose certain things about yourself, right? Because it's not everybody's business what you have going on with your mental health, with your physical health, with your sexual, with a whole bunch of different stuff. So, it makes me think of this question of at what point do you disclose those things? And if you disclose them to the matchmaker, does that mean that you've also disclosed them to any potential people that you're dating? How does that-
Chi: Oh, great question. Okay. So, here's the thing, right? If someone tells me straight up, "I've suffered from depression, but I've been in therapy." I also ask them... Another part of that question or the equation is, "Okay, are you open to dating other people that have also suffered from depression?" Because it's very common. Depression and anxiety is the most common thing, especially in our community. And mind you, I launched in February 2020, so the consultation was heavy. It's rough. We saw a lot. We're always seeing a lot as a Black community, but it was really heavy in 2020.
Chi: So, after asking that question and find out what they're dealing with. "Oh, you know what? I can definitely date someone who has depression because I know how to cope with it. I've been in therapy." And then, there are other people like, "I can't deal with it. I have myself to consider. It's something that I'm uncomfortable with, but I can deal with someone who has anxiety, because that makes me feel like I can just help them through that versus them being sad all the time or not knowing how to make them happy." I'm like, "Okay."
Chi: Everyone is different. But I always ask, "Is there anything you're struggling with? And are you comfortable dating someone else who's struggling?" And I get varied answers. "If they're in therapy, great." Or, "I don't mind because I do too." Or, "Only if it's a situational thing." Like a parent passed away or a child, that depression is real and understandable versus, this is something I use medication for, right? So, everyone's different. But I have to ask the questions. I do. And it gets really deep. I've cried in consultations. I've laughed really hard till I was crying in consultations. I love consultations. That's how I get to connect with people.
Chi: And sometimes we're a great fit, and sometimes we're not. If I don't like your energy or your negative, I can't help you. And that's what I had to learn, because in 2020 I said yes to everybody, "I'm a matchmaker. I can help you and you, you're all getting husbands and wives." But I learned really quickly I can't do that. So, in 2022, I know how to say "No, this is not going to be a good fit, my love. We'll have to go to someone else." Or because my website, I have some people, some white men that'll reach out to me, "Oh, I'm looking for a sister." I'm like, "Okay, sir. Let's learn more about that." "Yes. She has to be brown or really dark skin." I'm like, "Okay. Well, is this a fetish?" "I mean, well, it's a fetish, but I still want to marry." "No, sir. No. Just no. I wish you the best." "Oh, you're not going to help me? I could pay." "It's not about you paying."
Chi: I want to make sure that people I'm introducing are going to love people for who they are, not just because it's a fetish or something like that. You know what I mean? So, there's a lot of stuff that I do, but I'm the gatekeeper for my business, right? As a matchmaker, I want to protect my clients. I want to protect their hearts. Obviously, do the very best I can to introduce them to someone that they will truly like, although there are no guarantees because I'm focusing on needs.
Kenrya: Yeah. I want to say, as someone who has mental health issues, for everyone who is listening, we know that whether we use medication or we use therapy or we self-manage, that we are still deserving of love and companionship and that those things are not disqualifying.
Erica: My anxious ass is.
Chi: I'm so glad you said that.
Kenrya: I feel so blessed in that my partner is so wonderful and talking through my anxiety with me and it's something I told him early on, but everybody comes to that in a different way in terms of how they disclose and that kind of thing. And it's a lot, it can be a lot or it can be easy.
Erica: It's important to have... And I love that you asked that question because also, it makes it normal and I feel like if you talk to someone and they're like, "I don't believe in that shit. I don't do that shit." I'm like, "Well, all right."
Kenrya: Then that person...
Erica: I mean, as someone who's dating, you ask all the questions and get them out the way so that you can really... I find when I meet someone it's like, "Oh. I'm so excited. Please don't let this motherfucker turn on R Kelly in the car." That kind of shit, right? You'd be like, "He's great." And you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, you get all that out the way.
Chi: Yeah. So, you can just focus on if there is chemistry or not, all of those little questions that you would ask, do you have kids? All that, I already explained, I already have all that information. Even down to politics, I started adding, are you open to dating a Tr*mp supporter? Because I've been surprised before. I've heard everything. And that's a major thing, politics and religion and kids, those three always come up. Always.
Chi: And then, cigarettes, major deal breaker for many. But then, some people are okay with people smoking cigars like, "Oh, you can have a celebratory cigar every now and then. If you're celebrating something, you can go to a cigar lounge, but not cigarettes." And then, some people, they could be 420-friendly, but not cigarettes. So, it's just so many nuances, but I ask all the questions as much as I can.
Kenrya: That's pretty cool. I think a lot of people are afraid to ask the questions. We've been watching “Love is Blind” and being so blown away at the things that people are afraid to ask each other. But if you don't have those conversations right away, then you look up weeks, months in and realize that you have all these incompatibilities because you were afraid to talk about these things right up front. I mean, that was definitely me and my 20s, but I'm grown now.
Erica: I also like how you said, "I take care of compatibility so you can focus on chemistry."
Kenrya: That's dope.
Erica: I met this guy, he was great. But I kept saying, "He don't make my pussy sparkle." That's chemistry, right? And it's great to be able... I mean, he was a great guy. And so, being able to just focus on the chemistry part was actually refreshing now that I look back on it. So, yeah.
Kenrya: But I heard, but you just-
Erica: Because you got to make my pussy sparkle. [crosstalk 00:23:59]. You got to make it like a little sparkler. Okay. We're a sex podcast so we use erotica as a jumping off point for conversations about lots of things, including sex. So, we like to ask about the lessons folks learn when they're young. So, what was the prevailing attitude about sex and sexuality and gender in your home growing up?
Chi: Oh. All right. So, I grew up in a Nigerian-Christian home and I was told to wait until I was married. That did not work out for me. I was kind of the black sheep, I would say. Because I was the first one to explore my sexuality. I came out to my family as bisexual, which later turned to lesbian, which now I fully know that I am pansexual. And I don't think my family knew how to take that. There were a lot, "Let's pray the gay away." I've had a holy ghost. I've had people lay hands on me and at church gatherings and whatnot. And I just let them pray but I still love women afterwards.
Chi: I appreciate the efforts and I still believe in God. I'm so grateful for my blessings. But what I learned in my childhood versus what life showed me is completely different. And I just want to be happy and me identifying as pansexual, but hetero-romantic, that's a whole nother thing. But I had to come to terms of what that meant, right? So, being someone who's been in every type of relationship you can imagine, I don't shy away from any type of conversations. When people tell me, "Oh, I've tried this." Or, "I've tried that." Or, "I've been with my spouse for this long, but I'm thinking about other people." Or, "I have this kiss in college with a woman, but now I'm still thinking about her and I've been married for 20 years. Can you help?" I'm like, "Yeah, let's have this conversation."
Chi: Nothing scares me when it comes to life and love and sex because we're all just humans trying to find our way and society makes it really difficult for us to be proud and stand in who we are because we're taught from an early age this is not right. Especially if you're raised in a religious household, "You can't do this, you shouldn't do this." And I've met the biggest hypocrites in the church. And I'm not saying that everyone that goes to church is hypocrite, but I'm seeing some things and I'm not going to talk about the Catholic church. So, all I'm saying is I encourage everyone to be happy, do whatever makes your soul sing. That's what you should do, and explore.
Chi: Me personally, I've been in polyamorous relationships before. I've dated women. I've dated men. I've dated a couple before, they were married. I've dipped and dived and experienced. And now I know exactly who I am. And I think that everyone's different. Sometimes you need to experience things to know what you like. And sometimes you just know, but to each their own, just do whatever makes you happy and fuck what society has to say, because they're not going nowhere. Society will be what society's going to be, but you have to live with your decisions. So, yeah.
Erica: This might be a pedestrian question. And tell me [inaudible 00:27:06] simple ass question, would you be open to matching a couple or a polyamorous... Well, a couple or a pod. I mean, I feel like that would be so fucking difficult, right? If it's everyone together.
Chi: That's the thing. I've been approached before like, "Can you help us find a third?" And I'm like, "You know what? I don't discriminate at all, but that's just not my ministry. That's just not what I'm doing right now." It's too much hard to find a match for one person, but two. And then, I'm going to go with in depth like, "Oh, let's talk about love languages. What is your love language? And your spouse’s love language? What is their love..." It's just too much. [crosstalk 00:27:49].
Erica: I feel like that's a jump from arithmetic to algebra.
Chi: Basically. Yeah. No, I would not. But I'm sure there's somebody out there that does and there're different sites. I'm sure they can find something. I see a lot of people post on dating apps as a couple.
Kenrya: Yeah. For sure.
Erica: Speaking of apps... [crosstalk 00:28:13]. Why might someone go with a matchmaker instead of using the apps?
Chi: Yeah. So, it's just more of an in-depth experience, right? And I do run background checks. I do run background checks. On an app you can't really... I mean, you can get some information, but mostly, they're not running background checks. That's one thing. Also, there're certain things that I'll ask you that you won't get from a dating app. I mean, they'll say stuff like your height, your age, where you're located. Sometimes children, sometimes pets, but doesn't dive as deep. People can put stuff in their bio, but not everyone's going to be as thorough. So, I have this whole one hour 15-minute conversation. We've only been speaking here... What? I don't know. 28 minutes. And there's already been a lot that you've learned, but an hour and 15 minutes where I'm connecting with you one on one, I have everything about you. All the good things, all the things that I need to know in order to correctly match you with someone else, right?
Chi: So, you can't get all that on a dating app. But the bonus of having a dating app is all the options. So, it takes a lot of time, but you can swipe and swipe and swipe until you find somebody you connect with and go from there. But then, you still have to ask all the questions. Whereas, I already have those questions answered for you. And I'm presenting this person to you, thinking that they are a good match for you, it's only up to you to decide what you want to do with it. So, I think that's the benefit of working with the matchmaker, it's more of an in-depth approach. And then, you get assistance throughout your dating experience. Not just, "Okay. You matched. Good luck."
Kenrya: Right. No, that makes sense. Right. So, last week we read a book called “His Only Wife,” and it features a woman who marries a man who she doesn't know at the urging of their families. And it got us thinking about the ways that we go about looking for love, which is how we decided we wanted to have a matchmaker, which is how we found you and reached out. And you said yes, and all of those things. But so, one of the ways that some people, obviously, find folks are through arranged marriages, what do you think about taking that route to love?
Chi: Honestly, I think that arranged marriage is a great idea, as long as they have some criteria of what you're looking for. Obviously, there can be some things that come up and chemistry, that's the major thing, because they may be compatible but you don't know about chemistry yet. But once you're in a marriage, it's a full on commitment. You are committed, the utmost commitment. So, I think it's a great idea for those that are open to do it. I mean, I would do it. I'm a little bit biased though, I think. But I would definitely do it.
Chi: I mean, I just think it's important for people to just do whatever feels good to them, but just don't be that person that desires love, but just sits in the same corner every day and doesn't change anything about their love life. They're just sitting there, "Oh, well. Well, maybe one day they'll find me." I hate when people say that, "Oh, they're just going to find me how."
Kenrya: Like they're going to materialize [crosstalk 00:30:55].
Erica: In the book, the main character Afi, she has trouble saying what she wants from her partner. And you mentioned that you see that come up in your intake.
Erica: How do you help your clients figure out what they are actually looking for?
Chi: Yeah. So, my questions are really in-depth. They'll know exactly what they're looking for at the end of it. But people that struggle, I'm just like, "Listen. Very simple. We're all going to die one day as dark as that is, it's the truth. So, while you're on this Earth, why don't you focus on the things that bring you joy?" And if you're not getting something that you need that would bring you joy, it's best that you speak on it, right? Because what you don't want to do is end up resenting your partner, right? You don't want to just be sitting there pussy dry every time you're in the bedroom. For what? That's not fun for anyone.
Chi: I want them to experience as much love and joy and happiness as this world has to offer, but with a closed mouth you'll never get fed. And everyone needs to eat. So, I just keep telling them like, "Your happiness matters. Open that beautiful mouth of yours and speak, because they won't know otherwise." There's some men that to this day, and I'm not trying to bash any men here, but they think that they're killing in the bedroom and she's just faking every orgasm. I don't remember what the statistics are, but a lot of women fake orgasms and heterosexual relationships and they shouldn't have to, right?
Chi: Let him know what feels good and if something needs work, then just tell him. I always say the sandwich method is the best approach where you start off with the bread like, "You know what honey? I really like the way you stroke it from the back. It feels really good." And then, in the middle it's just like, "But I like the foreplay at beginning more." Yeah.
Chi: But you just got to hit them with the things that you really need in the middle. Like, "I need more foreplay. I need more kissing. I need you to make me feel more desire before we get into the bedroom." And then, end with the, "But I really like this." Or, "I really enjoy our sex life together. I just want us to be even more enjoyable." Because egos can get bruised really easily. No one really likes to hear that they're not performing as well, but it can only enhance the experience. So, just open your mouth and speak. Talk about the hard stuff. It'll pay off in the long run.
Kenrya: Yeah. So, another theme in the book is that Afi really struggles with knowing who to take advice from, as it relates to her marriage. And she takes some really bad advice, particularly from her family, they're all fucked up. But it makes me think about what does it look like to build a healthy support system for people who are trying to create and maintain healthy, romantic relationships, right? I think about the fact that when you're married or in a long-term relationship, you need to have people who are friends of your marriage, who, when you have trouble, are not fucking haters.
Erica: "Take your ass back home and talk to that woman, that man."
Kenrya: Exactly. So, what does it look like to build a healthy support system to create and maintain healthy, romantic relationships?
Chi: Yeah. So, two words, positive energy. You just want to surround yourself with people that have positive energy and people that are going to keep it real with you. You don't want the friend that's always going to be like, "Oh, it's okay. Everything's going to be fine." Because maybe they won't be. Maybe it won't be fine. Or maybe you're getting abused and you need to leave this man or woman or whatever the case may be. If you want to find your happiness, so you want people that are going to have positive energy, but also keep it real with you. Don't surround yourself with people that are just miserable all the time.
Chi: There's some people that still have friends that no longer serve them, but they're keeping them in their lives. "Oh, well. We go back 15 years." Who cares? Because if that person is no longer adding joy to your life or speaking life into you, then what do you have them there for? Life is fucked. There's some really fucked up news happening right now. And just life. The world that we live in, there could be a lot of anger and suffering and sadness. You have to make sure that your circle has positive energy in it. These are people that are going to speak life and joy into you.
Chi: It can get really rough out there without having a strong support system, but just pay attention to how you feel when someone's around in your circle. After you speak to them, do you feel completely depleted? Or do you feel happy and positive like you're make it through? You need people like that. Because I'm telling you, life could be hard sometimes. So, just focus on people that bring you joy and people that always have your best interests in mind, always. Positive energy.
Erica: So, what is the number one piece of advice you would give to someone who is looking for love right now?
Chi: Don't give up. It is rough out there, but for every person that you meet that is nothing like what you're looking for, there's going to be somebody that is. You just got to be patient. And try something different, try as many things as you can. There's some people that have tried the dating apps is not for them, they come to me. Great, you're trying something different. But I also encourage, in addition to me, go to meetup groups, go to singles events in your areas.
Chi: Meetup.com is very good at having something to do in every single city. Every single city, they always have something to do. And I encourage all of my clients, "Oh, I hired you." "That's fine. In the process of me looking, make sure you get yourself out there, get comfortable talking to other single people, so when I get you on this date you're not like... What are you doing?" Just get out of your comfort zone, but don't give up on love. You are worthy of love and you are enough. So, I remind people that all the time, but they just have to hear it enough times. So, yeah. That's my best advice.
Erica: Thank you.
Kenrya: What's your superpower?
Chi: This heart that beats in my chest, that's my superpower. Yeah. I have a lot of passion for what I do. I think that a lot of people would've given up. It is very tedious and it's a grind, but when people come together and they're looking at themselves eye to eye, face to face and they're kissing and holding and you're the reason why they're together and they found this love they didn't believe existed. That is everything. That gives me joy. That lights me up. So, yeah. I would say my heart and my passion, those are my superpowers for sure.
Erica: Cool. So, we like to ask... Kenrya writes the questions and she gives me one question to ask and my question...
Kenrya: That's not because I try to push you out, bitch.
Erica: No, it's because the entire interview would be like the questions I'm about to ask, right? Which make absolutely no sense and have nothing to do with it.
Kenrya: They're fun.
Erica: Okay. So, we're going to play a little game.
Chi: Oh, yes.
Erica: That I call the perfect pair.
Chi: Oh, okay.
Erica: So, I'm going to give you a category.
Erica: And you tell me the perfect pair. So, for example, food. Well, what I think is a perfect pair, Popeye's chicken and champagne. It's a perfect pair. Unexpected, but delightful.
Erica: So, food. Kenrya, you're going to have to answer this too.
Kenrya: Ah, shit.
Erica: So, tell me what you think is a perfect pair for food.
Chi: Food. Chicken and a grill.
Chi: Is that it?
Chi: I just like grilled chicken because I'm trying not to eat much fried. I love chicken taste grill.
Erica: Okay. I'll give it to you. Anything tastes [inaudible 00:39:00] grill to be quite honest. Put a shoe on the grill and I'm like, "That bitch is good." What about you, Kenrya?
Kenrya: Fish and spaghetti.
Erica: Yes. Fish and spaghetti.
Chi: That's good too.
Kenrya: I was going to say rice and beans because I eat a lot of rice and beans, but fish and spaghetti is my all-time favorite.
Erica: Okay. Colors.
Chi: Red and gold.
Erica: Yeah. Kenrya?
Kenrya: I don't know. I mostly wear fucking charcoal with pops of neon. Black and white.
Erica: Okay. I like blue and pink. A bright pink and a dark blue.
Chi: I think royal blue is so sexy.
Erica: Yes. Okay. Musical acts.
Chi: Musical acts. Oh. Drums and dancing. No, that's not a musical act. I'm sorry. Circle back to me.
Erica: What you got, Kenrya?
Kenrya: Yeah. I don't know.
Erica: Look in the notes. I wrote that for you.
Kenrya: She put Jay-Z and Linkin Park because their mashup album that's one of my favorite mashup albums. That's true. I do very much love that. Thank you.
Chi: That song [inaudible 00:40:44] together. I don't know.
Kenrya: Yes. Yeah. “Numb” is on there. It's seven tracks and each of them is fantastic.
Chi: So, we're talking about artists?
Chi: Okay. When I say act, I thought about a drummer and something. Okay. I'm overthinking it. I forgot her name. That is so sad and I love her. No, I remember her name now. Janelle Monáe and Jill Scott. That'd be interesting.
Erica: That would be great.
Kenrya: That would be good. Yeah.
Erica: So, I'm simple. City Girls.
Chi: I did not expect that at all.
Erica: I told you I'm simple. Either that or Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. They always make a good combination.
Chi: I miss Marvin.
Erica: So, yeah. Either throwing it back or throwing back Motown style.
Chi: I'll take it. I love Motown.
Erica: All right. So, that is the Erica questions for today.
Kenrya: That was really... I like that perfect pair. That was cute.
Chi: Yeah. That was cute. I like it.
Kenrya: Yeah. All right. What are you reading right now?
Chi: To be completely transparent? Nothing. I'm seriously just focused on clients. I'm not even...
Erica: Reading these personalities.
Chi: Yeah. Personalities. I'm definitely reading personalities. Every now and then I dip and dabble back into the “5 Love Languages” book because I think it's very interesting. And it does help. I do require all my clients to do the love language test before the consultation with me so I can have a good gauge of where they're at. But yeah, I'm reading personalities, reading files of clients, trying to put things together, all that constantly.
Kenrya: I was just looking back. I don't know why. I think I was looking back at old pictures or screenshots or something. My partner and I did that. I think it might have been before our first date or maybe between our first and our second date. We each did it and then screenshot the results and sent it to each other. And I was just looking back at how fucking true-
Erica: Oh, my God.
Kenrya: The results are.
Erica: So, typically what I share with potential partners are my results for my BDSM test and that ranks your sexual kinks.
Chi: Oh, my God. I talk about that too.
Erica: I'm like, "I'm a sub and a rope bunny. What about you?"
Chi: Yeah. It's [inaudible 00:43:28] bunny.
Kenrya: That's so funny. I've never taken that test.
Erica: I'll send you the link.
Chi: It's long but worth it.
Erica: Yeah. But it's fun.
Kenrya: Yeah. Send it to me.
Erica: So, what's turning you on today?
Chi: Oh, today. What's turning me on today? Myself. I turn myself on today. I put some nice cocoa butter on my skin when I got out. And I'm touching my legs. So, I have a shorter dress on and my legs feel really smooth. So, I'm turning myself on today. Yes.
Erica: I love it.
Chi: Yes. I like that person so much. Me. Yeah.
Erica: Yes. Cue Beyoncé's “Feeling Myself.”
Chi: Yes. I'm having a good day.
Kenrya: That's awesome. Yay. So, you were telling us that you quickly expanded. I'm wondering... From Washington state to all of the United States, what's next for you? Not necessarily expansion, but what's next with your business? What's next with what you're doing?
Chi: Yeah. So, I am going to be having some singles events. I want to call it... Speed dating is cool and everything, but I want to remix it a little bit. So, not your average speed dating event and just have all type of things. Trivia that brings people together. I want to throw a love language game in there to get people to connect more. Maybe have a spades table, but have a trick to it. At the end, the winning couple group or something... I don't know. I'm just thinking of all these interesting things.
Chi: But I want to have events where people come together and meet and mingle and just have a good time. That is the next thing on my agenda. And just continue matchmaking and meeting new people and networking. That's really it. But it's an ongoing thing, it never ends.
Chi: It never ends. But there's just so much joy that comes with what I do. I think that the thing that I always wish, though, is that I could just snap my fingers and have the perfect partner for someone right there. But there's so much that comes with that, there's so much. But my clients... I have amazing clients and the people that have chosen me to be their matchmaker, out of all the other people they should have chose. I feel blessed that I have such amazing people and it just makes me want to find them their person even more.
Kenrya: That's great.
Kenrya: Well, after hearing that, I'm sure that there are lots of people who would like to find you, where can they find you online?
Chi: Yeah. So, they can go directly to my website. It is www. N as in Nancy, Y as in Yankee, A as in apple, loveanddating.com. So, nyaloveanddating.com. If they want to add me on Instagram, they can feel free to do so as well. My alias there is @NYALoveByChi and Chi is spelled C-H-I.
Kenrya: Dope. And it's the same handle on Twitter as well, right?
Chi: That is correct. Yeah. They can follow me on Twitter @NYALoveByChi as well.
Kenrya: So, you all go find her. Make that happen. Get some help with the love if that's what you all are looking for. Yes. In the meantime, thank you all for listening, but even more importantly, Chi, thank you for saying yes and coming on and talking to us today.
Chi: I will always say yes to you all. I love your energy. I love what you're doing. I love the name of the podcast. Yes, I'm here for it. I'm so here for it. So, yes, thank you so much for having me. It was truly a pleasure.
Kenrya: Yay. Awesome.
Erica: You're so welcome. Thank you.
Kenrya: I hope all of y’all also got some pleasure out of this episode and we appreciate you all for joining us and we'll see you all next time. Take care.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now in your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast, so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex-and related questions.
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon. Holla.
LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube
CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON
Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read N.D. Jones' "Of Fear and Faith" and talked Black spirituality, the two lists everyone should make before they start dating, having panic attacks after seemingly "fine" dates, the importance of having a strong block game and lingering gender roles.
The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Welcome, welcome, to this week's episode of The Turn On. This week, we are reading “Of Fear and Faith” by N.D. Jones. So sit by, relax, get your wine, get your weed, get your whatever you need, and enjoy.
Kenrya: “Of Fear and Faith” by N.D. Jones.
Kenrya: Assefa pulled her to the bed, but it was she who pushed him down, straddling him as she had done earlier. He was hers now, so Sanura eagerly kissed and licked every scrumptious inch of Assefa's neck, shoulders, and chest, pleased when she heard him purr in pleasure. She slid down his mighty body to free his arousal from the boxers, tossing them to the floor. Impressed and feeling like she should give a shout-out to Sekhmet for creating such a fine specimen, Sanura stared at Assefa's magnificent, bronzed body. The touch, sound, and taste of him hypnotically unnerving. Animal or male magnetism didn't begin to capture the explosions he set off deep inside her. Unable to speak both binding and fathomless words of commitment, she poured all her emotions into exploring his body, enjoying locating all the spots that most made him purr.
Kenrya: Just when Sanura was about to take him into her mouth and suck him until he squirmed under her mind-blowing administrations, losing all control, Assefa rolled her over and then effortless divested her of her panties. Damn him.
Kenrya: "You tortured me enough, temptress. I see you like to play with fire."
Kenrya: She wiggled teasingly under him, his penis heavy, hard, and not where she wanted it.
Kenrya: "I'm a fire witch. That's what I do."
Kenrya: "It is? Well, I got something for you, my little witch."
Kenrya: Sanura just bet he did, and she couldn't wait. But Assefa jumped from the bed, and less than 20 seconds later, he was back with a triumphant smile and a closed fist. He opened his hand, and gold, sparkling paper unfurled.
Kenrya: "Boy scout," she said with a smile and then paused, looking closer. "Magnum?" Her grin widened. "Braggart."
Kenrya: "Fire and ice condoms, temptress." He showed her the profile of a warrior of ancient Troy and winked at her, slow and outrageously cute. "We wasted one earlier."
Kenrya: He tore one open and put the condom on, rolling it until it covered his magnificent girth. "If you aren't tired, we'll see how much fire and ice we can stand."
Kenrya: The glow of his eyes was his only warning before he took Sanura in a hard thrust, ripping a scream of pleasurably shock from her. "And you're so soft and wet," Assefa moaned.
Kenrya: Every part of their bodies joined in an electrical dance that shot through her like lightening through a tree, powerful and unforgiving. Pulsing, throbbing white heat invaded the room, captured and then released as the rhythm pounded loudly and methodically to the beat of their own making. Passion-filled groans charged the atmosphere, sacred names broke the sound barrier, and a soul-rendering symphony made up of an orchestra of two intertwined bodies of sweat and desire.
Kenrya: "Oh gods, yes, yes," Sanura yelled, not caring how loud she was. Right now, she felt more than capable of outscreaming even the Banshee Queen. And for the love of Isis, was Assefa growing inside of her? Longer? Thicker? Gods, to savor. He was, he had, and she was full to overflowing, receiving more than she'd ever dreamed possible.
Kenrya: Eyes a dark shade of gold now, Assefa's fangs slipped a little from his gums, the tips of them below his top lip. At this moment, Sanura knew his cat instinct was to claim her, to bite into her flesh and take her as his mate. His mate. Sanura tensed. Assefa stopped. Her fire spirit raged, hissing at the wanting to complete the joining, to not fear the unknown, the uncontrollable. He stared down at her, his body trembling. For mating need or halted pleasure, she couldn't determine. With clear effort, if not reluctance, fangs lifted then disappeared. The mood threatened to follow. She watched him, wondering what he would do now. If he would decide he made a mistake taking her to bed.
Kenrya: Then, like replacing a dead battery, Assefa sparked to life, nipping her shoulder. No worries. He began to move, setting the pace, a slow speed that was no less intense, no less toe-curling for its lack of raw force. There were no more words, no more attempts at claiming, no more fear. Just the heat, just the passion, just the burning pleasure of two bodies in search of unforgettable rapture.
Erica: Okay, y'all, welcome back. That was “Of Fear and Faith” by N.D. Jones, read by the lovely Killa' Ken.
Erica: So Kenrya, this story, this book, is full of lots of twists and turns and spoilers that I don't want to give away, so take it away.
Kenrya: Yeah, that's right. Okay, let's see. How can I do this? In this book, our two main characters... Oh, it is hard to do without telling too much information.
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: Sanura and Assefa have generational power that is vested in them.
Erica: So first, it's a witchy book, right?
Kenrya: Yes, it is.
Erica: It deals with spirituality and witchcraft and that kind of thing, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: Yes. And it's rooted in stories of the Orishas and things, which is pretty cool, because it is very distinctly a Black witches’ tale. But it's obviously fiction, so there's just this wonderful world and all this lore that the writer created. Basically, they have a connection, but they don't know it until they meet. But they sense it instantly. And the two main characters come together because there is a creature that is killing witches in Baltimore.
Kenrya: In Baltimo'. And they both represent two of the factions that have a stake in trying to figure out what this creature is, where it is, and to make it stop killing witches. They come together and sense that they are tied together in some way, and hijinks ensue.
Erica: Dot dot dot.
Kenrya: Including this, this lovely sex scene.
Erica: This lovely romp. Okay, so I feel like this is... First, this is our final full-length episode of Season Three. Round of applause. Baby, make that ass clap. But I also feel like this is just such a... so timely for where I am in my life right now.
Kenrya: You do?
Erica: I feel like we haven't caught up in a while. I mean, you have so much going on, and so I'm trying to give you some space.
Kenrya: Thank you. But I'll be needing breaks sometimes. Y'all, I got some medical stuff going on. We don't really know what it is. I'm tired.
Erica: I literally usually call Kenrya like, "So, there's this ingrown nail, and I need you to look at it." But I'm trying to chill. So a few things. One, I am reshaping, reevaluating, looking at my spirituality. It's always been a journey, and I've always kind of considered it loosey-goosey. But I recently made an ancestor altar.
Kenrya: You told me last night, yeah.
Erica: Yeah, so I recently made an ancestor altar. I started reading this book about Orishas and Voodoo queens and all of that, and it has really been speaking to me. Kenrya's face is like, "Oh, shit."
Kenrya: I mean, I'm surprised. And also, we have some folks who are really deep in that world who could be great resources if you...
Erica: Who I have been talking to actually.
Erica: It's been a journey. I'm reading the book, and one of the things that it's first telling me is, "Yeah, this Orisha stuff is great, but you need to start with ancestor work." I was listening to this podcast... this woman on... I'm not sure if it was a podcast or a YouTube. Oh my gosh, I need to figure it out so that I can properly attribute it to her. But she was like, essentially, ancestor work is like when you were a kid and you're walking around with your parents, I can't walk up to you and give you candy. I got to talk to your parent and say, "Hey, parent, is it okay to give this kid candy?" So although I might feel like I have some special connection to Yemaya or Oshun, I can't be running up to them like, "Hey girls, what the deal? Give me all your ju-ju." No, I got to work through my ancestors, because they will give me what I need at the appropriate time in order to make what I receive from the Orishas digestible.
Kenrya: For you, yeah.
Erica: So I mean, I don't know where I am in this. I just know that I am.
Kenrya: I love it.
Erica: And it has been very interesting. Also, you all are literally in me and Kenrya's updating each other on our lives.
Kenrya: Catch up.
Erica: I have been really going hard with my entrepreneurship, and the person that I'm working with that's helping me develop my brand and website and all that, she practices. We talk a lot, and she has been giving me a lot of guidance in addition to the people you're probably thinking of that I've had to call and be like, "Look, girl, so I have a question." I feel like this is all tangled and tied up together, and somehow I have to... I feel like my path through figuring out spirituality, like what spirituality looks like for me in this stage of my life, is tied to my role as The Erotic Revolutionist, my role as bringing about a change in the way that a women friends and nonbinary folk experience and feel and think about and talk about sex. And so when we first got on the call, I was telling Kenrya that I'm praying for patience every morning, because I feel like I have all of this stuff in me that I have to get out, but it has to get sorted to get out.
Erica: That's where I am.
Kenrya: That's all pretty fucking cool and entangled.
Erica: Yeah, it's very entangled and not that kind. But it's been interesting. It has been interesting. And then today, I sat and did some talking. Right now I still feel like I'm talking to myself. But at some point, it will kick in.
Kenrya: I'm sure it will. I think even in doing it with my daughter, when she first started to pray without me, she was like, "I mean, can he even hear me? Because it feels like I'm just talking to myself." And then I'd be like, "Yes, and even if it's in your head, he hears you." And she's like, "What?"
Erica: Like, "I got to check these thoughts."
Kenrya: Exactly. But I think she's coming to that place where God feels like her homeboy in a way that he does mine, and it's been pretty cool to see. But it's just time.
Erica: Yeah. And we've been wanting to do a witchy-
Kenrya: Witch book. For a long time.
Erica: For a long time. And it took a while to find one that kind of just matched with all... hit all the buttons for us.
Kenrya: I mean, it's definitely got some binary stuff that was interesting and not necessarily our lane. But other than that, we had so much trouble finding a witch book that felt Black.
Erica: That felt Black, that didn't feature some Nordic goddesses. So it was good that we got to do this, because I think also, I feel like... and we'll talk about this next week with Haylin, but I feel like we think about witchy stuff and witches as this "bitches in the park in all Black.” We thinking of Azealia Banks, right, boiling cats.
Kenrya: Oh no.
Kenrya: Didn't she have chickens in the closet or something?
Erica: Yeah, she was doing some like... Yeah.
Kenrya: Sacrifice or something, yeah.
Erica: Yeah, and then recently she was on Instagram, and I think they said she boiled her cat.
Erica: I mean, it was like a dead cat. She dug up her cat and then boiled it. And they were like, "She gon' eat the cat!" And she was like, "I don't even eat dead cows."
Erica: "I was about to tamoxify it." Not tamoxify. "Taxiderm it." I was thinking cancer medications.
Kenrya: But I think there's so much mystery and skepticism.
Kenrya: And also this idea that the different parts... I love the way you were talking about how all of this entangled, because I think people tend to sit certain things over there.
Erica: Yeah, and it's all... "Mm, y'all." Everyone said, "Y'all be afraid of witches," but then you be like, "Don't put my purse on the floor. Don't sweep over my feet. Don't break this glass."
Erica: And it's like, "Mm, come on."
Kenrya: "Don't let nobody sit on your bed." All of these things that are so ingrained in who a lot of us... especially I guess people with Southern roots, Black folks in this country... that we fucking live by.
Erica: Yeah, and the more I learn and the more I think about it, it's just so beautiful. The story of Black religion is the story of Black Americans or Black people across the diaspora, because you take this very African thing, and then you turn it into what works for you. I mean, people probably know this, but it was new to me... About how they have the Catholic little statues and stuff. And so people in Voodoo cultures or in Voodoo religion... I probably was talking about it wrong. But anyway, people practicing Voodoo would stuff their own prayers, their own... I want to say trinkets... idols.
Erica: In the statues, and they're praying to that because it looks like you're praying to the Virgin Mary. And it's like, "Yeah, girl. Whatever. You're praying to who's inside of that."
Kenrya: Because white supremacy does the work of vilifying-
Kenrya: ...the things that come naturally to us and the things that have been a part of our culture and a part of who our ancestors were and are forever.
Erica: And so it's just beautiful. I'm busy as hell. I'm harried. But I'm trying to enjoy this journey, because I feel like the journey is going to help me figure out what the hell this looks like in the end. But damn, okay.
Erica: But something else that stood out in the book that's very, again, apropos for me in my life right now, is the dating. The two people... what are their names again? I'll fuck it up.
Kenrya: Assefa and Sanura.
Erica: Assefa and Sanura. These glasses are too big, so they keep falling off. That's what I get for buying $3 glasses on Instagram.
Kenrya: They're super cute. Oh, that's where you got them? Wait, are those the ones that were pink and green, but everybody was like, "They'd be cuter in a different color."
Erica: These aren't them, but I have those in green and brown. Green, black, and brown. I'll show you those later. Same company. Adore it. But one of the things that... Oh, and we're not giving the details on that, because they are not Black-owned and we ain't getting no money off of it. Holla at a playa if you see me on the street, and I'll give it a chance.
Erica: But I am currently dating, and I am trying to date with intention and be serious about what's going on. And so a lot of these issues that are coming up here are very... these are things that I have to actively ask myself. I've got to make an appointment with the therapist now that I'm talking, because I don't have an appointment. But these are things that I definitely have to now... I'm talking myself through as I am actually meeting great people. And it's like, "Okay, Erica, is it this? Is it that? What are you doing?" It's constantly an assessment, that kind of thing.
Erica: What are you thinking?
Kenrya: It's interesting. I want to know. Tell me the things.
Erica: Oh, okay. I met this guy. He's nice. We're having a great time. And I'm asking myself... like it's not intense, but it's lovely. Does that make sense?
Kenrya: Do you want it to be intense?
Erica: That's the thing. Do I? I'm used to intense, but I'm also divorced. I got a trail of bad relationships behind me. So I'm used to intense. Intense feels normal. But it's like, is intense good for you right now? And so I'm trying to ask myself... One of the things that happens in this book that we touched on, talked about, is a thing with love bombing, which is when someone shows up and they're everything you need and everything you want. It's the greatest thing. And then six months later, you're like, "What the fuck am I doing? How did I get here?"
Kenrya: Yeah, usually it's a cover for them being actually a shitty person, but they want to get you under their spell before you figure it out.
Erica: Exactly. Or they could just not be for you.
Kenrya: I guess. But love bombing very much to me shouts, "I'm going to fuck you over, but let me do this right quick so that you don't notice."
Erica: See, I don't know if I've got... I've met people so far that have done me intense love bombing, and I think some of it has been they're shitty people. Some of it I think is that they are so... They desire a relationship so much that they're going to do whatever it takes to get that relationship. And so I find myself doing the thinking for the both of us because I'm like, "Hey, hold on. You don't know if you want all that from me." That kind of thing. Because I met this one guy, and I do think he was truly genuine about... I think in his mind he thought that this is it. She's the greatest. And I mean, a bitch is. But I think it was from a, "She cool, I'm cool. She's single, I'm single." But it wasn't like a... Is it really that?
Kenrya: Or making someone up.
Erica: Yeah, are we just doing this because you free, I'm free, let's kick it? And that there is what I am trying to suss out in everything right now.
Erica: I met a new guy, and he's nice and it's fun. I think that I'm recognizing that in the past, a lot of my relationships have been passionate from the start, which is good, but is it? Is it right? Is it what I need? And I want whatever I go into next to be, if not the one, the one for a long ass time.
Kenrya: I'm going to sound like a broken record, because this is something I've been telling you as your best friend for years now.
Erica: I need to write a list. I need to write a list. I need to write a list.
Kenrya: I don't know how you can be intentional about what you're looking for if you haven't figured out what you're looking for.
Erica: Okay, cut.
Kenrya: And it doesn't have to look like a checklist, because I know that you worry that that taps into your OCD. But there can be some creative ways that you can... Because how do you know if someone is what you want if you don't know what you want?
Erica: Okay, don't be looking at me like that, because I have-
Kenrya: This is why you keep me around.
Erica: I literally have started a list.
Erica: Hold on, let me see if I can flash it. What I want in a partner.
Erica: Whatever bitch.
Kenrya: It's on her phone. It's in Notes y'all.
Erica: I definitely have started a list because I'm dating, and so now I'm learning what I like and what I don't like. Like, "Oh, I can't do that?" One of the things that I'm realizing, I met some really nice guys that are just really comfortable in their jobs, and I'm not comfortable with that.
Erica: No. Let me not say that.
Kenrya: Like you want them to be more ambitious?
Erica: I need ambition. And not to the like "I've got to hustle every weekend" ambition. So I met this guy, and he was a medical coder. And I'm like, "Okay, that's cool. That's cool." And he's like, "Yeah, I can do it in my sleep." And I'm like, "Did you want to go to med school or nursing school or something." "Yeah, I did, but I don't want to no more. I just like this. It's cool. I get paid. I get good raises, and the benefits are cool. So I'm going to do that." And I'm just kind of like, for me, it's like, "Dude, you're 37." I'm not comfortable with someone being comfortable in that for the rest of their life. And maybe it's because now I am at the point where I'm like, "I can't be sitting behind this desk for the rest of my life."
Kenrya: That's what I was going to say, because I feel like you have done jobs where you were doing them because they were rote, right?
Erica: Yes, but I always knew-
Kenrya: And it got to the point where that was untenable for you.
Erica: I always knew that that wasn't the end. This guy is like, "I'm fine retiring from here and getting a Rolex or getting a nice watch, getting my Timex." And to me, I'm just not comfortable with that. Not saying that... I don't need you to be like, "I'm about to create this app and take over the world." But I also... What were you going to say?
Kenrya: I want to speak to that without at all feeling like... I don't want to at all feel like I'm yucking your yum.
Erica: Yeah, but I also am trying to figure out how to properly articulate that, because I also don't want to make it seem like I want some like...
Kenrya: Like it's classist.
Erica: Yeah, because my granddaddy was a janitor. My momma ain't have a car. So we ain't... But it's just, I want someone that's going to strive for more. But at the same time, I'm learning my love language is physical touch. Shut up, bitch. And quality time.
Kenrya: Yes, I could have told you that a decade ago. So it's interesting. The thing that's on my list is-
Erica: I'm rolling my eyes at you so hard.
Kenrya: Whatever. Is that the person has to be happy with what they do.
Erica: Yes. Well, no-
Kenrya: Well, let me finish.
Kenrya: One, I've been with men who were really unhappy in their jobs no matter what it was that they were doing. And so I find that when men... when people in general are unhappy in their jobs, they tend to bring that home and they are unhappy because you spend so much time working. And so I want to be around people who find... I don't think that work should be the seat of our joy, because it's fucking work and we're in this capitalist society where we have to do this shit just to survive. But I also don't want to be with someone who is hating what they do for hours upon hours out of the day. I don't actually care what they do as long as they're not a cop. But they have to be able to take care of themselves financially, and they have to be able to say that they are happy in the work that they are doing.
Kenrya: And as someone who has been an entrepreneur for a long time honestly... and I sometimes talk about this with my partner who is also an entrepreneur... we spend a lot of time sitting up working together.
Erica: I mean, look. A good every two weeks check is delightful. That's where I am where I am and have been for a while.
Kenrya: Yeah, and I can appreciate... I can't honestly remember the last time I was in that kind of a situation, because even when I worked at magazines it was still a "you've got to be there ’til whatever time at night." But the idea that you can just go to work and do your job, and at five o'clock you can fucking leave and you ain't got to think about that shit until nine? What?
Kenrya: I kind of love it. And I do not at all hate the idea... I get it. I get why that is comforting and why that is something that someone would want to do. It sounds fucking dope. It's just not for me, because I don't want nobody over my shoulder. But I completely get the impulse.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah, so I'm still working through it. Because also, I'm not trying to sound elitist. I'm still trying to figure it out. And I appreciate you bringing that nuance to the conversation, because I ain't trying to block my blessings, because girl, I be driving slow.
Kenrya: They come at a lot of different points.
Erica: I be driving slow behind them trash trucks like, "Hey Zaddy."
Kenrya: Oh, because they be fine.
Erica: "Hey there. I see how you slug that trash can with one arm,” my nasty ass.
Kenrya: But I'm really glad that you have a list and that you're being intentional in your dating.
Erica: Whatever, bitch.
Kenrya: Stop rolling your eyes at me.
Kenrya: I'm being supportive.
Erica: Yeah, but also, okay, so here's the thing. I literally met somebody... I'm trying to debate if I'm going to share this.
Kenrya: How much...
Erica: How much I'm going to share. We're going to go, and some of this might get cut out. So I literally matched with this guy two days ago. So far, everything on my list. Everything, down to good teeth. Down to good teeth. And here's the thing. He knows a lot of my... a few of my friends. And one of my friends, who is very, very discerning, she was like, "Oh, he's cool people. You better swipe on him." I was like, "All right." And so now, the reason that I don't want a list is because I'm looking at this list and I'm looking at him, and I'm like, "Oh my God, Erica. Don't fuck it up. Don't blow it. Don't accept fuck shit."
Kenrya: Oh, because of the pressure.
Erica: And so now it's just like... yeah.
Kenrya: So the list got him in the door, right? Did you make the other list? The list about how you want to feel?
Kenrya: Okay. So the second part of the list exercise is to make a list of how you want to feel when you're engaged with this person. That helps you to move past that superficial "this height, this teeth" whatever to, "All right, does this person-?"
Erica: Oh, I do have a little bit of how I want to feel.
Kenrya: Mixed into that one?
Erica: You see that?
Kenrya: I do, yes. Good. So then in my... What I have done is-
Erica: I hate you! Your turn me into...
Kenrya: I use that list to help guide things moving forward. Once, "Okay, cool. That's what's up. They met that criteria." But then there's so much more. And then a lot of that comes down to not just being intentional, but listening to yourself.
Kenrya: I went on a date with somebody who seemed fine on the surface, but when I got home from that date, I had a panic attack, remember?
Kenrya: I remember sending you a picture that I took with him, you and our friend, and you all were like, "Oh, you all look like an ad," or some bullshit. I literally got home, laid on the couch, and had a fucking panic attack. Called you and said, "I need your therapist's information right now." And that began my latest journey into therapy, because my body-
Erica: Latest and most successful.
Kenrya: Yes, thank god. All the alarm bells were going off in my body, but I couldn't see it.
Erica: Yeah, yeah.
Kenrya: But once I listened on that fucking couch where I couldn't settle down...
Erica: It was like, "Oh, bitch, you going to listen."
Kenrya: Yeah, so that's the next part of being intentional, is trusting in your intuition.
Erica: Yeah. Bitch, how are we there in the fucking book?
Kenrya: That actually brings up something that was key in the book to me, was that Sanura was waiting for the other shoe to drop, right? This man checked of all the things that she wanted.
Erica: Baby, baby.
Kenrya: But she was like, "What's wrong with him? What's going to fuck this up?" And I was just having this conversation with my partner about how... I mean, I can't speak for everybody, but I have definitely very often found myself with people who seem fine at first, and I was waiting for the shoe to drop, especially once I got healthy. And he was like, "Well, wait, were you waiting on the shoe to drop with me?" I say, "Yes, baby."
Erica: Yeah, yeah!
Kenrya: He was like, "Well, what did you think it was?" And I was like, "I don't know."
Erica: Anything, anything.
Kenrya: I was like, "It could have come from anywhere because I was on fucking keep my head on a swivel."
Erica: You can't even probably prepare for it, because you be like, "Okay, this date got a baby. He got another wife." Or something. You're preparing for that, and then it be like...
Kenrya: Right, there's going to be a family across the country. And then it's like he spent too much money on shoes or some shit.
Erica: Yeah, it will be anything.
Kenrya: It could be anything, yeah.
Erica: And I have been dating another guy. Damn, shit. I don't know how much of this we're going to do. Well, fuck it. Niggas need to know they got competition. So I'm dating another guy, and it's nice and it's fun and things are good, but...
Kenrya: Are they? Look at your face.
Erica: I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Also, it's not so like... I think the biggest thing that I'm dealing with right now is I am so used to the highs. And it was always like... Like with me and my ex-husband. When the shit was great, it was fan-fucking-tastic. But when it was horrible, it was low. He did not beat on me.
Kenrya: No, he did not.
Erica: Sorry, I had to say that for my cousins. My cousins listening to this.
Kenrya: He did not. He would have got... Well.
Erica: Yeah, everybody would have fucked him up. And so I think because I've only always swung both sides of the pendulum, I'm looking for consistent happiness. And I know consistent happiness is not always a 25 out of a 10. You're not going to wake up every morning like, "Oh!" Because that's just like... Your mind gets numb to... It's kind of like if you... Oh, you're shaking your head?
Kenrya: Girl, I am consistently happy.
Erica: I love it.
Kenrya: But it's the first time. I'm almost 40, and it's the first time I ever felt this way.
Erica: But I mean like, okay. Damn, now you ain't... Well, shit.
Kenrya: Damn, I just made it worse, right?
Erica: No, I'm about to send a fucking few text messages. Because also, I am firmly comfortable being alone. And maybe it's only because I'm only a few years into my journey, because I feel like I look at some folks and they be like, "Send me a man!"
Kenrya: But I feel like you've got to get there to get there. Until I got comfortable being by myself because... Well, first of all, our therapist forced me to be. And then I was like, "Oh, this is beautiful." I wouldn't have been ready. In session all the time, we're doing... She'll just say, "You know, I just got to say again, girl, don't you... I'm so glad we did that work.”
Erica: I be like, "Girl, just mind your business."
Erica: Mind your business.
Kenrya: Patting herself on the back and whatnot. But she's right, and if I hadn't gone through being by myself, but also doing the work, right? Not just being by myself and pining, but being by myself and figuring out why I never liked to be by myself before, being by myself and figuring out what it was that I actually needed and I wanted, being by myself and figuring out how was it I wanted to feel, and what I would accept and what I wouldn't accept, that is what laid the groundwork for me to be in a relationship where I am consistently happy. Realizing that it is not the partner that brings the happiness, right? It is the union that we've created and the life that we're creating together that helps to boost my overall joy.
Erica: Yeah. And I feel like that is key. That's the part where it's like, "Oh, we got to get there."
Kenrya: But I will say, you're dating and things feel unsure, but shit pop up. You know what I mean? My partner was living two minutes away, two blocks away. Never would have met him out on the street, because he always in the car and I'm always fucking walking. It was an app. But it was random. It felt random. I dropped the age on the app, and there he was. And I was like, "Fuck it, let's give it a go," because he had a nice smile and he looked like he was fun.
Erica: Yeah, he has a good smile.
Kenrya: But it felt out of left field, and I didn't go on the first date thinking, "Oh, this is going to be my great love." It just was kind of like by the end of my first date, I was like, "I'm going to fuck this man."
Erica: Well, alrighty.
Kenrya: And then by the end of the second date, it was like, "Damn, this might not work, but I'm going to still fuck this nigga."
Erica: Thank you, pussy, for keeping me involved.
Kenrya: Yeah, basically, because then I did, and then it became clear that shit was amazing. Not because of that, but just because I stayed around and didn't give time to a bad situation, but just explored it and listened to my body and listened to my mind and my heart and figured it out. I say that to say it feels like shit can come from anywhere.
Kenrya: You just got to listen to what your gut is telling you as you go.
Erica: Yeah. Also, I have this firm... One of the things in the book also are just timelines and defense mechanisms. Like, "I'm waiting for the shoe to drop, so I'm just going to keep a wall up ’til a shoe drops with this motherfucker." And I'm realizing that I don't... I mean, who doesn't... but I'm realizing I have a visceral reaction to rejection. Like, "shoot yourself in the foot" reaction to rejection.
Kenrya: Like, go off on a nigga if he says something that felt even little bit-
Erica: No. I have too much pride to be going off on niggas. You will never catch me going off on a nigga. But I will cut you. One of my friends was like, "Your cut-off game is strong. You're going to act like you don't know nobody." Yep, sure do, and I'm good at it. But I kind of also think, "Damn, did you chuck that nigga for no reason?" So yeah, I definitely... And that's also something that I'm paying attention to as I'm dating, because I recognize that... I texted a guy. I'm an early morning person. You texting me at 9:30 is the equivalent of me texting you at 5:00 in the morning, 5:30 in the morning. I'm up. Not everybody's up, but I'm up. What's going on? I texted this guy. He texted me at like 10:30 at night. I texted him when I woke up, which was like 5:00.
Kenrya: You don't understand. I don't text you that late unless I can hear you up downstairs.
Erica: Right. It was a, "My bad. I was asleep." So then we kind of started chatting. I was like, "Yo, can you talk." He was like, "Oh my god, it ain't even 9:00." And to me, that was like, "You ain't going to carry me and try to make me feel like I'm a needy bitch." I was like, "You know what, have a great day?" Block, block, block, block. And now that I'm thinking, I'm like, "Damn, maybe I was a little hard." But you ain't going to make me feel like something wrong with me for wanting to have a conversation early in the morning. And it's, again, if you're for me, you're going to know that Erica might want to have a conversation at 8:30 in the motherfucking morning.
Kenrya: Well, but more than that, even if you don't want to have a conversation at 9:00 in the morning, you'll be like, "Yeah, my eyes are barely open. Can I call you?" Like you said, don't try to fucking carry you.
Erica: Don't try to carry me, bitch.
Kenrya: Yeah, so I mean, I ain't going to tell you ever to unblock a nigga. You know my block game is strong.
Erica: I was channeling Kenrya when I did that. I was like, "Hmm, where else should I block this motherfucker?"
Kenrya: I was going to say, because I will block you any and every fucking where. It's like you never existed. Oh, I'm sorry to this man. I do not know this man. I'm sorry to that man. Wait, wasn't she saying that about Biden? About the President?
Erica: It was about the Vice President, about Cheney.
Kenrya: Oh, was it?
Kenrya: Oh, okay. Nevermind.
Erica: Nevermind. Continue on. Okay, also something... You kind of touched on this. This book is very binary. There are lots of gender roles in it. Do you think it's more just gender roles, gender roles? Or did that make the story? Did that move the story?
Erica: Wasn't that a good question? I felt like I was Kenrya asking that question.
Kenrya: Some of it seemed like... How do I say this without giving... The structure of their lineage is such that the women, theirs is matrilineal, so their power is passed down through these female witches. And the cat's is patrilineal, so they are passed down... they pass through all men.
Erica: Yeah, witches. Oh. Sorry.
Kenrya: So some of it was really kind of just based on the lore that was built in that their familiars are men, and so the language kind of lent itself to that. It would talk about sometimes feminine energy and masculine energy. I mean, I guess that's a thing maybe. I don't know. But everything I saw it, it stopped me up short. But my guess is that most people would probably... It wouldn't even register.
Erica: But we have to... We wouldn't be doing our job at The Turn On here without saying something about it.
Kenrya: Pointing that out. Yeah, yeah. But it didn't detract from the story. I think it was just kind of the universe that the writer built in.
Erica: So I always say that I am a womanist through and through, except when it comes to taking out the trash and killing bugs and rodents. I will turn into one of them bitches that faint on them chaise.
Kenrya: A fainting couch.
Erica: Oh, lord.
Kenrya: You're talking about a fainting couch?
Erica: Oh, lord. My binder's too tight. My corset's too tight. I must faint. I do not like... My son knows, I will put shit on the top of the trash, around the trash, on the floor, whatever. I ain't touching the motherfucking trash, because I'm a woman. If I'm here alone and there's no sign of anyone coming back within the next 24 hours, okay, I'll do my own trash. But yeah, I'm clearly like...
Kenrya: That's where your gender roles kick in.
Erica: I was going to say take me back to the 1800s, but then I would have been a slave, so no. Yeah, no, I lied about that. But yeah, what about you? Do you have some clear "I ain't fucking with that"?
Kenrya: I do, but it's not around... so I've been living alone, right, since I was... or at least not in a situation where there was consistently somebody there to do those things for me since I left to go to college. And I don't have sons. I don't have the luxury. So I have always done all the things myself. But my partner, when he's here, he literally, automatically, when he's leaving he goes and collects whatever garbage is here and takes it downstairs for me without me having to ask.
Erica: Because that's your role. That's your role.
Kenrya: And I appreciate it. I mean, I do it if he doesn't do it, but I very much appreciate that he does it for me. But whatever. The one thing that I have never done is cut grass, and it is because I am so fucking allergic to grass.
Kenrya: But also, I don't want to cut grass.
Erica: Exactly. Fuck an allergy. That's because you don't want to. And that's the stuff. There are certain things... I mean, I have a whole hypothetical list. Like in my next marriage, long-term relationship, we living together, if we living together, you washing my car. You are going to...
Kenrya: But you had that. Your ex-husband was really good about taking care of your vehicle, wasn't he? Oh, look at your face. I thought he was good at that.
Erica: He be good at pestering me to tell me to go take care of my vehicle.
Kenrya: Oh, nevermind. I'm giving him too much credit.
Erica: I mean, yeah, if I was like, "Yo, I need some tires. I need some tires. I need some tires." Then he be like, "Okay, I'm going to take it." And also, he made it so that I could go. So it wasn't like... No, I am going to be like, "On Sundays, you taking my car to go get cleaned." Whereas with my ex-husband, he was like, "My friend owns a shop. You can go by anytime." I ain't trying to go sit and get my car cleaned. So yeah, and I mean, that is so random, but that's my... I'm literally giving niggas a hack to Erica.
Kenrya: Well, but so here's the thing, right? And I actually don't think of this as necessarily being a gender thing. I feel like if you build a life with folks, if you figure out systems that work... So for example, we live in the same... we live in a two-family house. Y'all take the trash down to the street, whoever it is. Your son or your brother, right? And I bring the trash cans back up. We have a system that works for us. We created a system. And I think that in any partnership, you figure those things out. There are chores, like I hate washing dishes. It stems back to associations in my childhood. I do not like dishes. My partner comes over, and he does the dishes. He don't mind washing dishes. He understands that it freaks me the fuck out and was doing it even beforehand. But that is a system that we have created, and I appreciate the fuck out of him for taking care of it for me.
Kenrya: Neither of us, if we had to cut the grass... which thank God we don't... but if we did, neither of us is interested in that shit. We already decided that's some shit that we pay somebody else to do. He does not really like putting things together. Guess what? I fucking love putting things together. That is my job.
Erica: That's your jam, yeah.
Kenrya: I like it. I like to build a good bookcase. I like to put a dresser together. I like to put a chair together.
Erica: Do wardrobes.
Kenrya: Shit, yes. He be like, "Yeah, okay. This is for you." And I'm like, "All right." And it's fine.
Erica: I'll have the finest teas when you're finished.
Kenrya: But we have figured out who likes what.
Erica: Yeah, and that's the thing. I think about growing up in my Midwestern home, and my grandmother and grandfather were very traditional. And a part of me loves taking care of my boo. I love feeding people. I turn into an old Black lady when somebody comes to my house. "You hungry? I got some chicken. Let me fry you some chicken." I turn into... That is what I do.
Kenrya: That's so funny, because that has been such an evolution.
Kenrya: Because you used to, "Cook, what?"
Erica: One of my linesisters, she laughed. She was like, "I would come to your house. The only thing you'd ever make was French toast." I mean, my French toast is the shit. It's funny because my brother was saying that French toast, waffles, and pancakes are like Destiny's Child. One is your Kelly, one is your Beyonce, and one is your Michelle.
Kenrya: Oh, which one is your Bey?
Erica: My Bey are pancakes, because they're consistently good, everyone likes them. But my French toast is Kelly. Often underrated, but good den a motherfucker. I use that thick ass bread. Oh, I got to tell you about this new bakery I found. This thick ass bread, and then I use heavy whipping cream, and I use cinnamon, nutmeg, and sugar. And a few other secret ingredients. It is so fucking good. And that's all I will make. And so my Line sister be like, "We eat at Erica's house..." It'll be like three in the afternoon. I'll be like, "I got some French toast if you want some. I can whip you up some French toast." They're like, "Bitch, can I have some chicken?"
Kenrya: Yeah, exactly.
Erica: So what's your Bey?
Kenrya: I think it's French toast, but it's because it's my favorite.
Erica: Yeah, and then your Kelly are your waffles, right?
Kenrya: Yes, yep. Yeah, my partner was like, "They always taste exactly the same. How do you do that?" I'm like, "Nigga, practice."
Kenrya: Yeah, I've been making them a long time.
Erica: Yeah, my brother's Kelly is French toast. So here's the thing with pancakes. My grandfather used to make the best pancakes.
Kenrya: From scratch?
Erica: We remember being in the limo driving away from the cemetery at his funeral, and my cousin's like, "Damn, we just buried good pancakes."
Kenrya: Oh my God.
Erica: My grandfather's pancakes were fucking magical. I don't know what...
Kenrya: None of you all ever asked?
Erica: Don't nobody know what to ask! And then I remember there was a particular spoon in my granny's house that he used.
Kenrya: To measure them out the right way.
Erica: Ain't nobody know where that fucking spoon is. He probably put that shit in his back pocket and took it into the damn casket. Like, "Not without me!" Yeah, it was like, I will never, ever, ever...
Kenrya: Have a pancake like that.
Erica: Yeah, yep.
Kenrya: Wow. My daddy used to make them in a big cast iron skillet. But you can only fit three in the skillet, and they was always weird shaped because they had to fit in the skillet. So pancake making was the slowest activity ever in my house.
Erica: Okay, and let me also tell you something. Yeah, we used a cast iron skillet. That griddle shit? I thought rich people used griddles.
Kenrya: Until I bought one for like $35, and we use this shit every weekend.
Erica: So okay, here's another thing. Hot take. You know how people say that they like their pancakes with crisp edges?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: That's only because y'all ain't had a good pancake. My grandpa's pancakes never needed a crisp. I didn't know what the fuck a crisp edge was until I started making my own pancakes, and it required crisp edges to have somewhat a smidgen of the tastiness that my grandpa's pancakes had. I'm telling you. If it's just a good fucking pancake, you don't need no crisp edge. Granted, the crisp edge is good, because it gives you a little salty sweet.
Kenrya: The crisp edge is...
Erica: And the texture.
Kenrya: I think the crisp edge is because you got some butter in it, honestly. It's the butter that gives you the crisp edge. But the best pancakes I ever had was at a restaurant in New Orleans last year. The last trip I went on before the fucking world shut down. And they did not have a crisp edge, but they were fucking amazing. So amazing that we went back for breakfast twice in a six-day trip.
Erica: Okay, I need that place's... Now you got me on this pancake search. I think I am now going to begin the search for good pancakes.
Kenrya: I'm not telling you shit, because we got a while ’til you can go anywhere.
Erica: Bitch, I ain't going nowhere. I can't. Really, the only reason keeping me from traveling at this point is the fact that I got to go to the hospital once a month for shots, and they ask you, "Have you been anywhere between 21 days?" And I be thinking like, "Well, maybe if I got a shot this day, now I'm leaving the next day."
Kenrya: You can time it. Don't do it!
Erica: And they got this mega-rona out now!
Kenrya: Yeah, well thank goodness that they're saying it looks like the vaccine actually works for that one too.
Erica: Girl, and honey, I watched a woman put on a hazmat suit before she injected my body with medicine. Do you think I give a fuck about what's in that damn corona vaccine? That corona vaccine going to get in my body like, "Goddamn, this how you living?" The chemo going to be like, "Surprise, shorty!"
Erica: My son said something about... that he found on Tik Tok. He was like, "Have you ever heard dah dah dah?" I was like, "What are you talking about?" He's like, "It's all over Tik Tok." I was like, "Not my side of Tik Tok, bro."
Kenrya: What was it?
Erica: I can't remember. I'll ask him. But it was something. It was something all the kid's doing.
Kenrya: They have so much stuff. But also, they have so much old stuff. Like your child be up here singing like old Nsync songs. I'm like, "Bitch, why do you know all the words and the ad libs to this song that came out when I was high school?"
Erica: Yeah, Tik Tok is interesting. I love it. There was this Tik Tok, and it was like, "Show a picture of someone that you met that's changed your life and you couldn't live without." And then this chick cuts to the Tik Tok logo. And I was like, "It's me. It's me." Tik Tok got me through 2020.
Erica: Okay, so do you have anything else to add?
Kenrya: Oh, I don't know.
Erica: Okay, well, we are going to take a quick break, and then we are going to head on into What's Turning Us On.
Kenrya: I like it.
Kenrya: Hey y'all. Today's a great day to start your own podcast. Whether you're looking for a new marketing channel, have a message you want to share with the world, or just think it'd be fun to have your own show like us, podcasting is an easy, inexpensive, and fun way to expand your reach online. And Buzzsprout is hands-on, the easiest and best way to launch, promote, and track your podcast. Your show gets put online and listened in all the major podcast directories, like Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, everything, within minutes of finishing and uploading your recording. We use it here for The Turn On, and I can testify to the fact that it's pretty fucking dope.
Kenrya: Podcasting isn't hard when you have the right partners, and the team at Buzzsprout is passionate about helping you succeed. So join over 100,000 podcasters like us who are already using Buzzsprout to get their message to the world. Just click the link in our show notes, and you'll be able to get your own account set up. And if you sign up for a paid plan, you'll get a $20 Aamzon gift card, and you get to support our show. Let's create something great together. Sign up for Buzzsprout today.
Erica: Okay y'all, so this week we're going to talk about what's turning us on. This week we're going to talk about nipple suckers. They are interesting as well. If you have been a part of my life, you know that I have titty issues. And so right now, there is nothing, not even sensation in these nipples. But they're like little silicone... You squish the air out of them and then put them on, and it sucks... Yeah, just like that, through your nipples. But let me tell you what I learned as a woman with nipples. But also, what's kind of button-y and nipple-like down below?
Kenrya: It's a clit.
Erica: Bam. Slap some lube on that bitch, put it down there, and go at it.
Kenrya: Oh, nice.
Erica: Right, right, right?
Kenrya: Love it. So I am someone who has probably sometimes too much feeling in their nipples. Lord have mercy. But I have traditionally really liked clamps. But I can't always have it though. Some days my boobs just don't want the clamps. And so the suckers are a good way to get yourself some pressure and some suction. And not just in partner play but in solo play, because you got your hands busy elsewhere, but you also want some nipple stimulation. That is a good way to go, because you just squeeze all the air out, put them over your nipple, let them go, and then you've got some consistent pressure going on that can help to get you where you're trying to go. Yeah, so there's a link to that in the show notes for this episode for anybody who is interested in getting on that nipple suction train.
Erica: Yes, yes, y'all. Okay, and with that, that wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On.
Kenrya: We are Killa and E. Two hoes making it clap.
Erica: Two hoes making it clap. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Kenrya: I like it. Bye y'all.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review, and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Just post your review and email us a screenshot at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today, and you'll gain access to lots of goodies, including The Turn On book club and two-for-one raffle entries. And don't forget to send us your book recommendations and your sex and related questions. And follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and on Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at theturnonpodcast.com. Thanks so much for listening, and we will see you soon. Bye.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.