LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon SHOW NOTES In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk about finding the right dating app in the new year, strategies for scoring good matches and how to peace out gracefully. Resources: Dating Apps The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information. TRANSCRIPT Kenrya: Come here. Get off. [theme music] Erica: Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. We have a few mailbag questions that we are going to answer from you, our amazing listeners. So let's just jump right in. Kenrya: Let's get it. Erica: You know what, I will call this the online dating edition, because these all follow a theme. So first question, can you do a top five dating apps for various preferences, like women seeking men, women seeking women, looking for older partners, younger partners, kinks. Kenrya: So this is like our dating wheelhouse, right? Erica: Yeah. This has been our wheelhouse and I will say, Killa, you have been... Your intentionality in online dating has just been really good to see. That combined with just therapy and knowing myself more and being unafraid to ask for what I want, has made me so much a better online dater. Online dating isn't trash. It's just you got to know... You got to be willing to cut shit off. Kenrya: Yes. Once you realize the things that don't serve you and get really good at moving on and not feeling like you owe people anything, it gets a lot easier. It's a lot less energy. It doesn't take so much of your energy. Erica: So there are a few sites that we're going to just talk about. One of them, that I like, is called SeekingArrangements, also Seeking. I think the website is Seeking.com, but this is for people, that want a sugar baby. So if you're a sugar baby and you're looking for a sugar daddy, sugar mama, whatever, you put a profile on Seeking and you find people. It's like a regular dating app, it's just people want actual arrangements. Some people are very clear about the fact, that I am married and I want a side piece. Erica: My wife does know, my wife doesn't know. My husband knows, my husband doesn't know. So you just got to go in depth on the profiles, but I actually was on Seeking for a little bit and met people. I guess, they were good. It's just the situation didn't line up. It wasn't for me. The relationships weren't for me. Kenrya: It's a good tool for those, who are- Erica: It's a good tool. Also, if you are a college student or still have your .edu email address, you can get a premium account for free. So, that's also something to think about. And then, if you do a couple of Google searches, you can probably find a code or something. No, you can find how to do a good profile and that kind of thing, because let's be real, people pay for pussy and dick all the time. You might be paying with your time. You might be paying with dinner. Some people just want cash. So, call a spade, a spade and let's do it. So yeah, Seeking was good. It was a really good interface and you can find lots of people. I did find that there were a lot more white men on there than Black men, but I still found Black men. Kenrya: Word. Their website it is indeed Seeking.com and it says, "Upgrade your relationships, where beautiful and successful people find mutually beneficial relationships." That pretty much sums it up really well. Kenrya: So, my first rec is Coffee Meets Bagel. And that is where I found my partner, after quite some time on another one of the apps, which we're going to mention. And I liked it, because it lets you filter who you are looking for. So with a lot of apps, you really can only say the gender of the person that you're looking for and maybe age and then they go by your location. And that's really all that you can do. But with Coffee Meets Bagel, you can put in race and ethnicity. You can drill down a lot more than you can on other apps and so it felt less like sorting through a massive... It felt less like entering a hoarder house and more like sorting through a dumpster. Kenrya: So it was easier to find. And then, they recommend people to you every day. You only get a certain number of bagels. I never really quite understood the concept, but they would serve up people to you every day and be like, do you like this person? Yes or no, kind of a deal. And so, even if you weren't actively going through and looking for folks, they would find people that matched based on the criteria that you put in and put them before you. It felt like less work, but it felt like more detailed work. And for me, I was on there for a few months when I found my partner and it worked out well, obviously. So I like it. If you know what you're looking for it’s good for hyper-focusing on that. That worked really well for me. What about you, E? Erica: So I use Hinge. Same situation, but before I started using Hinge, I used Bumble. And Bumble was the first app, that I used when I got in the whole online dating thing. Kenrya: Me too. And I did your profile. Erica: Yes, Kills did my profile and this was when I decided, "Hey, I just want to have lots of sex." So Bumble was different. I like it because women run the show. So no conversation begins without the woman making the first move. Few things. And on the apps I'm just looking for men. I haven't like looked for looked... I wasn't looking for woman, but so I guess I don't know how it works on the lesbian side of things, on the same sex side of things. But anyway, so using Bumble definitely made me more sympathetic of when I get shitty pickup lines from guys, because cause it's like, you really have no idea what the fuck you're saying. Kenrya: You really have to figure them shits out. Erica: Let me play with your titties. So it definitely made me more aware of that, but it was also good to see, who could just keep a conversation going. Also, with Bumble, you can't really filter by preference, but I paid for the premium for three months or something. Kenrya: So you can see, who likes you, who swiped on you. Erica: Exactly. So you see who swiped on you. So for that, it automatically gave me mostly Black guys or white guys or Asian guys or whoever. Kenrya: It gave me all kinds of people. [crosstalk 00:07:40] But it's nice to be able to see who has already swiped on you. Erica: Exactly. So it's like, you're picking from a pile of people, that have already expressed interest. It was good. I haven't found a partner on it, but I definitely think it was good. And then, I also like that it would show you if people were just in town visiting, which was a clear, “I'm just trying to fuck.” So yeah, Bumble was a good one. Erica: So now we're going to go into the dating apps that we've heard about, got recommendations from other people but necessarily haven't tried ourselves. So we can't really vouch for them. I always laugh about OurTime, but look, it's an app. It's out there. It's for older people. And so if you're looking for someone, that's a little more seasoned in age... Even though, I do think we, there are older people on all the apps, but OurTime, I guess, it's the Jitterbug phone of online dating. It's geared towards older people. Kenrya: That's not nice. But you said it's simple right. It has full features. It's just exactly what you need and it's easy to use. Erica: Oh damn, I wasn't trying to be shady. Kenrya: It's just, when I hear Jitterbug, it makes me giggle. Maybe I'm a child. Erica: What you got, Killa? Kenrya: So, another one, that we heard of, but haven't used ourselves, but that our research tells us is lovely, is the app Her, which is for lesbians or for women and for queer folk. And as women all of our gorgeous iterations, that we come in. So I saw a few different ones when I was doing research and this was the only one that actually had people of color right up front and center. And not just a couple of white cisgender women listed on the site, which I just thought was hopefully a great sign. They've already got four million women in their database. So they're saying, "It's a little rinky dink." Something, that you coming in and won't actually have a good field of people to connect with. Kenrya: And so, it looks really interesting. It looks like they are backed by a group of folks who are, again, not just white. I can't stress enough how important that is, when you're doing these apps, when the only folks that are on there are people, who you may not necessarily feel aligned with. They have a blog, which is cool. All the stuff, with articles like all things oral and things that are very much targeted toward their... Confidence boosting workout tips for tops, bottoms and switches. This is interesting. Erica: Maybe they got some knee strengthening- Kenrya: The blog is actually really dope. How do you masturbate when you don't have privacy? Somebody should send us a question about that for our future mailbag. Erica: I like it. Kenrya: So, that's our pick for women and other queer folks who do not identify as a man, that maybe there is somebody there for you in that space, whether it's that you're looking for a friend or you're looking for a friend. Erica: A friend-friend. I talked to my gay people and gay men people. No, that sounds really weird. Kenrya: It's like my African Americans. Erica: My African Americans. And so, I talked to my gay expert and he said, that he liked Jack'd. Jack'd is a dating website for gay, bi, trans and queer people. I think, it's primarily men, because it's says a lot of “hes” on the website. And they pride themselves on being diverse. When I asked my gay... I need better language. I'm so sorry y’all. Kenrya: I understand that you're trying to not out the person, who you're talking about. Erica: I'm not trying to identify, who... Kenrya: I get it. They're very out. Erica: They're very open in their sexuality. Kenrya: But that don't mean they want to be on the podcast. Erica: Exactly. So, when I talked to him, he was like, "Jack'd is for Black people." So Jack'd is the more diverse community. I guess, you find your folks. It's a locations kind of thing. You also can do anonymous browsing. You can also see how often they respond to messages and what kind of people they're into. So I actually I'm like- Kenrya: That's a nice feature. Erica: Who else gives me, that kind of insight. So, that's what we have. If y'all have a suggestion of a particular website, that you'd like, please let us know, because I'm still out here in the streets. So let a player know. I'll definitely be your- Kenrya: Guinea pig. Erica: Your taste tester. Kenrya: That's better. Erica: That's much better. I'll be your taste tester. So refer a bitch. Kenrya: It's also a double entendre. Erica: Double entendre. Next question. What is different in meeting by app, in our current world? Speaking from someone who's not familiar with protocols. So I guess, they're just trying to ask, what's normal for, when you're stuck at home doing these Corona dates? What's normal? Kenrya: They set meetings. So, maybe, even just starting at that beginning of what that looks like. It's interesting. I think, that there used to be a stigma around it, but I don't know that there is any more, at least not in our age group, because we have so many friends, who met their partners, who are married with kids and everything else, who met them online. Shit BlackPlanet. Erica: No, not BlackPlanet. Black People Meet. Kenrya: I thought they met on BlackPlanet. Erica: No, they only met in '87. Kenrya: Whatever, stuff like that. You know I'm not good with the history. Anyway. Erica: I can't with you, but okay. Kenrya: Well, it's interesting, because I've had people say, "Oh, well, you're just talking to a stranger." But honestly, I feel like by the time I swiped on somebody on an app, I know more about them than if they were trying to approach me in a bar or on the street. I know roughly, where you live. And again, it's all the information, that you choose to give, but that's the case, whether talking to them in person or you're talking to them on an app, right? The information is only as good as the person is honest, but I've got a bunch of pictures. So I know what they look like in different lighting situations. I know what they value enough to put in their pictures. If it's a nigga posing with his car, I know to keep swiping. You can learn a lot from somebody from looking at their profile. They give you enough information on whether or not you want to get to know somebody. And I think that you get more of that there than you get with a nigga stopping you on the sidewalk. Erica: That you literally just meet in the mall. Yeah, meet in the mall. You can tell, I was hanging in Northwest Plaza as a teen. My beeper getting up. I agree. I think it's great, that you get to know so much more information about people, but I also think, that this gives you an opportunity to be more intentional and ask better questions and stuff. Because, first, if I meet you in a bar, I'm probably drunk. I don't really quite remember you. I might be like, he had a beer. And yes, I Google people. I have no problem and Google me. It's fine. So I don't think there's anything very different- Kenrya: Except, for that you have more information. Erica: You have more information. I feel like it's a more robust first meeting. I do try my best to not do too much digging. Does that make sense? Because I don't want to form an opinion on you, before I actually meet you. Kenrya: I usually just do a cursory search, because the world is so small I want to know, who do you know in person. Erica: Do we have similar Instagram friends, because then, if we do [crosstalk 00:16:43]. Kenrya: And I have found many a person, who we were connected via somebody else on Facebook or whatever or if they went to the same school, that we went to or something like that. And so that cursory search gives you a little bit of information, that you can sprinkle in as you start. Kenrya: I also think that, in any situation, but maybe it is a little bit easier when you meet somebody online, to get caught in a text cycle, right? Maybe, when you meet somebody in person, you're more likely to get on a phone, but I don't know, because I can't remember the last time a man was courageous enough to walk up on me and have something decent enough to say, that I actually would follow through. Usually, it's trash and we never get to that point, but I could see, that it may be more difficult to break out of the texting cycle, if you meet on an app. I know for me, as Erica said, I was very intentional. So I had a set ice breaker, that I would use because on apps like Bumble, the woman make the first move. So I had a set thing that I always started with. Kenrya: I don't remember what the hell it was now, to be quite honest, but that was my opening line. They would start the conversation and they will have 48 hours to get back. If I didn't hear from them by then, then you're obviously not interested in me or interested in any of this and it's cool, no love lost. I'd unmatch and we keep moving. If you do respond, but trying to get you to have a conversation is like pulling teeth and you didn't say, "Oh, I'm at work. I'll hit you back later on." Erica: Don't WYD me to death. Kenrya: If you do all of that. If every time I ask you a question, you give me a one-sentence or a one-word answer or some bullshit and then you don't ask me a question. Erica: All you have to say is, "Here's my answer, and you?" Kenrya: But you'd be surprised, how many people do not do that. They answer the question and then, they just go dark. And they're expecting you to guide every bit of the conversation and guess what, don't have time for that. Erica: Because you probably need guidance in the bed. Kenrya: Yes, that too. But also, to me, it shows a lack of overall interest or effort and I'm not about to be the only one putting in effort, now or later, right? And then, if we've been able to maintain a decent conversation and they haven't said anything that is offensive, that hits on any of my automatic no’s, which is hotepery, which is homophobia or transphobia, which is... where is all my other... I wouldn't have swiped on them, if they did a job that I found untenable, which is honestly usually just being a cop. Kenrya: And then, so I also had things, that were automatic swipes. So the car and your picture, saying that you're sapiosexual. No, thank you. Saying that you are an Alpha. No, thank you. Not an Alpha Phi Alpha, but an alpha male. No, thank you. And then, I expect us to be able to hop on the phone within, I don't know, 72 to 96 hours. Three to four days and have a decent conversation. I'm accounting for the fact, that people may have jobs or be traveling or whatever the hell, but once we get to that point, if we haven't been able to connect and have an actual conversation and it shows me that you're not that interested and that's fine. Again, no love lost. We keep it moving. Erica: I found that I make the jump quick to talking on the phone. Let me say this. When I have made the jump quicker talking on the phone, it's been organic and it's just it worked better. You start texting in the app and all of a sudden, you're texting back and forth and it's like, "You know what, fuck it. What's your phone number, so we can talk." And then, that's what happens with me. I'm a Gemini. I'm impatient. If you give me 96 hours, 92... What did you say? How many hours? Kenrya: I said three to four days. Erica: Three to four days. I ain't going to like you in four days. You got to keep my ass interested from the beginning. I like talking, I like texting and stuff, but I find, that it's easier- Kenrya: You know me, I hit a wall. Erica: We get it. And that's the thing, I find that I do better with people that are like, "Fuck that, call me. Let me talk to you. Let me hear your voice." That's what I got for that. Last question. And I'm going to be quiet on this, because I am an ain't shit, bitch. What are the best ways to end a relationship, in the texting norm? Kenrya: Well, first of all, if texting is the thing, that you're doing, then that's not a relationship. That's just somebody, who you're texting with. If you all haven't graduated to a phone call, then that's just a nigga that you texting with. And I say that, to help us keep things in perspective, because my mantra, when it comes to that, is that you don't owe anybody any fucking thing. So, that does not mean that you ghost people, but it does mean that you are clear and then, you move on. So what I would do, when this was my life, is, usually the moment would come, because somebody has said something ignorant on text. They had ticked one of my non-negotiables or we had gotten on the phone and they said something to me, like they were glad, that Bill Cosby didn't get caught or all of the things that were happening when I was still online dating. And I would get off the phone quickly. Kenrya: And the reason I would do that, is because I am not about to argue with you about whether or not we should continue this relationship. Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Kenrya: I would just get off the phone. I would send them a text. Again, it was a standard text. It said, "I don't think we're a good fit for each other, but I wish you really well. Take care." And then, I would block them. Now, why do I block them? Because the people who I would send that message to, very often, there was something that was there to let me know, that this was going to turn into some type of an argument. I can only think of two people in the entire, I don't know what, year and a half or year, that I was online dating, where we were able to continue, where I didn't have to block them, where they felt like a normal enough person and not problematic, where we could continue to talk. Kenrya: And actually three, where we can continue to just have conversations periodically, without it turning into a thing. In one particular case, this dude was a minister and he said something outlandish about sexual abuse. And I got off the phone. I sent him the message, but my phone is linked to my computer. So I can send text messages from both places and I think this was a Saturday night or something. So I blocked him on my phone. What I didn't know at the time was, that if you don't open your laptop, then the blocking does not transfer over. And it was Saturday. I didn't open my laptop again, until maybe Sunday night or Monday morning. And so I had blocked him, but when I opened my laptop, this nigga had been texting me for 24 hours about how I judged him too quickly, how I was being closed-minded about sexual abuse. Kenrya: And all of these things about how I needed to give him another chance. There were messages at three, four, five o'clock in the morning. This fool had gone on a whole tear, telling me why I fucked up by telling him that we were not a good fit. You heard what my message was, it was very nice. I didn't even go into details. Why? Because I don't owe you details. So, in my opinion, the best way to do it is to just say, that you are not a fit. You do not owe anyone details and then, you block them and you ain't got to deal with them. And if they leave you a voicemail message, the beautiful thing about that is that now, if you have somebody blocked, their messages drops down to the bottom and you never even know that it came in. It makes me happy. That is my advice for dealing with breaking up with cats, you don't know, online. Erica: I think it's beautiful. I think it's absolutely, absolutely beautiful. And so, I'm not even going to give my two cents, because I have your ass answering phone calls from niggas. What? Oh, my bad. Uh-huh (negative). I'm feeding my cows, I'll call you later. Kenrya: Why subject yourself to some shit that you don't want to and you don't have to? Erica: And again, you don't owe anyone anything. And not even on some disrespectful shit, but we have no investment with one another. So let's just call it a day. Kenrya: And you should say something, because I was ghosted once in the course of that online dating. Erica: So, thank you, Kenrya for that, because like I said, I'm trash. It'd be all bad, but anyway, thank you for joining us. This is Erica and Kenrya, your two favorite hoes. Making it clap. [theme music] Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something, that's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at [email protected] to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two for one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations, and sex and related questions and follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla.
LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon SHOW NOTES In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk about the virtues of our good friend dry humping and share their experiences past and present-ish. The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information. TRANSCRIPT Kenrya: Come here... Get off. [theme music] Erica: Welcome to this week’s episode of The Turn On. We are going to switch it up and give you all a quickie. I love quickies because that means I don't have to read or prepare shit. I love our stories, but sometimes a bitch be lazy than a mug. Kenrya: But also quickies are fun too. Erica: They are fun. Kenrya: Everything doesn't have to be long and drawn out. Erica: Yes they are. Look at you, doing the double entendre. Kenrya: Double entendre. Erica: Double entendre. Entendre! Entendre! Did you ever watch Jackie Washington? Kenrya: I did. Yes, I did it while organizing in my office. I just put it on a computer and sat down and watched it while I cleaned. It was awesome. Erica: Entendre! Entendre! I love it. And being that I'm from St. Louis, it gives me the feels because my mother definitely reminds me of Jenifer Lewis. Kenrya: Yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative). So, yeah. Erica: Okay. So today we're dedicating this episode to who? Our good homeboy. Our good homeboy who? Your good homeboy you forgot about once you started fucking. Our good friend, DH, dry humping. Kenrya: Yes. Erica: We've said this before. Once we started doing it, we gave up on dry humping and sometimes a good dry hump is like... I can't think of when I've done it as an adult, because- Kenrya: Oh, I have a story. Erica: Give me that dick! But yeah. Well tell me your dry humping story. Kenrya: No, let's go back to the beginning, the origins, of dry humping. Erica: That's us being teleported. We're like whisked away. Okay. I picture this Sicily- Kenrya: Right. Erica: ... St. Louis and Cleveland, 1990 something. Kenrya: ’90 something. Erica: Yeah. 1990 something. Yeah so you go first. Kenrya: I'll go first. So, I don't know if y'all used to play this game, but we had little game in Cleveland called Hide and Go Get It. Erica: Hide and Go Freak. That's what y'all called it, Hide and Go Freak? Okay. Kenrya: And so we use to play it, my sister and I had these friends that lived around the corner and they had older brothers. And so, and they were probably only a couple of years older than us. Erica: But in your mind, they were grown ass men. Kenrya: Which eww, but yeah. We used to go and play it. It was one particular house where we always fucking play and we would go down there and they would turn off all the lights and you had a certain amount of time to find a hiding spot. And then all the girls were hiding... It was like three different families that were all there. It was us, it was the people who lived there and then we had another friend who lived up the street and all of those houses had a bunch of kids. And so we would all play at this house. And so for me, I wasn't related to anybody there, but I know the challenge for a lot of them was to not get found by their cousin. Erica: Find their cousin. Kenrya: Exactly. But so, the name of the game was to try to get found by the nigga that wanted to find you. Erica: Oh no, oh no, I fell behind the couch. Oh no. Kenrya: Yes. So you had to hide, but not hide too well. And then it was pitch black, so you really didn't know what was going to happen. But most of what happened, was a lot of dry humping. Erica: A lot of dry... Kenrya: Lot of dry humping. Erica: Oh my goodness. So I was thinking of a more recent story, but okay. So bam, boom St. Louis folks. Okay. First let's talk about the problem with little kids dry humping. Kenrya: Yeah, it's problematic. But at least we weren't. I mean- Erica: I wasn't even talking about like the sexual aspect. Kenrya: Oh okay. Erica: I was talking about the- Kenrya: Weren't doing anything like that wasn't- Erica: Oh shit, I forgot on my finger. Okay, so anyways. Kenrya: We weren't doing any of that. It was literally, we were in an age when we were coming into our bodies and learning that it felt good when you rubbed up against them. But no one was doing anything that could either be classified as assault or sex. Erica: I was talking about is problematic because little kids don't clean themselves properly. Not that they don't clean themselves, but them showers be mad questionable. I was about to tell a story about my son, but I don't need to because... Anyway, nonetheless, they weren't cleaning the best and nine times out of ten, you playing hide and go get it in the summertime. Kenrya: Yeah. Erica: Everybody been outside all day smelling like outside and suck up some good AC and dry hump behind somebody grandmama rocking chair or next to the deep freezer. Kenrya: We had fun though. Erica: Okay, so for me, St. Louis folks, bam boom, okay. Like in most Midwestern cities, roller skating is a thing. Everybody goes roller skating. Kenrya: Saturdays and Sundays for us. Erica: In St. Louis, you go to the Palace. Well, you used to, you would go to the Palace on a Friday night and the Palace used to... So it was a skating rink, I think it used to be... Now you're going to have me down a Google rabbit hole. Erica: Anybody from St. Louis, if y'all listening, shout us out, let me know what y'all know about this. But the palace used to be in a toys... It was one of those big box toys stores. So not quite a Toys ‘R’ Us, but it was a big building. And it looked like a fucking castle. Kenrya: Like Children's Palace? Erica: Yeah. Is that a- Kenrya: It used to be Children's Palace. Children's Palace was a toy store. Erica: Hold on. I'm about to- Kenrya: Because we had them when we were kids and it was like a Panda with a red balloon or something, I'm seeing in my head. Erica: Children's Palace... See, Google tells me Children's Place, I need Children's- Kenrya: There was definitely a Children's Palace. Erica: Palace. Kenrya: It was a toy store. Erica: Child World, a toy store company which operated a chain of stores titled Children's Palace. They have a Children's Palace in... Yep! Yep! Kenrya: That's it? Erica: Yep! Yep! Yep! Yep! It went defunct in 1992. Kenrya: Yeah. Erica: And I'm looking at the logo... So if you Google it, it's Child World Inc. But it's Child World Children's Palace. So it used to be a big ass store and it looked... It was like this big ass box store and it had red and white, it looked like a fucking castle. Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative) Yep, I remember. Oh, I see it right here. Yep. Erica: So-They had Peter Panda. So they shut down that and they turned it into a skating rink. Kenrya: Oh shit. Erica: So it had a big ass skating rink, but it also had the dance room. Kenrya: That sound like a champagne room, bitch what? Nobody went skating. Erica: Nobody went skating. Nobody ever went skating. I will say, I got some of my best dry humping in, at the Palace and at a YMCA/church lock-in. Kenrya: Yeah, I feel like that's always the thing. Erica: You're going to learn about the Lord. Uh-huh (affirmative) yeah, uh-huh (affirmative). Kenrya: When the council going to sleep? Erica: When we going to bed? So yeah. As a kid, we get so hype on Friday nights to go to the Palace. And now that I'm a parent, I can't stop thinking about what my mom and aunts and family would think when they were dropping our young... Because we were the age of my son now. I don't think it was sixth grade, but it was definitely seventh and eighth grade. Kenrya: Middle school. Erica: And we would go on Friday nights and you get dropped off and you want your cousin or your auntie with the best car to drop you off. And we would go and baby, it was... We were just little dirty kids and this was when Menace II Society came out and so would dry hump to "Top of the World." Kenrya: Top of the world…. [singing] Erica: Hey boom, boom. Yeah. So we would like, you and I should get together real, real soon. I want to take you somewhere. And if you don't mind the thought of you and I alone. I think you'd enjoy, sit back, relax, let down your hair. [singing] Kenrya: This bitch remembers all the words. Erica: I want to take you to the top. Sorry. Okay. You got it. Once you get in the- Kenrya: Get back into the moment. Yeah. Erica: You got to stay. Anyway, so yeah. I definitely just can't fuck with, I mean, not can't. I definitely did fuck with lots of dry humping, thankfully to lock-ins and roller-skating rinks. And on one hand, as a parent now, if my son was like, "Hey, let's go drop me off at a roller-skating rink lock-in." I'd be like, "Nah, them little dirty kids over there, dry humping." But then again, as a parent, you're just kind of like... Kenrya: No, no, I'm sorry. The answer is still no. They would have to get a little older for me to be okay with that. Erica: I think there is a, there has to be a level of... So all I have to say, I don't want to say this and get my kid taken from me, but I do think that there is learning within play... Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Erica: You know? And so I don't want to... Kenrya: Take away the exploratory aspect of... Erica: I want him to go through the exploratory aspect of sex and sexuality, but I don't need him fucking at 12. Does that make sense? Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Erica: And I'm afraid that in these day and times it gets to fucking at 12. Kenrya: Right. Where for us it took a little longer, at least a little bit, just sometimes. Erica: Just a smidge more but it took a little bit. And looking back, I probably should have waited, but anyway, so that was one of my dry humping situations at the roller-skating rink and lock-ins, and then speed up just a few years more by this time I was in high school wasn't yet having sex, but I remember I had this little boyfriend? Kenrya: I'm trying to. Erica: I was in high school, I had this little boyfriend. We weren't yet having sex, but I remember we would always go over to... You know how there is a house, where their mama just don't give a fuck. Kenrya: Don't be there. Erica: Yep, don't be there and don't... My mama wasn't at home, but she was like, "You ain't going to have people in and out of my house." The neighbors would know, so we couldn't just do that shit. This mama didn't give a fuck. So I remember me and my cousin, I would go stay at my cousin's house. She went to the same high school, but she lived in these apartment complexes near the fun apartment complex where everybody lived. So we went over there and I had a little boyfriend and we all sat around watching Higher Learning on VHS. And we went in the bathroom and we was like dry humping, and I was getting fingered, all that stuff. So it's fucked up because every time I hear that song, "Ask of You." Kenrya: Yeah, "Ask of you" uh-huh (affirmative). Erica: I think about dry humping in a bathroom in Victorian Village. Kenrya: Wow. All right. Erica: So specific. Kenrya: It's a beautiful song. Erica: I know. And I'm some little funky kid, get my rocks off, but, you know, dry humping. You and a homie. It worked, there were no pregnancy risks. Kenrya: I was about to say, we ain't got to worry about coming up pregnant or no shit. Erica: Yeah. It satisfied my needs. Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, I remember my first, for real, intentional- Erica: Let me put on my Lovespell. Kenrya: Bitch, that was my scent. That good old purple Lovespell. My first serious boyfriend, he lived... So in Cleveland everything is across town. So he lived across, about 30 minutes away from me. He was my cousin's friend and she hooked us up and we were together for, I don't know, maybe a year or two, but we didn't see each other until several months in because... Erica: Yeah. Kenrya: But I did come to find out later that my cousin had showed him a picture of me, but I had never seen this nigga before I met him in person months in, but anyway. Erica: And also remember... Because I had a boyfriend like that too. Kenrya: Did you? Erica: In the sixth grade. We dated, air quotes, for years and we saw each other like twice. Kenrya: Yep. Erica: But we were phone boning nonstop. Kenrya: We would talk on the phone... Constant fucking'ly. Erica: But you can, let's Zoom, Zap, Zell- Kenrya: Because we have all of the technology, but we didn't have none of that shit back then. We had a phone with a cord. Erica: Yeah. He would call... If I wasn't at home, he called me at my granny's house. It was like that. Also me and him are really good friends to this day. Kenrya: Aww that's cute. Erica: He sends me Facebook DM's to tell me he's praying for me. He's got a whole bunch of little girls. He's just the sweetest guy. Kenrya: See, last I heard of this dude I'm going to tell this story about, he shot somebody in a parking lot, but he was protecting his sister so... That's all I know of the story. My sister told me bits and pieces, it was my Cleveland connect. Erica: Because your sister and my sister are the same. My sister will call me like, "Girl, you remember so-and-so you was dating him. ’Cause I remember he drove X, Y, and Z." And I'm like, girl don't be- Kenrya: Half of the time I don't even be knowing who the fuck she be talking about. Erica: I do only because my sister will bring up every receipt, every picture, "Remember you said X, Y, and Z, but y'all really went to tech-" Bitch- Kenrya: Yes girl. Erica: Shut up. Okay. Kenrya: But so me and this dude on our, I think maybe it was our second meeting, I came over when his mama and all his siblings were gone, which was no small feat because it was five of them. And we just dry humped on the couch for like an hour. Erica: I'd rather dry hump for an hour than fuck for an hour. Kenrya: Yeah. No music- Erica: Damn y'all... Kenrya: Because we had to be able to hear if somebody came home. So we were just- Erica: I'm sorry. Kenrya: Only couch, breath sounds, clothes rustling sounds for a solid hour and it was the highlight of my young sexual life. Erica: I love it. Kenrya: Thank you, dry humping. Erica: Thank you, our good friend dry humping. Okay. Well that wraps up this week's- Kenrya: Mm-mm (negative). Erica: Oh. Kenrya: So- Erica: Shit we still got more. Wait, we do. Kenrya: Yeah. Erica: Okay, I'm sorry. Kenrya: It's okay. So fast forward to being an adult and I have seen our good friend, dry humping, abused, I shall say. So- Erica: Wait, what? Kenrya: There's this nigga, who- Erica: Can you write on a sheet of paper and hold it up so I can see what you're talking about? Kenrya: Who it is? Erica: Yeah. Kenrya: Yes. Erica: Tell me, and then I'll cut it out. Kenrya: So there's nigga that I'm not even really messing with, that's a whole long story, but we'll just say that's back when I was attracted to talent. When that was a thing. And we ended up, I don't know. I think I had been out. So, there's those times, especially when you in your twenties, when you out with the girls and then you drunk and then you texting, so you can figure out where you going to be that's not at home. Erica: In your twenties? You mean also thirties and forties. Kenrya: I was married well into my thirties, but yes. Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative) Kenrya: And, so one of those nights I ended up at this dude's house and we had just been flirting and stuff. We had never really done anything, just some intimate conversations and so- Erica: By intimate conversations, do you mean sexting or phone sex or was it just like, "I'm going to show you the depths of my soul." Kenrya: It was that because he is a poet. Erica: Oh okay, because me, when I say intimate conversation, it's like, we ain't fuck yet but you might've seen my pussy texted it to you. Kenrya: Yeah. No, you know that ain't me. And this was back before shit... I don't even think picture phones were like a common thing. Erica: You might've had your Nextel. Kenrya: I think I did have- Erica: Y'all Kenrya had a Nextel for like 20 years. Kenrya: Okay. I didn't have the bar Nextel. I had to joint that you slid the screen up on, I think by that time, but you couldn't take pictures with that, they was grainy as fuck. Erica: Yeah, uh-huh (affirmative). Kenrya: It's like- Erica: Whatever, that is a human figure. Kenrya: And so I get there and there's candles leading from the door to the, whatever the fuck. It was pretty. But so then- Erica: Wait, he did all that shit to dry hump? Kenrya: Yes, bitch. So we starting and it's foreplay, but it's pretty dry humpy. And I'm like, "Okay, this is cool." Now mind you, I was probably maybe 26, I think was about 26. And he was, I don't know, probably in his early thirties, so okay. So there's dry humping and then there's... So there's this movie where they talk about fake chow. Do you ever- Erica: Fake chow? Kenrya: So fake chow is that thing where you pretend to eat somebody out. Erica: I've never heard of fake chow. Kenrya: It was like a whole bunch of fingers and kissing, but there was no actual eating. I was like, "What is this nigga doing?" Erica: Wait, but does his face get in your pussy, does his face get wet with your pussy? Kenrya: [crosstalk 00:19:38] I don't think so. Again, it's dark except for candles. This is an interesting story. Erica: Wait, wait, wait. Kenrya: When I get to the punchline, you're going to be like, "Oh..." Erica: So fake chow... Kenrya: Fake chow, I realized later when I watched this, some fucking movie, and they were like, " So you gave her a fake chow?" And I was like, "Oh, that's what he did." Erica: Oh my God. Like, I'd like to... Look, I need to see the tongue hit the clit. Kenrya: It was so dark and there were just candles. Erica: Oh my God, I'm sorry, keep going. Kenrya: Literally, he had the door cracked when I got there and then a line of candles to the bedroom. Erica: Wait, so okay. Also let's rewind. Kenrya: Yes. Erica: You was out with your girls, drunk? Kenrya: Yes. Yes. Erica: Hey, I'm coming through. Kenrya: Yep, in a black car, get dropped off, have never been to this place before, find my way- Erica: And in this time you got this drunk call to his house, he has set up candles and an ambiance. Kenrya: Yes. Erica: Continue. Kenrya: Because poets. Erica: Yeah, continue. Kenrya: Yes. So, there's what I now realize is fake chow and there's lots of dry humping and then there's oh oh oh oh oh oh and I'm like, "The fuck is that?" He's like, "I came." So in his, whatever the fuck he had on, while we were dry humping. So... Erica: I'm sorry y'all, I'm so loud. Kenrya: So I'm like, "Okay..." We finish up and clean up and I leave and I go home. So fast forward to- Erica: So, what's it like, "Oh, I usually don't do this." Kenrya: No. Erica: Or it was just a, "We're done, thank you." Kenrya: It was like a, "I came." And I was so, confused. Erica: Because I get it. The thing is sometimes you might not have it in you. So if the fake chow was real chow, then maybe I'd be like- Kenrya: It was not real chow, I did not come. Erica: Okay. All right. Keep going. So you get home... Kenrya: So yeah I get home, whatever. Fast forward, I don't know, maybe a week, we're talking and I'm still young and dumb and kind of made me want to do it again, but actually have sex because reality is, we didn't really have sex, right? Like there was no actual oral. There was definitely no penetration. And he's like, "Well, you know..." What? Erica: Continue the story and I'll ask later. Kenrya: Okay. He reveals... Erica: What? Kenrya: That he has a girlfriend. Erica: So that was his like, "I didn't actually cheat. I just..." Kenrya: "I didn't fuck her." Yeah. This was... I realize in hindsight, when he told me, that the fake chow, the dry humping until he came was his way of being able to get off without having to- Erica: Nigga you should've just masturbated. Kenrya: ... without having to actually say that he had sex with somebody else. Erica: If I were- Kenrya: Abusing our good friend, dry humping, Erica: If I was dry humping, I would've smacked that nigga in the face. Because it's like, you used me for nothing. Kenrya: Yeah. Like to no fucking end. And obviously once he told me that it was over. So, that was the end of that. Erica: Also, if I was his girlfriend, I would be like, you went through all of this to not cheat, to like have a little loophole of not cheating, like no don't even cause even more than like the infidelity of like our relationship. It is like, you worked so hard to exploit this one loophole. You're fucking disgusting. Kenrya: Yeah. Erica: Okay. So I should ask this question first, because now it's like the punchline, just, eh. Kenrya: Yeah, told you. Erica: So, if you didn't know about the girlfriend and you said young and dumb, how the situation went down, candles, dry humping, fake chow, tofu chow we'll call it. Tofu, puss is fake puss. So dry humping, candles, tofu pussy, would you have gone back? Kenrya: Yep, because I was young and dumb. Erica: Well, no. If the now Kenrya was in that situation, would you go back if he had, had a conversation about it? Kenrya: About what? About coming in his pants? Erica: Yeah. Like, "Aw man. I was really excited." Kenrya: Oh sure, things happen. Erica: Yeah. Kenrya: He will only get one of those and- Erica: The fact that he didn't say shit, makes it like- Kenrya: Well, but then also, all right. That's cool. Now you need to make me come. It's ain't over now. We not pulling up our- Erica: Ain't nobody said you can go yet. Kenrya: Right. Erica: You got work to do. Kenrya: Yeah. Erica: Oh my gosh. Okay, well dry humping, our good friend DH. Kenrya: Yeah. Erica: Darrell. Kenrya: No. Erica: Huge abode. Kenrya: Nope. Erica: I'm trying to come up with... No. Our good friend, dry humping, we are sorry that you were abused in that situation. Kenrya: We are really, truly. Erica: That person was a bitch ass motherfucker to pull you out, you in your bed asleep, enjoying a quiet night and pull you out so that he could rub his dick against his boxers, so that he could technically tell his girlfriend that he didn't cheat on her. Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Erica: Bitch asses. Okay. The theme of that story is niggas going to nig. Kenrya: Exactly. Erica: All right. Well that wraps up this week's quickie. Kenrya: Thanks for joining us. Erica: Thank you. I'm so upset. It's fucking abusing my home boy. He don't even get enough play as adults and then when adults do pull them out, they just play him like that. Kenrya: On some bullshit. Erica: Fuck that. Okay. This is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes, making it clap. Dink. Kenrya: Bitch. Whatever. [theme music] Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and Get Off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app. Then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something. That's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at [email protected] to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two-for-one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations and sex end related questions. And follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla. |
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be. Archives
September 2022
Categories
All
|