LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube

CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON
Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon

SHOW NOTES
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to "Theresa" about shifting attractions, being empowered through porn, sexual freedom as a turn on and putting fingers where they've never gone before.

RESOURCES:

• Recommended Products:
  • Anal Douche
  • Uberlube

The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.

TRANSCRIPT:
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.

[theme music]

Kenrya: Today, we're talking to Theresa, a 42-year-old divorced executive living in the Northeast, whose pronouns are she/her. Hey, Theresa!

Theresa: Hey.

Kenrya: Thanks for coming on today.

Theresa: So happy to be here with you all.

Kenrya: We're happy to have you here and now we're finna get all in your business.

Theresa: All right, let's go get in.

Erica: Let's jump in. You're like, "Damn." When do you remember first masturbating?

Theresa: I would have been probably around six or seven-ish. Six or seven-ish. Probably around seven.

Erica: Okay, so what's your preferred technique? What was young Theresa's preferred technique? Sorry.

Theresa: There was a bear. Oh, there was a bear. Oh, when I think back, oh.

Erica: That bear got the business.

Theresa: He got the whole business. He was a big bear, if you think about the fact how an average seven-year-old would be at that height, and it was like one of those almost big ... Big bear.

Erica: I had a Minnie Mouse like that.

Theresa: Yeah, just big. It was just big enough to be my real friend, and it was thick. It was thick and it was white, and I could just hop on top of that bad boy and just go to town. Yeah. I don't know, who knows how people figure those things out, but once I did, it was like, "Me and this bear need some alone time."

Kenrya: I feel like a lot of time it's like accidental. We brush up against something and get a good feeling and be like, "Oh."

Theresa: Yeah, because you have the bear in a bed, you cuddle with the bear, and the next thing you know, you had a couple drinks and one thing leads to another.

Erica: That Tang got real crazy one night.

Theresa: Tang got to popping, and me and the bear were best friends. Yes. Yes. That's what I remember.

Kenrya: Does your bear have a name?

Theresa: Now here's the dumb thing. My mom would remember. We ain't going to ask her. We're not going to. We're not going to ask her.

Kenrya: Leave her out of this.

Theresa: It might have been Oscar, but it might not have been, and I would have to ask her to confirm, and I couldn't fix my face well enough to ask her the right way. We're just going to call it The Bear, yes.

Kenrya: Okay, cool. We're going to jump to another first. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Theresa: Kisses were in kindergarten. Kisses would have been early years, like five, six. Maybe that's who Oscar was. Maybe he was in my kindergarten class. That's who it was. Yeah. Back in the day, and I don't know how old folks are, if you remember back in the day, which would have been the early '80s, light-skinned dudes was in. He was a little light-skinned dude in class. He was my little buddy. He had curly hair, and I thought he was cute. Kindergarten, that was my first little friend, first kiss.

Erica: Light-skinned niggas in the '80s got-

Theresa: Yeah, they got-

Erica: ... all the play.

Theresa: ... all the play. All the play. My mom even told me when I was younger, she was like, "You're going to grow out of that. Shoot. You going to grow out of that."

Kenrya: "You're going to experience more of the world."

Theresa: Yeah, my father's a dark man, and she's definitely a fan of the chocolate. She was like, "You'll grow out of it," and she was right. Of course, I appreciate the entire rainbow at this point. Yes, kindergarten, first kiss, Oscar, light-skinned bro.

Erica: You was watching “The Last Dragon” and shit like that.

Theresa: Come on now. The Last goddamn Dragon, Jesus Christ, everybody wanted Taimak.

Erica: Taimak.

Kenrya: Taimak.

Theresa: Taimak.

Erica: He wasn't even really light-skinned, though.

Theresa: He wasn't.

Erica: He had that wavy-

Theresa: A little tan situation happening. Oscar was my little Taimak.

Erica: The question is, how old were you when you had a sense of your gender identity?

Theresa: Also very early. Very early, because what had happened was, and this is why we changed names, it's because it's my father's fault, God bless him. My parents will say that I came out loving pink and stuff and I was a girly girl. I don't really remember feeling that was a girl thing or something. I just remember I thought stuff was cute. I thought the Pink Ladies ... I grew up with “Grease 2” for some reason. “Grease” 1 was not in my household. “Grease 2” was the thing. The Pink Ladies had their little jackets and stuff, and I just remember really loving pink everything.

Theresa: The neighborhoods that my parents were able to find when I was young, first in the South and then in the Northeast, both times had girls that were my age and then boys that were my brother's age. I always had a good gaggle of girlfriends, but here's the thing. I found porn very early. My father is an immigrant, God bless him, and maybe not as keen on how to hide things.

Erica: [inaudible 00:05:45].

Theresa: He really hadn't put too much thought into where to put things. I remember finding not just magazines, but hardcover magazines, thicker, well produced.

Erica: He was like the good shit.

Theresa: I remember seeing these women who were ... They just looked like superheroes. They looked like, "Look at my shit. I'm about to fly into the sky with my legs wide open. I am the champion, and you will bow to me." I was like, "These women, this is some boss shit." I just thought that they were everything, and there were always men that were like, "Ah," and men were worshiping them. That's the way I saw it. I don't know, that's the way I saw it. Every time I saw something that was pornographic, I was like, "These women are clearly in control."

Erica: Bad bitches.

Theresa: Yeah, which is interesting given the dialog on porn now and how it's abusive to women and stuff. I'm like, "That's never been my experience with it." As soon as I saw it, I was like, "These chicks look they having a good time. They look hella satisfied with life." I remember identifying with that and being like, "Okay, cool. We got this."

Erica: "I found my tribe."

Theresa: Yeah.

Erica: In these fancy ass magazines.

Theresa: Bust it open. Bet.

Erica: Tribe bust it open. I am a part of that tribe too.

Theresa: The bust it open tribe, early on.

Erica: Tribe bust it open. My bad, I was about to jump over you, Kenrya.

Kenrya: How old were you when you first started experimenting with other people?

Theresa: Eight. That first one, I'm just going to put it out there, listen, I know I'm not alone, the first little grind situation was a cousin. He was a cousin that might've been one year older.

Erica: Boy cousin? Girl cousin?

Theresa: Boy cousin. He was here in the country for a bit, didn't speak the greatest English at the time.

Erica: He was like what are y’all doing in the States.

Theresa: We ain't got really much to talk about. We were like-

Erica: Show and tell.

Theresa: We were the same age-ish, and yep, made use of the time. Made use of the time. I remember even before that, before we moved back North, I would play house. There would be that thing. The way I remember it, I was always hype about being rubbed up on. There was that, so house was always cool, because you'd get a little alone time under the covers and stuff. No, okay, I'm going back even further. There was a babysitter. There was a babysitter. Oh Jesus, it was all sorts of wrong, but there was also a female babysitter who was probably not in her right mind and used to ... I had an older brother. I think he used to get to touch on her. I think every once in a while she would be ... That's bad. Also playing house.

Erica: It's the truth.

Theresa: Little, which I thought was awesome. This is the thing. None of it struck me badly, then or now. I don't have traumatic memories about it. All of it just felt great. I feel like I always felt safe. I never felt like I wasn't safe or that I was confused about any of it. It always felt like I was in some way complicit, even though I'm sure legally things were wrong. Then it was playing house. Then it was my cousin when we moved back up here. I remember we would play little animals. We would be little lions, and then somebody would be sniffing somebody else's butt. Then the next thing you know, somebody would be grinding, humping somebody's butt. That was cool. That was the first. That was the start, was early.

Erica: I think it's interesting that you noted that you've always been okay with it and felt safe. Do you feel like that contributes to why you're so sex-positive today?

Theresa: Yes. It not only contributes to why I'm so sex-positive. It's why I feel passionate about helping other people, because I've recognized that if you can go through these things and come out okay, it means that it's possible to be okay. For people who aren't okay, it's helpful to see that there is a possibility of being okay. If you just think this happens to everyone and everyone is destroyed for life, then that's just your only option, but if you see that you can actually be okay after certain things, then hopefully that can help usher people. Even at my worst times, I've always felt very positive about the healing nature of sex and feminine power in sex. I've never felt not empowered. I've always felt good, definitely.

Kenrya: Can you tell us about your first time having actual partnered sex? How old were you? What was that like?

Theresa: Sure. My first oral, oral was first, a little boy went down on me. I was 10 when that happened. He had an older brother.

Erica: It took me niggas in ...

Kenrya: Man, I think I was 18 the first time I did oral, and it was a whole conversation, because we were so stigmatized by that.

Theresa: Oh now.

Erica: I feel like guys expect it, but it wasn't ... Good job.

Theresa: The first time I went down on a guy, I don't know how old I was. I must've been in college. I was probably in college. The first time a guy went down on me, we were both 10. He had a very much older brother who was telling him, "This is what you should do." I remember what panties I was wearing. I remember where I was. I was sitting on the steps in his house. It was great. Fast forward, the first time I tried to have intercourse, I was 13. The little boy I was with was too big. God bless him. He was a year ahead of me in school. I'd known him for a while. He was I think was the community first-time guy. He was

Kenrya: Breaking everybody in.

Erica: He's a mercenary.

Theresa: He had figured out how to get things going and was just going to go around to all my girlfriends and make sure that if we needed something, that we were looked after. He really tried. I was like, "I don't think this is going to work. Just looking at it, this looks like something that's not really smart and possible."

Erica: Y'all got the virgin mercenary

Theresa: God bless him.

Erica: ... take care of this job.

Theresa: Helped so many of us out. We all appreciate him. Then my first time actually ended up being a year later. I was 14. I had a boyfriend. I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. I was a cheerleader and he was a football player. It was all very cute. I remember it stinging a little bit. I remember feeling like, "Yeah. Bear down. This is going to feel good one day. This is great." I was just so happy to be with him. He was so patient and so concerned about whether or not I'm okay. I was like, "Yeah yeah, let's keep going. Let's push through. Don't give up. You can do it."

Erica: "You can do it."

Theresa: "You can do it." I was determined to not walk out of that room having not had sex. It worked out well. You know how we are at that age. Ain't nobody supposed to be in your house. I had to skip out of his house. It was in walking distance from my house. I skipped home, giggly-gooed.

Erica: When did you have your first orgasm with a partner?

Theresa: It must've been him, but I haven't locked that one away. I don't know. They just started happening. I honestly cannot remember. I can't remember. I can't remember. Good question.

Kenrya: What three words would you use to describe sex in your teens?

Theresa: In my teens? Sex in my teens. Sex in my teens, it was aight, if we're going to use that one word.

Erica: It was a'ight. That's three.

Theresa: A'ight. It was protected. It was confident. At the time, there was a behavior that I never really ... I was on the outside of things. I wasn't in-crowd growing up. I was already a weirdo outcast, child of an immigrant who couldn't jump double dutch or speak right. I talked like a white girl. There were a lot of things I think that were common thought that I just couldn't subscribe to, and one of them was, "Oh, so-and-so's been sleeping with all these people, they're a ho," or that sort of stigmatization. I didn't have that. I just felt like, I don't know, "If I want something, I don't see a problem with getting it." It was free in that way. It was confident. The sex comparatively I'm sure was just it was all right.

Kenrya: Then what three words would you use to describe sex in your 20s? Your face!

Theresa: Interestingly enough, I was married in my 20s. I was married. Sex was, early 20s, it was great, frequent, and then confusing. It was a transition. Things were great and they were frequent. Then during my marriage it really got confusing. That would be my first experience with if I were to call anything sexual trauma, that would be it, having to deal with my husband at the time. He not only was extra big, I had never experienced emotions complicating your libido. I couldn't figure it out. Of course we're all young at that point and he couldn't figure it out. "We used to do it all the time before we were married. How come we're not doing it now?" I'm like, "I don't know. It used to work and now it doesn't." It's just so weird in retrospect thinking back that that wouldn't have occurred to me, but of course when you talk to 20-somethings now, you're like, "You don't know shit about shit. Damn, you stupid!"

Erica: [inaudible 00:17:37].

Theresa: Because it just really didn't occur to me that my fear of this man and confusion about our relationship and disappointment about our relationship would have turned off my vagina. What? You like sex, you like sex. You should be able to at least like the sex part. My body was like, "No, bitch. No. We don't like him. You don't like him. I don't like him either." I'm like, "Oh, okay." It wasn't until long after I was out ... Actually, no, forget long after I was out. The day after I left, she woke up like, "We out, bitch! We out! Who's he, him? Them two, who are they?" I was like, "Oh, word. You're here? I didn't know. I thought you were dead. I thought I'd reached my peak and that it was time for retirement." She was like, "No, I just couldn't stand that nigga."

Kenrya: The body always knows.

Theresa: The body knows. The body knows. It's just again, the weirdest part about it was not realizing it in the moment that that's what it was. It does make me think about women now who are like, "I don't know what's going on." I'm like, "Damn." I remember being there and not realizing. The 20s were very complicated. It started out great and then it fell off. Then right before I turned 30 it picked up again.

Kenrya: Now let's move on to your 30s. How would you describe it?

Theresa: The 30s were a turn up. The truth of the matter is, yeah, the 30s were great. 30s are when I started having multiple orgasms. Multiples on multiples. I thought that that was a very nice gift. After my 20s I was like, "Okay."

Kenrya: “I deserve.”

Theresa: Thank you. I was like, "This is very kind of you, because honestly the 20s were a wreck. I spent my 30s, most of them, split between two long-term monogamous relationships. There was never a time I was in a relationship where I felt even an urge to be with someone else, which is interesting, because now I'm a lot more open. At the time it just wouldn't have occurred to me to think about multiple people or whatever. I was very comfortably in these relationships. The first one was with a younger man. He had a whole bunch of energy. I thought that was great. Everything was great great great. Sex was great great great. It was great. Then the second one was with another gentleman who was also great great. He was uncut. That was interesting interesting. I learned some things. You learn some things. You're like, "Oh, okay."

Erica: "Oh, a turtleneck."

Theresa: Yeah, "What is this? What's going on here?" The first time I saw it, I really was like, "What?" Because I don't think I'd even thought about uncircumcised penis. I got to know that. The sex was great. 30s was easy. There wasn't a lot of guessing going on. I knew who I was going to. It was good every time. 30s were fine.

Erica: Lit.

Theresa: 30s were lit. 30s were lit.

Kenrya: What about your 40s?

Theresa: Oh my God, you know what's so funny? I'm thinking about the 30s like they were forever ago. I'm like, "I'm not even that old." I'm not even that old. Really I just covered the first half of the 30s. No, it's all been good. There was a couple of years where the sex was just ... Me and my life went sideways. The 30s were great. The 30s were when I really, like I said, the multiples came. 40s, still going. Still going strong. Sex has been great. I'll tell you this. Jeez. In the last seven years really, my sexuality has shifted, because prior to maybe 37, I had really only been with men. That's a strong really. I said that a little too hard. I'd been with a couple girls early on, but they don't count. They don't really count, because it was all like, "Wait, what's happening here?" I never really went after it. It wasn't until my late 30s that I started enthusiastically having sex with women too. I think it was always in some threesome situation. It was always like, "Oh, she cool that it's going down." Then I got to a point where I'm like, "How do I find you without this dude?"

Kenrya: Forget about the middleman.

Theresa: Just forget, yeah. "How do we cut out the middleman? Sis, how can I see you?" That got to be cool. That got to be really cool. I thought it was an interesting shift in my life. I didn't know what to do with, like, "Do I want to be in a relationship with a woman or is it just sexual?" My body's been doing great into my 40s so far. I'm horny all the time.

Kenrya: Hey.

Erica: Hey.

Theresa: All the time. All the time.

Erica: We like it. We like it.

Theresa: Turn up.

Erica: Tell us about a sexual experience that you remember fondly.

Theresa: Last week. No. All right. Honestly, okay, again, this, we got to ... I just recently, I've had so many great, great, great, great, great, great experiences. Threesomes have been great. Just recently was the first time a man allowed me to finger his asshole.

Kenrya: Aye.

Theresa: Jesus holy hell fire. Come on. Dreams and goals. Goals in life! I really felt like, "Check this box! Yes!" Why? Why do I care? I watch a fair amount of male gay porn.

Erica: Me too.

Theresa: What I'm finding is, first of all, I love men. I love men. Just spiritually I love men. I think because I love anal play so much, I wish more men knew how great anal play was. That's weird. When I see men enjoying anal, I'm like, "That is everything I love in one video. All the things coming together." Being able to be with a man who understands that, without feeling like-

Erica: Is comfortable with that.

Theresa: Is comfortable with it.

Kenrya: Because it's deeper than just, oh, this sex act. It's all the things that come into play that allow him to be comfortable with you putting your finger in his booty.

Theresa: That comfort, man, that freedom is just such a turn on, man.

Erica: Listen. Her fingers. She's literally moving her fingers.

Theresa: All of you all. All of you all. All of you all. Knuckles deep, man. Knuckles deep, man. Honestly.

Erica: I love it.

Theresa: Woo! You hear a brother say, "Deeper," you be like, "Oh!" Lord have mercy. I'm sweating. Jesus Christ. That shit was such a blessing. That was a memorable moment for me that just, just happened, into my 40s.

Erica: It's just nice to be with a man that is comfortable letting go of all of that shit and just-

Theresa: Yeah, man.

Erica: ... riding away, "Let's see what happens."

Theresa: Honestly. I've been trying, goals again, to get a DP situation going. Really it's a fantasy to just have two men. The only opportunity I've had, they can't keep it up, because there's something inside them that's just like, "I can't do it." It's just like, come on, man.

Erica: Homophobic.

Theresa: Yeah! "Do it for me! Focus on me. Whatever. If you brush up on each other, it's all good. We're all in this together."

Erica: You both are literally in pussy.

Theresa: Right. Fix your mind. You have been emotionally scarred into thinking that this is a problem. Why? I don't know. That's not scientific. I am frustrated with how deep-seated Black male trauma is and how it complicates my goals.

Erica: Fucking up my shit!

Theresa: "Can't you just get over your trauma for me?"

Erica: Jeez.

Theresa: Jeez.

Erica: "I got shit I need done to this! Bang!"

Theresa: Yeah. We still got work to do. We still got work to do.

Kenrya: Goals. We just going to keep-

Theresa: Yeah, goals.

Kenrya: ... going towards those goals.

Theresa: That's right. I'm going to hug them into my vagina.

Erica: On average, how many times do you have some sort of sexual contact in a week?

Theresa: [inaudible 00:27:13] when I used to have sex.

Erica: It includes masturbation. Masturbation, sexting, nudes, all that.

Theresa: Daily. Daily daily daily daily. Daily. It's funny, because I have a whole case of toys that I never use unless somebody says, "Bring the toys." I never use them on myself. I have one little vibrator that I keep under my pillow. I go through stints where I'm just not interested in using it. Then I get through some days where I'm like, "Just do it." You ever have to force yourself to masturbate? You have to be like, "Just do it. Just do it. You'll feel better after you do. You'll go to sleep. Jesus Christ. Just do it."

Erica: I definitely have. Two nights ago, I was like, "You know what? We got to handle this."

Theresa: "Turn it on! Just turn it on!" You make yourself do it. I every once in a while will get the nerve to record myself doing something. I have a little small audience of folks that I'll send things to who just appreciate receiving a gift of video. Those folks every once in a while pop up and say, "Hey, send me something." Then besides that, yes. When I'm in something, when I have somebody regular, it's usually a once-a-week situation.

Kenrya: I know you said you're horny all the time, but are there certain times a day that are best for you, either because of time or interest or other shit that's interfering in your life?

Theresa: No. It usually comes down to the evening for me. It usually just comes down to the evening based on schedules. I was seeing this one guy where every once in a while, which is too much for me, we would fall asleep without having sex. Then I'd hop up, because I'm an early morning person, early, early, 4:00, 5:00 in the morning and be like, "Look, I got to go and be out." Then once I ended up staying until 8:00 or so I realized that around 6:00, 7:00, he would wake up and be like, "Now is the time." I be like, "Oh, I didn't even know I was leaving before the show." I didn't know. I had no idea. Then you start staying a little bit later. You're like, "Okay. That's how it's got to work, I will stick around for that." Usually it's just the evening for me. I'm down all the time, but just in terms of schedules, the evening is usually when things get popping, late night.

Kenrya: When you are in a partnered sex situation, is there an optimal amount of time that works for you? Are you a quickie girl? Are you a, "We got to be at this for a few hours," kind of chick?

Theresa: My last situation of four years, which just ended this year, unfortunately, we had a pretty good-

Erica: It ended because it needed to end.

Theresa: It did need to end! It did. It really did.

Erica: [inaudible 00:30:25].

Theresa: Yeah. It's tough. I love him to death. Still good friends. We still have had sex twice since then. It couldn't be this regular, regular thing that it was. What it was is, for one we had a routine. I don't mind routine sex at all, especially if it works every time. You just do the little combination. You spin it to the right, then twice to the left, and back to the right, and it's like, "Oh, open. That worked for me. It worked."

Erica: Like a fucking cheat code.

Theresa: Yeah, cheat code, cheat code. He spent a lot of time going down on me beforehand, which was a blessing. Honestly, some nights you just do that and I'll be good to go. I return the favor and we're just like, "That was great." As a matter of fact, the first time we ever had sex it was just oral and it was so great. It was like, "I might never have to have sex again. This is fantastic! Nobody's ever, ever ... " He's so great. It was great every time. I just let him be down there as long as he wanted to. He wanted to be down there. How much time would pass, Jesus Christ. I think an hour max between oral and penetration. Then we'd do that and then I'd hop on top and then he'd hit it from the back, and then he'd hop on top and then we'd bust. Then we'd be like, "Yay, we did it again." That would probably be an hour every time.

Erica: We did it!

Theresa: Exactly. Now the finger experience that I had most recently, that was a marathon. That was going 30 to 40 minutes, then passing out, then waking back up and another 30 or 40, then passing back out, which was also great. For that steady, no, you can't, we're not going to do quickies, because like I said, I come a lot, and so I never feel really done done until it hurts a little bit, like, "Ha cha cha, ha cha, ha ha." You got to tap out, because you really shouldn't anymore. I do appreciate someone who can give me a little time.

Erica: When you were partnered or when you partner, where do you usually do it?

Theresa: Usually in the bed. Usually in the bed. I would like it other places. I think I have expressed that, not to him, because there's really no other place in his house that would've made sense.

Erica: Those good urban apartments.

Theresa: Yeah, where you're like, "This is it. This is all we got." I like it other places. It's funny, recently I was thinking about car sex. I haven't had sex in a car in a while. I don't know if I'm romanticizing it because I don't remember it and it was really whack back in the day. One time last year I was in a park on the hood of a car in the rizzain.

Erica: That sounds delightful. That sounds like a '90s RnB music video.

Theresa: I had the nerve to actually care about my press-out for a second. I was like, "Oh no, my hair," because it wasn't pouring rain. It was just drizzling, misting. I was like, "This is bad for my hair." He was like, "If you don't shut up."

Erica: "Shut the fuck up and take this dick."

Theresa: "If you don't shut up!"

Erica: You was like, "My bad!"

Theresa: I was like, "You right. You right. I'm sorry."

Erica: "My bad. What was I thinking?"

Theresa: "What was I thinking? We don't get chances like this often." I do, I love when you get those opportunities. That's always fun.

Erica: What's the best part of sex to you?

Theresa: So many good parts.

Erica: You literally bit your lip and looked out the window.

Theresa: So many good parts. The beginning, middle, and the end. I really do love good oral. I love giving and receiving. I love giving. I do love sucking dick. Goddamn.

Erica: Yeah, sucking dick is good.

Theresa: Sucking dick is so great.

Erica: Eating pussy.

Theresa: Yeah. Honestly I feel a little robbed, because I feel like I haven't had enough. I feel like I need more practice. It's been a long time. I'm a little salty about that.

Erica: You have one, so you know how to do it.

Theresa: I don't know, because there's one time one girl told me that I wasn't good at it and I ain’t know how I felt about that. I was like, "Nah, man, maybe it's your pussy. Maybe you don't even know how to ... " I didn't say any of that, but I. I felt really like, "I don't know, am I bad?" It was early on. That was early on. I love good oral. If it's bad, it's very frustrating. Also, I don't know, I'm a fan of penetration. I like it all. It's like which kid do you love the most. That's not a fair question. Next question! That's not fair. I love it all.

Erica: What's the most frustrating part?

Theresa: You know what's frustrating? The more I talk to people now, I'm realizing it's a thing, or apparently, or I don't know, it sounds like it's a thing after I've talked to several people. I would love a guy to be able to stay hard longer when I'm on top. What is that? Is it a circulation thing? How come they can't stay hard when you're on top?

Erica: Get him a cock ring. See, some guys are just mm about toys.

Theresa: They're super mm about toys. I would love-

Erica: I feel like a cock ring would him-

Theresa: ... to ride more often. That's one.

Kenrya: It would keep more blood there.

Theresa: That's the top of my mind frustration, especially because if I'm wet and I'm upside-down, you're not going to get as much of it, but if I'm on top and I'm just dripping down, that's gravity. You going to catch this. I'm also like, "Yay, I'm on top," and then they're like, "Man," and they move me. I'm like, "Ah! Shit. This would've been great if I could've ... "

Erica: That's that, "Let me move you before I bust."

Theresa: I think sometimes it is. It's like, it's a little too wet and maybe we should try something else. This is true.

Kenrya: Are there things in your day that ever keep you from being in the mood? Are you one of these people who work can intrude or family shit or whatever the hell?

Theresa: Nothing's going to stop this loving. Moods, no. No. No. Just my period. I have not mastered feeling great during my period. I've even sometimes, not often at all, but there have times where I have been horny on my period and still been like, "Nah, I can't." That's just not a threshold I've crossed.

Erica: I'm a fucking horn dog.

Theresa: Yeah, but do you have sex on your period?

Erica: uhh...

Theresa: "I'll ask the questions here!"

Erica: It depends on the partner. Some guys be like, "Bitch, throw down a towel." Other ones be like, "Eh, let's wait."

Theresa: I've definitely been with some people who are like, "That's not a thing." I'll be like, "It is a thing. I can't do it." No, there's nothing else that really, unless I got a problem with that dude specifically, it's not, no. Nobody has talked me into it.

Erica: You're like, "There's always a way."

Theresa: There's always a way. Keep talking.

Erica: We talked about baby Theresa's masturbation. What about now? How often do you masturbate? What are your preferred techniques?

Theresa: I'm super boring. Like I said, just me and that little vibrator. The truth of the matter is honestly I am a new vibrator user. Only in the last...2017, maybe 2017, the last three years. Just that's it. Before then it would be finger. It wouldn't even be finger inside. It'd just be clit stimulation with my finger. I watch porn. Sometimes I can come off imagination. It was always clitoral stimulation with my finger. That's what it was. Now it's just clit stimulation with a vibrator. Every once in a while it might be a shower head. Just might. You might get that every-

Erica: I've never done the shower head.

Kenrya: Me either.

Erica: I actually live in a house now with the thing.

Kenrya: I literally travel from house to house with my own detachable shower heads that I take down theirs and put my own shits up, but I've never used it for that purpose. It's just easier to wash all this fucking hair.

Theresa: Because of the hair thing, I need a good hard-pressure shower head. For a long time, I'm going to say probably, maybe since my 20s, I have found shower heads to be occasionally handy.

Kenrya: I feel like I may need to try this. I've heard it so many times but never done it myself.

Theresa: You get one stream-

Erica: I've got a project for tonight.

Theresa: ... going straight at your clit.

Erica: I got a project for tonight.

Theresa: There you go.

Erica: Thank you very much.

Theresa: Focus.

Erica: What would you change about your sex life if you could just snap your fingers and make it so?

Theresa: If I could snap my fingers and make it so, I would abolish all STDs.

Erica: Get rid of them niggas.

Theresa: Real quick. Real quick, because you could drop a load off and I'll catch that Plan B real quick, but this them STDs.

Erica: Chop shop like a motherfucker.

Theresa: "I already took it, don't worry. It was Plan A all along." No. Definitely, yeah, that would be it. That's a lofty ... Are we talking about something that's actually more real and realistic?

Kenrya: Nah, anything.

Erica: Honey, if you snapping fingers and making things happen, we want big shit.

Theresa: That would be it. Everything else would be great, great, great. I have no complaints otherwise.

Kenrya: All right. What is a sex best practice that you'd like to share with our listeners?

Theresa: Sex best practices. Here we go, because not a lot of people have the opportunity or take the opportunity to share this, but I think I've mastered anal prep.

Kenrya: Let's talk about it.

Theresa: I think there's just a lot of women who are skeevish, rightfully so, because they are uninformed about how to properly prep for anal. Everything from, I'm not really big on watching what you eat. I don't eat a bunch of crazy stuff, but just knowing what's going on with your stomach is important and clearing out early enough. Then I love my tribal douche. It's just easy peasy. It's in a little zipper case that it comes in. You just fill it up with some not hot water and get that cleanout going. Lots and lots and lots of lube. I now only recently because of my gay male friend recommended, I had no idea about silicone lube. It really just never dries.

Erica: So much better.

Theresa: Oh my God, never, ever dries.

Erica: It stays on top.

Theresa: Yeah. You just turn that bottle open and just upside-down into your ... Just empty half a bottle of lube into your ass. Sometimes if you just finger, stretch yourself out a little bit. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt at first, but if you keep going through the tunnel, you get to the other side, there's a pot of gold! Pot of gold! I really wish more women would take the steps and get good about it, because it's one more ... It's like if you was going to Six Flags every year and then you found out that there was a whole other wing of Six Flags you didn't even know exists. You're like, "Oh shit! There's all these rides on this side too? Man!"

Erica: "You all see this shit?

Theresa: "I've been coming to Six Flags for years! I had no idea they had these rides when you turn the corner." It's just a whole other amusement park in your booty hole.

Kenrya: I love that analogy.

Erica: Amusement park in your booty hole. Do you have any must-use tools?

Theresa: Just the lube. Right now I think I'm cute, because I'm always wet, so I don't use a lot of lube for vaginal. Even sometimes I'm like, "I probably should've used lube."

Kenrya: Those moments are always the worst when yo ass is being big and bad and then you finish and you like, "Oh, maybe I should've-"

Theresa: Dammit! Lube is cool, because you know had you stopped trying to be cute, it probably would've been even better. You're like, "You know what would make this better is lube. You'd forget I have it on and we'd just be going to town." That would be my number one, because otherwise, like I said, my experience with toys isn't super duper duper long.

Erica: We always do a would you rather question. Would you rather give up, if you couldn't do it at all ever again in life, masturbation or partnered sex?

Theresa: Masturbation. What? Next question. I ain't going to touch myself. You going to touch me? I don't have to touch myself? You're going to do it? I'm lazy as shit. Hell yeah. I'd give up masturbation in a second. My lazy ass.

Kenrya: Same actually. Also, in part because I'm lazy, because I be so tired and be like, "Okay, I don't feel like going through all of that." To me, and I would not imagine I'm necessarily the majority in this situation, but the orgasms are not as intense for me as they are when I'm having partnered sex. It's always a little disappointing. It's like, "Is that all there is?"

Theresa: It feels like maintenance. When you make yourself cum, you're like, "Okay, that was cool, good, got that out of the way."

Erica: You're laying in bed. Wake up the next morning, wash your face like, "You dirty bitch. Look at you with your nasty ass."

Theresa: I am having deep vaginal orgasms right now, and I enjoy that. Bring on the partner.

Kenrya: All right. What do you hope that people will learn from this little walk through your sex life?

Theresa: Honestly, the thing I'm actually still trying to learn, honestly, over everything, and I'm not a parent, is about that early, that childhood development. It's not so much of this is what I wish you would learn from me knowing, but it's something I hope we all learn a little bit better, is really what's okay and what's not and how to figure out when to intervene with your kids or how involved to get. My parents were very not involved. I was stealth as a mofo. I still am. I'm very protective over my sex life when it comes to my parents. I never talk to my mom. I never talk to my father. I turned out okay, but I don't know if that's okay for everybody. I think that more so than anything, that's something I'd want to continue understanding and investigating so that I could help other people, how to deal with your kids and how to deal with whatever you went through in your childhood.

Kenrya: All right.

Erica: Cool.

Theresa: Yay. I adore you guys.

Kenrya: Yay, and we love you too.

Erica: Thank you so much for joining us.

Theresa: Thank you for having me. This was so much fun. I wish I could be here-

Erica: You're so much fun.

Theresa: ... every day.

Kenrya: This is what we love about this show. We get to talk to dope people about dope shit.

Theresa: Yeah, about the dopest shit on the planet.

Erica: Maybe we can bring you back to go a little bit more about the backdoor action.

Theresa: Yes! I will talk about that uncovered. I will tell you about my real life.

Erica: "This is my booty. Look at pictures. That's me in the background."

Theresa: Exhibit A! Exhibit A. I am currently missing the backdoor action situation.

Kenrya: That wraps up this week's episode of The Turn On. Thank you all for listening, and see you soon.

[theme music]

Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review, and you'll be entered to win something that's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at [email protected] to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two-for-one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations and sex and related questions. Follow us on Twitter at @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram at @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Holla.

LISTEN TO THE TURN ON
Apple Podcasts | Google Play | iHeart Radio | Radio Public | Spotify | Stitcher | TuneIn | YouTube

CONNECT WITH THE TURN ON
Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Patreon

SHOW NOTES
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk to Mistress Domonique about sex education, the best thing about being a domme and how to shine in nudes.

Resources:

• Guest, Mistress Domonique: Twitter | Instagram
• Book, "F*ck and Fall in Love": Amazon
  

The Turn On participates in affiliate programs, which provide a small commission when you purchase products via links on this site. This costs you nothing, but helps support the show. Click here for more information.
​
TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.

Kenrya: Today, we're talking to Mistress Domonique, pronouns she and her. Often known as The Sweet Domo, Mistress Domonique is a sensual sadist who enjoys loving up on people. Mistress Domonique believes that all kinks matter, and she's been a sexual educator and professional Domme for a little over a decade. Yo, thanks for joining us today.

Mistress Domonique: Yes, my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.

Kenrya: Great.

Erica: We are so excited to have you.

Mistress Domonique: Yes.

Erica: Tell us a little bit about your work.

Mistress Domonique: Yeah, sure. So I would say, as an adolescent, that's when I've gotten my start into the world of sex in general. It was my responsibility to educate my peers on how to have fun, safe sex. So, you can catch me in high school passing out condoms or telling folks where they can go to get tested, or even how they can put a condom on creatively at a very young age. From there, I just stayed and evolved. So from there you would catch me selling sex toys. When I got out of undergrad, that's when I decided that I wanted to fully become a professional dominatrix, since in my personal life, I just carried this dominant spirit wherever I went. So that plus this freedom that I have around sexuality in general just pushed me into everything domination.

Kenrya: I thought it was interesting. You said it was your responsibility to teach folks around you. Why? Why did you feel like that was something that you needed to take on when you were in high school?

Mistress Domonique: A lot of my classmates were getting pregnant and a lot of my classmates then were having sex, although when I started educating folks, I was not sexually active at all ya'll. I was not fucking at all.

Kenrya: You're like, "I read these books though."

Mistress Domonique: I did, and I attended the workshops in the classes where I put in the hours, but knowing that my classmates couldn't talk to their parents about it at all. So it's like, "Okay, who am I going to talk to about it? I know that I can get a raw educated answer from someone who's not going to judge me." It kind of spread whereas one person would be like, "Yo, I wonder what this is going to look like. I want to do this in the tunnel right now, what are your thoughts?"

Kenrya: Those tunnels. We had those, too.

Mistress Domonique: Listen, the tunnels exist. The tunnels exist. I'm like, "That's fine, but if you want to get oral sex then or you're going to get head, here's a condom, here's a flavored condom. What's her favorite flavor? Here's the main goal. Here's strawberry." So it was just kind of knowing that they had access to someone who wouldn't judge them. Everyone's doing it, so why not? I do think that, because no one else was giving it in my school, meaning you either had to go to the nurse's office to get condoms. So it kind of just ... I'm a servant at heart, so it just made sense that I love learning about sex. Let me just help others.

Erica: Sharing is caring.

Mistress Domonique: Literally. Literally.

Erica: So what do you like most about your work?

Mistress Domonique: I love it when ... so I have male subs, women subs, female subs, as well as Black, white, right? Kind of on the spectrum. I will say that one thing that is common is each sub or client carries this disbelief that you aren't a real Domme. Right? I don't know why it happens. Maybe because they've been tarnished in the past, but there's a point where every single sub gets to where they're like, "Wow, you're everything that I didn't know that you are, but now I see." So I think for me, that's the most joyful part, when that total submission comes in a way of them finally recognizing that, not only am I superior, but you desire to serve and completely obey and worship me with your entire existence.

Erica: Yes, bitch.

Kenrya: Yes. Yes, that would be my favorite part too.

Mistress Domonique: I think that's really my favorite part.

Erica: I got chills through my body.

Kenrya: I know.

Mistress Domonique: Because from there, then it's like, "Okay, Mistress Domonique, what do you need? What can I do?" Right? So it's just a matter of like, "Here's my life. I now trust you to give me my allowance and make sure bills are paid" or "I now am open to trying so many different things with you just because that's there." So I think that's my favorite part.

Erica: Wow.

Mistress Domonique: Yeah.

Erica: So, I even hate to ask this because it was such a high listening to you explain your favorite part, but what's your least favorite part?

Mistress Domonique: That's a good question. My least favorite part. I think there's like two parts. Number one, subs or potential clients who think that they can just slide in my inbox or DM just to kind of have a conversation, just because they think that that's something that's welcome. I think that there's a difference from admiring, but kind of like, "Oh, Mistress or Goddess, I want you to do A, B, C or D." It's just like you're trying to get your rocks off simply by me telling you "No, fall back." I don't like that, but I also think, being a Black Domme, wow, it's really, really old. Right? I think it's new for the kink world in a way that social media now puts a face to us in a way that it hasn't before. Right? Usually the main face that you would see of a dominatrix or professional domination would be a white woman. I will say, now there's kind of like this ... I don't want to say anti-Black sexual worker type of thing, but we are attacked a lot more aggressively than our white counterparts, in a way. Our accounts are reported a lot often, posts are deleted. You can catch us in jail a lot often. Oftentimes, our money is held up in ways that won't necessarily be for the other. So I think just knowing that and having to constantly navigate that has and always will be a challenge.

Erica: By jail, you mean like Twitter jail, Instagram jail, right?

Mistress Domonique: Yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Erica: Okay. Cool. All right, so the reason that we have you on is that last week we read this book and it's called “F*ck and Fall in Love.”

Mistress Domonique: Y'all, I've read it.

Kenrya: Did you? Yay.

Mistress Domonique: I've read it. So, I've read it today.

Kenrya: Good.

Mistress Domonique: I read it today.

Kenrya: Look at you.

Erica: So, look at you, yes. So, there's this scene where Jane has sex on camera for the first time. We understand that you do all things kink, all kinks matter. I understand that, as a dominatrix, you don't always have sex with your clients. You may not have sex with any of your clients, but we wanted to chat with you a little bit about just having sex on camera. So tell us about the first time you stepped in front of the camera as an amateur.

Mistress Domonique: Oh ...

Erica: Or as a professional.

Mistress Domonique: So I was really, really young. Well, not super young, definitely in undergrad. I was dating this guy and we went to the movies and we decided to hook up in the movies and I was like, "Hey, let's record it." We kind of just recorded it in the back of the movie theater. That's when I-

Kenrya: A double feature.

Mistress Domonique: Super, and it was by coincidence that no one was in the movie. There was no one in there, so it just made having the flash on a lot easier, right?

Erica: It sounds like a really great story. I love it.

Mistress Domonique: But it was then ... it was there that I realized that I enjoyed being recorded in a way that ... it turns me on in a way that I have never, ever thought that being recorded itself or even just having sex in front of people could ... is definitely a kink of mine.

Erica: Well, I too. I too. So, did you have any hangups about seeing your body on film? I know the first time I saw myself I was like, "Aw," so what about you?

Mistress Domonique: I would say when I first started, no, just because I had the foundation that I did around sexuality, right? In those trainings they would be like, "Yeah girl, go grab a mirror and examine yourself," right? So that was something that was severely normal to me. So seeing it was just like, "Oh girl, now I see you squirting. Oh, that's cute. That's really cute." But I think now, just because I've gotten older and now it's like my eczema decides that it wants to do its own type of thing.

Kenrya: You and me both.

Mistress Domonique: I find that there are moments when I'm like, "Hmm, I wonder, how can I edit that?" So you would catch me, depending on what type of dark spot it is, I'll put a cute emoji on it or I'll make the picture large enough so that you won't see it, but that's something that ... this eczema is a journey, but that is something that I find that is one of the only things that I think about with regard to my body as it relates to being on camera.

Kenrya: All right. Wow. Well conversely, we know that some folks, that's part of why they aren't comfortable doing things like filming and/or taking nudes. It's not really why I don't take nudes. I think it's just because it's not my natural thing, versus Erica where she's like a master. She's a master snapper. But what tips do you have for folks like me who may be apprehensive about it or even just people who want to do it but aren't sure how to get the best angles or how to cover up the things that they don't like, like how you were just saying with emojis. What are some things people can do to be more comfortable in front of the camera with their bodies?

Mistress Domonique: Yeah. I think the first things first is figuring out whatever things that you need or whatever process you need to get you at your most 100% authentic comfortable. So whatever that is, whether that's some tea and a nice detox bath or a nice meal or a book or a nice foot massage, whatever it is that you need to get in your, I am 100% out of my mind, space. I think that's the most important first step. Then the next step from there is, now that you're out of your head, how can we start feeling sexy? So is that putting on some nice sexy R&B or some lingerie or doing something different at that time that you're taking those photos that you normally wouldn't do. So, normally I don't wear makeup at all. I think it's a piece of me having to find my perfect skin tone, plus I feel like it's a lot of labor into it, but when it comes time to make content or be sexy, I know that I'm putting on makeup because it adds to it, right? It adds to it. Then from there, only you know what it takes to make you feel at your sexiest. Whatever that is, do it and stay out of your head.

Mistress Domonique: Also, recognize that you are a human being and the sexual urges that you feel are natural. So many people try to hide them and fight them in a way that is like, "Oh, if I touch this and that feels good, I'm doing something wrong." Or "I have too much cellulite on this booty cheek, so it looks a little funny." I think it's in those moments when we have to do a little extra loving up on our booty cheek or extra loving upon that area, kind of affirming it. That's how we'll get there.

Kenrya: That's dope. So I'm interested in how ... we've had some folks on the show before and we talked about how their work impacts their personal relationships, whether they're intimate or otherwise. I'm really curious as to that, how that works with you? How does your work impact your intimate relationships and vice versa?

Mistress Domonique: That is a really good question. I'm still figuring it out. In terms of professional, it doesn't impact it really. I'm trying to kind of merge the two, but it's been a little challenge, but personally, I actually just got out of a season of my life where the person that I was in that season with was supportive of me being a Domme, however, didn't want to talk about it. They didn't want to help me look at pictures. They didn't want anything to do with it at all.

Kenrya: They were supportive as long as they didn't have to deal with it.

Mistress Domonique: They didn't have to deal with it at all, but it's who I am, right? So if I'm laying in bed at night and I want to look up some thigh high boots and I want you to see if they're cute or not, right? At the end of the day, it's my partner. I would desire for that person to be there. However, they were just not feeling it at all and at this moment, of course, I don't want to say it's because of that reason alone, but we're no longer in partnership.

Mistress Domonique: I will say, since then, moving forward, it is something that I have communicated to any person that desires to get to know me when I feel like the time is appropriate for me to communicate that too, just because I don't have sex with any of my subs or clients, because at the end of the day I want an alpha man. I don't want a submissive man doing me in the bedroom. That's not what I desire. So when I communicate that to potential partners, I think they get it, but it's a piece of them recognizing like, "Wow, she's kinky as hell." So for them it's like, "How do I get the best of both worlds?" But for me it's just letting them know that, while I may bring some things in, I am not showing up as Mistress Domonique in the bedroom, and sometimes folks don't understand that.

Kenrya: That makes sense.

Mistress Domonique: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Erica: Well, the right man will.

Kenrya: Exactly.

Mistress Domonique: Absolutely.

Erica: The right person will.

Mistress Domonique: You are absolutely right.

Kenrya: I concur. So what advice do you have for folks who want to kind of follow in your footsteps professionally?

Mistress Domonique: The first step, I would encourage them to find their why, not only because it will help them navigate different spaces, but it'll also help ground them when they have moments of I'm not meeting anyone or no one seems to be interested or other folks are getting it or whatever moments of discomfort. I will also encourage them to do research. You can never stop learning. There's never enough information at all. If you meet a professional Domme who says that she knows it all, she's learned all the information so she doesn't have to learn anymore, I would try to go the other way just because someone, anyone, not even in the field of domination, but if anyone says that they're stopped learning, I would be hesitant of that person's personal growth and where they are in life.

Mistress Domonique: I will also encourage them to ... on top of the why, it's a piece of ... why not other things, in a way, if that makes sense, right? So when you choose to be a Domme, it is making the conscious decision that you're going to be a sex worker. Oftentimes, when you're a professional Domme, those lines can get blurred in other things. So I would say merely take as much time as you need to figure out where you desire to go in the realm of sex work, because it is super broad, right? There are some Dommes who choose to have sex with their clients or just have sex with other people via escorting, right? There are other Dommes who may sell pleasure product. There are other Dommes who may just do Kama Sutra. Me, I'm currently studying Kama Sutra. So it really just depends on where it is that you desire to go, but wherever it is that you go, it literally should be who you are. Don't try to do something that you're not at the end of the day. There's nothing wrong with learning other things, but don't try to do things that you're not because folks won't authentically gravitate towards you. It'll be harder.

Erica: We know that you choose to hide your identity online.

Mistress Domonique: I do.

Erica: My question for you is, why did you make that choice and how does that impact your work for better or worse?

Mistress Domonique: That's a good question as well. Such good questions. Snaps.

Erica: Thanks.

Mistress Domonique: So initially, I chose to be undercover because of my work. I work and I'm a public servant in my vanilla life, so as COVID is going on, it is literally my responsibility to save this area. Then knowing that, while I do desire to have some of my colleagues switch over to my dark side of things, I know that upon initial reaction, folks won't understand. Where I am at this moment, I don't have the space or energy to offer an explanation.

Mistress Domonique: I have been thinking and plotting and strategizing of when I wrote be switching over because I've been playing with my vanilla page in a way that I've ... every three days I'm dropping some heavy BDSM stuff. Like super wow, whereas colleagues from work follow me. The colleagues from work follow me. It's wild stuff and whereas people are hitting me up and they're like, "Wow, I didn't know that you were into this stuff" and I'm like, "Yes, I love it," but that's kind of how I'm planting my seeds, but I do believe ultimately, more than likely when I transition out of this work and begin to really focus on me being a public servant away from this occupation, then I'll do it because they'll mesh together easily. I can walk everywhere and say, "Yes, I do this and I do that."

Mistress Domonique: It is impacting me because a lot of folks think that I'm fake, sometimes just because they're like, "Oh, there's no face" or "Why aren't there many pictures up?" So, whereas normally someone would send a tribute and then an application, I'm now finding that I have to answer questions before we even get to them filling out applications, just because they're like, "Oh, why can't I see your eyes?" or different things like this. So on my Instagram, you'll see that while there's only a few pics, I put those pics there so that you can see like, "Oh wow, this skin looks like this skin and this body looks like that." Just so that folks can just leave me alone with wanting to see all of this so soon.

Erica: So, two things and they're very different, but I just wanted to touch on them. First, you said applications and tributes. So can you kind of explain that situation on like how a sub would approach you, yada, yada, yada?

Mistress Domonique: Yeah.

Erica: Also, with the idea of your identity being hidden online, I still want to touch on the fact that you were still able to find successes and wins in that. It just took a little bit more work, correct?

Mistress Domonique: Absolutely. Absolutely. I had to maneuver a lot differently in other spaces outside of mainstream social media, just so that I can get traction to that social media page. So you can catch me out in events a lot more than you will on social media, right? Or on other websites like Fet Life, [inaudible 00:23:16] than you will on Instagram. Plus, I also found that when you have contacts in your phone, they still send pages. I accidentally found one of my professors pop up as a suggested contact on Instagram, which I partially kind of don't care because I had a semi-crush on that professor, but it's just kind of like, how is this happening? I don't know why this is happening.

Mistress Domonique: For the applications and tribute, so excuse me. So, subs are different from clients, so submissives are those who I consider those who have decided that they want to worship me, serve me, and obey me. Submissives are slaves. So in order to become a submissive or slave, you have to fill out an application. The application works two ways. Number one, it shows me that you're not wasting my time. You're not just trying to hear me tell you no so that you can beat yourself, right? But it also helps to be understand if we're compatible, because you may want some off the wall shit that's just not going to work over here that I won't know until after you've sent me money, had I met them that application, therefore I'm like, "Oh wow, now I'm stuck with doing something that I didn't really want to do because I didn't have that information upfront." So normally what happens is, let's say on Instagram for instance, you are not sliding in my DMs unless you have sent a tribute.

Mistress Domonique: A tribute is a monetary gift just because you want to get mistress' attention, right? You know that my time is valuable and you know that you'll be wasting it if you try to approach me without compensating me for my time, therefore you don't do it. So you send the tribute and then you would then say, "Tribute sent, mistress," "Tribute sent, goddess," and then approach me with your inquiry or your question or whatever statement it is that you wanted to do. From there, I would encourage you to fill out the application and then we'll meet up and then we'll figure out what our relationship will look like, but that's completely different from those who desire to be clients.

Erica: Okay. Well, thank you.

Mistress Domonique: My pleasure.

Erica: What other precautions should people take to protect themselves if they want to get into this line of work?

Mistress Domonique: I would say the top three would be, number one, know your health, inside and out, from your respiratory system, down to your reproductive system, right? How much oxygen you have flowing in your body, because when you're trying certain things and ... a good Domme wouldn't do anything on a sub that they wouldn't do to themselves. So, when you're trying certain things, you want to make sure that you're okay for it and your body is okay for it. Also, although you aren't having sex with your subs, sometimes you are coming into skin-to-skin contact with your subs, so it's really, really important for you to figure out if you have any type of infections, either bacteria or viral, that's in your body. So anything, any of the H's, HPV, HIV, herpes, hepatitis, those things you will not really know until you get blood drawn or you receive something from cultures. So you have to be really, really important on getting tested regularly and know your status.

Mistress Domonique: The next thing I would say from that is knowing where the sex laws are in the country, in your area or your jurisdiction, because while some things are changing at the national level, things are kind of remaining the same at the state and county. So you have to be careful with maneuvering because in certain states being a dominatrix is seen as straight prostitution, as solicitation. So you have to tread those lines very, very carefully.

Mistress Domonique: The next thing I would say is don't ... properly vet your subs. You shouldn't just be meeting Jack and Joe off of Instagram and then inviting them over to your house just to beat their ass. That's an absolute no-no. You have to check them the same way that you would check a potential partner, if you check potential partners. If not, a little bit more, and never have them at your house. I would say those are like the top three things for safety.

Kenrya: That was great. So what can we, as folks who listen to this show, do to support sex workers?

Mistress Domonique: Sure. I would first start by following, sharing, and talking about as much as you can, Black Domme Sorority. If you aren't familiar, it is a sorority for Black and Afro Latina women who are basically deciding that they want to join a community full of dorms. So I would start there by either following us on Instagram or supporting any of our lovely Dommes who are part of Black Domme Sorority. Shout out to our founder, Mistress Marley. Whoop whoop. I will.

Mistress Domonique: I’d also say advocacy is a really, really big thing. I'm really, really big on the power of our voice and using that to kind of forward move the movement. So if you know of any policies being changed that's impacting those who are sex workers, get out to your council meetings. DC has opened council meetings, hearings. Get out to them, express your concern. There's nothing too big or too little that cannot make an impact or will not make an impact. So do that, but also open up your mind a little bit. Everyone has a kink. Everyone has a kink. So if we think of it from that way, I think that there'll be less shunning, there'll be a lot less stigma that's going around. It will just result in a more open society with less judgment and hate.

Erica: Yep. So are there any myths about sex work that you want to dispel?

Mistress Domonique: Ooh, let's see, that we are all hoes.

Erica: We like a good ho, but not everybody's a ho.

Mistress Domonique: Listen, we love them, but I think that we're automatically hoes, I hear that a lot. Even with older generations, because my mom knows that I'm a Domme. I had to tell her because she's super extra, so I had to let her know from the beginning.

Kenrya: What did she think?

Mistress Domonique: So I don't know about y'all parents or family members, but she watches the ID channel a lot, like true crime and all that stuff.

Kenrya: She is worried.

Mistress Domonique: So she's like ... as soon as I told her, she's like, "Oh, I saw something like that on true crime last night. Yeah, she went to the hotel and her family couldn't find her." Something like that, and I'm like, "Girl, relax. Understand that you raised someone super intelligent, so I'm not going to put myself in harm's way, so like just chill, like just chill."

Mistress Domonique: She also said in that conversation, "So does this mean that you like are going to be fucking for money for everybody? That's hoe stuff." I'm like, "Well, mom, we're not going to judge how people get their living, first of all. Second of all, that's not what I'm doing. I don't desire to have sex with my subs because ultimately I desire to be in a partnership with an alpha man." So that isn't going to happen. But I think that's kind of one of the biggest, that a lot of folks kind of just thinks that just because you're stripping or you're a cam girl, you're a phone sex operator, that you're heavily promiscuous. Not to say that that's a problem, because listen, we enjoy ... but I think society ...

Erica: We want good, healthy sex.

Mistress Domonique: Listen, I think that society just kind of makes it a bad thing when in reality everybody thinks about sex a lot. I think one of those myths ... that's probably the biggest. Every other myth, when I hear it, I usually debunk it right there just because I don't have time for it to be circulated.

Erica: Yeah.

Mistress Domonique: Yeah.

Kenrya: Well, you were saying earlier about how you use your IG account to kind of verify, so folks can see you're a real person. Can you tell us what it is so folks can find you online?

Mistress Domonique: Sure. So, you may see me circulating through a Tinder or Bumble in your city, or you may not, but my Instagram as well as my Twitter is TheeSweetDomo and that's spelled T-H-E-E sweet Domo. You can find that on Instagram as well as Twitter. On FetLife, you can find me as Thee Sweet Domo or Domonique Sweets.

Kenrya: All righty. Thank you so much.

Mistress Domonique: My pleasure.

Kenrya: That wraps up this week's episode. It was so good to talk to you.

Mistress Domonique: Oh, it was so great chatting with you all and you all having me on here. I really enjoyed myself and this talk.

Erica: Thanks. It's always fun.

Mistress Domonique: Thank you.

Kenrya: Hey everybody, thank you for tuning in and we'll be back next week.

Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme song is from Brazy. We want to hear from y'all. Send your book recommendations and all the burning sex and related questions you want us to answer to [email protected]. Please subscribe to the show in your favorite podcast app, follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast, and find links to our books, transcripts, guest information, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcasts.com. Remember, The Turn On is now part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more shows you'll love at Frolic.media/podcast. Thanks for joining us, and we'll see you soon. Holla.