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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read "A Private Affair" by A.C. Arthur and talk about the universality of pooping, crystal pussy Twitter, not pathologizing lack of sexual desire, what our parents taught us about love and the narcissistic urge to rewrite history.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Hey, y'all. Welcome back to this week's episode of The Turn On. Today we are reading “A Private Affair,” which was written by AC Arthur. So sit back, relax, get your wine, your weed, whatever you need, and enjoy.
Kenrya: “A Private Affair” by AC Arthur.
Kenrya: Her fingers shook only slightly as she grabbed the waist of his sweatpants. He took another step closer, and Riley pushed the pants down past his hips. She didn't bother pushing the boxers down, but instead reached her hand inside the opening and grabbed his dick.
Kenrya: "That's it, baby. Take what you want." His words were raspy and sounded dirty. She liked them.
Kenrya: Riley scooted her butt to the edge of the couch, spreading her legs, so that Chaz was now standing between them. She jerked her hand from the base of his length to the tip, watching hungrily as her fingers moved over the silky dark skin. Her mouth watered, and she dipped her head, extended her tongue and took her first taste.
Kenrya: She owned a penthouse in Manhattan, a Lamborghini, had a trust fund she hadn't touched a penny of yet, and thanks to her budding career and smart investments, became a millionaire years ago, at the age of 25. But nothing she'd accomplished up to this point in her life had given Riley the surge of power she felt with Chaz's dick in her mouth. With her throat muscles relaxed, she took in his full length. Hollowing her cheeks, she sucked while her tongue licked the bottom of the shaft.
Kenrya: One hand was still at the base of his dick, holding him in place, while the other fondled his heavy sack. Her eyes were closed as she worked her mouth over him while the sound of his guttural moans, and the feel of his fingers raking over her scalp, pushing away the band that held her hair, rang like music to her ears.
Kenrya: He pulled back and pumped into her mouth with slow movements that almost seemed painful, if the sound of his grunts were any indication. But the way he held her head so tight to him and the slight tremble in his thighs, when she held him deep in her throat, made Riley feel as if she were flying, soaring, actually over the entire world that had read Walt's stupid article and believed every word about her being frigid and experienced in the bedroom.
Kenrya: "Damn, your freaking mouth," his words were punctuated with deep breaths and loud exhales. "Your sweet, hot, little mouth."
Kenrya: Riley let her lip slide over his dick as she pulled back slowly. He wrapped her hair around his fingers and gripped tighter, trying to keep her from releasing him completely. That wasn't her plan. Instead, she flicked her tongue over the crest of his, easing into the slit that ripped sugar drops of his precum. He hissed, sucking air through clenched teeth as his head fell back on his shoulders.
Kenrya: Riley had looked up just in time to see the moment of surrender in this infamous, sophisticated billionaire. Triumph was like a nightcap, and they hadn't even experienced a full meal yet. She knew the moment Chaz had reached his breaking point, when just as she sucked him in deep again and tighten her mouth around him, he released her head and stepped back from her hastily.
Kenrya: "Take off your clothes," he grumbled as he pulled his shirt up and over his head in a matter of seconds.
Kenrya: Riley didn't bother being offended by his command. She could still be in control of this interlude. When she was naked, she stood. Chaz had just finished removing his shoes and was taking the condom out of his wallet before tossing the wallet onto the table and pushing his pants and boxers down and off.
Kenrya: He must have replenished his condom stash when he went to his room, because the two left over from last night were still on a nightstand in the bedroom. This one Chaz held between his teeth while he removed the rest of his clothes.
Kenrya: Riley stepped forward, snapping the packet away from him. She tore it open and removed the latex so that when he stood gloriously naked in front of her, she quickly sheathed him.
Kenrya: "This is what you want?" It was a question he didn't give her a chance to answer, because, before Riley could speak, Chaz wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against his chest. She tilted her head to stare up at him and he bent down to meet her, crashing his lips over hers and taking a brutally hot kiss. Tongues, teeth, and moans, mixed and Ming while naked bodies pressed together in the middle of the living room in a luxury Milan hotel. This could have been a scene in a movie, a tawdry sex flick, not the romantic comedies they'd been watching all day.
Kenrya: He lifted her off the floor, wrapping her legs around his waist while his mouth still worked over hers. Riley wrapped her arms tightly around his neck as Chaz moved them back to the couch. She wasn't thinking of anything now, besides how good his kisses were, and how the taste of him were forever being emblazoned in her mind and when he sat on the couch, holding her close in his lap, Riley eagerly pulled away from his mouth. She dropped her hands between their bodies and grabbed his cock while lifting her body to position herself over him.
Kenrya: "Now," she breathed the single word just as the tip of his dick touched her wet opening.
Kenrya: "Whatever you want," he replied, before taking her nipple between his teeth for a quick suck.
Kenrya: Riley gasped and slammed down onto him. He filled her completely, snugly, but comfortably. It took her a couple of seconds to let the pleasure of his presence inside ripple up her spine and spread throughout her body. Then she was riding coming up on her knees and rotating her hips in a rhythm that once again had Chaz gasping and murmuring something about her lips, her tightness, and how much he enjoyed all of the above.
Kenrya: She marveled in the words, let them wash over her with the unmitigated pleasure sex with him was bringing her. He matched her rhythm, cupping her butt tightly, and licking her breasts as she arched over him.
Kenrya: Riley was definitely soaring now, but this time it was over puffy white clouds that lulled her into a place where only pleasure existed. She bounced over him knowing that it could all only get better from this point.
Kenrya: "Yes, Riley, take everything you want. Let go, take it all." He gave her permission and she took it and more until her release crashed over her, splintering her into a million pieces that scattered over sweet blissful cloud.
Kenrya: Text copyright 2020 by Artist C. Author, permission to read text grants by Harlequin Enterprises ULC.
Erica: Okay. Y'all so welcome back. Thank you, Kenrya, for reading that excerpt from “A Private Affair” by AC Arthur.
Kenrya: It's kicking your ass, ain't it?
Erica: It is kicking my ass, AC Arthur. Thank you for reading that excerpt. So what's the deal, what happened in this book?
Kenrya: So it opens on New Year's Eve in Milan, and there's these... I know, that's like very much what I find myself doing throughout this book, because it's these very wealthy people. Well, it's really... Well, we'll talk about that.
Erica: I love rich Black folk by the way.
Kenrya: Yeah, it's cute. So they, our two stars, are the heads, kind of, of rival fashion houses. One of them is, how am I blanking on names, and I literally just read the shit, Riley, she is the chief marketing officer at her family's fashion house. And then Chaz is a tech billionaire, but he also like a consulting officer at his uncle's fashion house. And the two houses, the heads of the houses used to work together, but there's competing stories about why they broke up. But the short of it is they don't fuck with each other, and so it started this like feud between the two families.
Kenrya: And so the two of them really don't know much about each other, except for Chaz is infatuated with Riley, and he doesn't really know why, he's drawn to her. And so they're at this party on new year's in Milan. And he basically is like, "Spend 24 hours with me," and she's attracted to him, but she's also like leery because of their family shit. But she also trying to fuck, so she says, "Okay."
Kenrya: Things go on longer than 24 hours. It develops into a what? A private affair, and a whole bunch of shit happens along the way, as they deal with what it means to work in the fashion world, and what it means to be members of these family-run businesses and try to balance what is happening in their relationship and how much they want to happen and how much they don't want to happen, so high jinks. You're on mute.
Erica: No idea why that happened. Yes, okay, so high jinks ensue. One of the things you find out very early, very, very early on, like first fucking paragraph of the book is that Riley is known as a ice queen. These are rich, rich folks, these are rich, rich, well-known folks. So not only are they rich, but they business everywhere. And Riley is known as an ice queen. It's all in the tabloids. She's an ice queen. She never lets anyone in her circle, and that kind of thing.
Erica: We find out later in the book that her story was made to be that by someone in her circle, that was just like, "I can't have you, I'm going to make you look like in front of the world," correct?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And not that she... Answer this, I don't think she necessarily leaned into it, but didn't go out of her way to stop it, correct?
Kenrya: Well, it's interesting. I think that in her effort to then keep her business to herself, because she didn't want it to be used against her, that she then came off as icy, but it was really a self-protection type of a thing. So it wasn't necessarily that she was leaning into it. She was just trying to protect herself. But also the other part of that ice princess thing was that, that nigga said that she was frigid in bed, which was another thing that... Yeah.
Erica: So as I was reading this, every time they talked about ice princess, I was just like, "This is some like patriarchal bullshit," right?
Erica: I could not get past that part of it all, because it's like, she's just trying to mind her fucking business, and stay out the fucking paper. But she's then labeled as an ice queen.
Kenrya: And what the fuck does that mean? Not wanting to fuck somebody doesn't mean that you are... I don't know, and does it matter? So what if you don't want to fuck? Why is that used as a negative thing? And that is really how she's painted. Like, ooh, she don't want nobody to touch her or something wrong with her. Well, it's a lot of motherfuckers that don't want nobody to touch them.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. This made me think, I remember when we were in school, I think I said it on here before, people have approached me and was like, "I thought you were really mean." And I'm like, "Me?" But I think it's more, when I'm unsure, I shut up, I clam up. I just don't say shit. And once I'm comfortable, I mean, it don't take a lot for me to get comfortable, once I'm comfortable, then all bets are off. But I think it's one of those things, where it's like, one thing is, I'm just trying to protect myself, but it's being read as something completely different, you know?
Erica: I'm going to hate even bringing this up, I would've never put this on the 2021 bingo card for The Turn On podcast. But anyway, I was watching “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” Kathy Hilton is on, is a guest on there. Kathy and then her sister, Kyle Richards is a long-time housewife. And Garcelle Beauvais, whatever, she is a housewife. And so-
Kenrya: Is she?
Erica: Yeah. She's the one Black housewife. There's so much racist shit that goes on in there. But, anyway, so she's the one Black housewife. And a lot of times she just says what's on her mind. And so she was talking to Kathy and she was like, "Oh my God. I remember I went to an event with your daughter, and I thought she was so stuck up because she sat on her phone the entire time." It was like a show or something. And Kathy was like, "No, she has like crippling anxiety. And so being on her phone keeps her from having to deal with everything that's-"
Kenrya: Interacting, yeah.
Erica: Yeah. And I was like, "Wow, see." Yeah. Yeah. So it's one of those things where, okay, don't necessarily judge a book by its cover or what you think is going on, because it's only the tip of the iceberg and there's probably a bunch of other shit happening underneath. So, yeah, ice queen, I hate that terminology. Anytime I hear ice queen, I'm thinking someone said this because they want to-
Kenrya: They want something from you that you don't want to give.
Erica: Is ever ice queen, is there ever a, "Well, let's hear it out, okay, it's valid"? Is there ever a time in life?
Kenrya: Not even with Elsa.
Erica: Yeah. I don't understand that movie, but, yeah.
Kenrya: There's lots of people who get that reference.
Erica: My ass. But, yeah, I just feel like it's one of those things where it's like... And never on any world is ice queen ever something where you could be like, okay... Jerk, kids are jerks.
Kenrya: Yes they are.
Erica: All kids are jerks, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Yes, it could be seen-
Erica: ... as a derogatory term. However, no, kids are jerks because that is what they're supposed to do. They come out of the womb and they need to worry about self. They need to be selfish little bastards. It helps them form-
Kenrya: Keeps them alive.
Erica: ... into who they need to be as adults. But, yeah, they're fucking jerks.
Kenrya: Yes. I have to remind myself so often, oh, right, there's this age, every time a kid is a jerk.
Erica: Girl, I'm like, "Oh, yeah." Okay, so her ex spreading rumors, because he was a piece of shit and then felt like he needed to make her look crazy in the world.
Kenrya: I've been there.
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: I said, I've been there.
Erica: Ooh, do tell.
Kenrya: Oh, there's only so much I can say. I'll say this, narcissists like to recreate reality. So if they don't like the way that things have played out, the common theme is that they'll just make up another way that it happened, that puts them in the hero position or the victim position, and makes the person who broke away from their narcissist spell look bad. I have experienced it in a really acute way around retellings of my divorce. I mean the great thing, at least in my case, is by the time that happened, I didn't care.
Kenrya: And of course the best way to deal with a narcissist to pay them dust. So getting upset about a narcissist's the reinvention of the facts it's really pointless, but it is a thing that I have absolutely dealt with. And I kept wanting Riley to get to that point where she didn't give a fuck about the fact that this dude had lied on her. But I could also get having it thrown in your face by reporters and seen-
Kenrya: ... on tabloids, how that would wear on you, regardless of what you knew to be true.
Erica: Yeah. There could be like exes out there telling stories, but-
Kenrya: Nigga, it’s strangers telling stories, remember?
Erica: Oh, yeah.
Kenrya: We haven't shared that.
Erica: That's the only thing that I thought about and I'm was just like, all right, whatever nigga.
Kenrya: Wait, can we share that in a general way?
Erica: So someone that I was involved with called me and said that they overheard someone else, DC is only but so big, and I host a podcast where I talk about my pussy weekly, so that makes it even smaller. So he said he overheard some people talking about us and about me and my previous relationships and how I said certain things about this person, and it was just fucked up. And I was just like... So he approached me about it and I appreciate that he said something, because I'm like, "All right, I'm glad you felt that you could come talk to me about it as opposed to who just being like, 'Ah, that bitch.'"
Kenrya: Staying in it and being upset. Yeah, over some shit-
Kenrya: ... that wasn't even true.
Erica: Exactly. So he asked me about it and I was just like, "No." I was like, I talk about relationships on the show, and niggas like to talk and for all types of and everybody going to put a little sauce on something to make the story go down even better, and even spicier."
Kenrya: Oh, for me, niggas like to lie on their dicks.
Erica: Niggas love to lie on their dicks. So, yeah, it was one of them things. And more than anything, I value the relationship I have with that person. And so it was just kind of like, "Okay, it sucks that this got to you, this lie got to you, but at the same time, I'm glad we were in a place where you could pull me aside and be like, 'Yo, what's good?'" But all that to say-
Kenrya: That sucks that that had to happen.
Erica: ... niggas like to talk.
Kenrya: Whoever you are-
Erica: Fuck you, suck a dick. Well, no, sucking dick is actually kind of-
Kenrya: That's not a punishment.
Erica: Suck a musty dick. That's a punishment.
Kenrya: Taste and smell.
Erica: Yeah. Suck dick. And thinking about what was said, I don't think this person even listens to the show. I think it's more, might have heard a clip here, clip there, start-
Kenrya: That is so weird.
Erica: Yeah. But whatever, again-
Kenrya: It's so very weird.
Erica: ... niggas like to talk and lie on their dicks. And lie on other niggas dicks. Because that was also part of it, it was like they was lying on somebody else's dick, and I'm just like, "Okay." Yeah. Look at all these rumors surrounding me every day.
Kenrya: Oh that's the title of this episode, isn't it?
Erica: Oh, I was going to do “So Icy,” but-
Kenrya: Oh, because they got money-
Erica: And she's the ice queen.
Kenrya: Oh yeah. Okay, yeah. That's it.
Erica: Ooh, these hoes excited, girl you know you like it. I'm so icy. That man was singing out. My chain hangs down to my dick-
Kenrya: With his whole heart.
Erica: ... with his whole, like the depth of his... He was singing for his ancestors, about how his chain hangs down to his dick. So anyway, okay, one of the things that I thought about was, there was a scene in this, and I'm jumping all around, but there was a scene in the story where Riley and Chaz are out and they're like going to get something to eat. And so Chaz is like, "Let's go get some greasy shit." And Riley's like, "Oh, yeah, I like it." And he was like, "You?" And then he was like, wait, yeah, you are a person. I didn't say, "Let's get some crazy shit. Let's-“
Kenrya: It was like pizza.
Erica: Yeah. And he was just like, "I would've never thought you eat pizza. But then, again, you're a person, who doesn't eat pizza?" And I wrote here, we all put on our pants one leg at a time, and then the way that I think about these things, we all shit.
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative), everybody poops, that's what we say in my house.
Erica: Everybody has to poop. Everybody, even Beyoncé sits on a toilet and poops.
Kenrya: Everybody poops. We had a song about it.
Erica: And... You do?
Kenrya: Yeah. I made it up when I was trying to get the kid to start using the potty.
Erica: Oh, okay.
Kenrya: Everybody poops, everybody poops. Yes, it's a classic.
Erica: It's a classic in the household. But, yeah, and so it's one of those things where it's like, okay, no matter how mundane you think your life is, everybody has to do certain mundane tasks, and they got to do it for them self.
Kenrya: Yeah. You can't hire somebody to poop for you.
Erica: Even if you got somebody putting your pants on for you, them motherfuckers go on one leg at a time. You ain't levitating to them bitches. Everybody's shitting. Everybody's going to have a situation where they sitting on toilet sweating, they have shit coming out, right?
Erica: But it also makes me think about, and this kind of goes back to what we touched on in another episode, where you see someone, you're infatuated with someone from a distance and then you see them up close, and you're like-
Kenrya: Oh yeah.
Erica: ... "I don't know about that," right?
Kenrya: Yeah. And the stories we create around people who we don't even know yet, and then the expectations we attach to those, right?
Erica: Yeah. Which, also, I think, we've touched on it before, but someone was like, "When you meet somebody on an app, get the off the app and get in real person as soon as possible." And actually I like that Hinge has this feature now where you can record voice memos. Yeah.
Kenrya: That's cool. Like it's on your profile already, or you can send it after you connect.
Erica: Yeah. No, it's on your profile already.
Kenrya: Oh, okay.
Erica: And I like it because you get an idea of how their voice sounds, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And so, it's actually not bad.
Kenrya: Have you swiped left on anyone because of what their voice sounded like?
Erica: I'm in a weird place right now with like relationships. So I'm not-
Kenrya: You're not swiping.
Erica: ... swiping much, but this one guy, actually, I'm not even going to do it, because he actually seems like a good little... Hold on, let me match with him before I like... How do I fucking... Okay, match with him? Okay. So let me go do a little swiping to see who got... Oh, here's one, oh, how to pronounce my name, nevermind. Dammit.
Kenrya: You can't play it. So-
Erica: Yes I can.
Kenrya: Not on the show, boo.
Erica: They do that on TikTok all the time.
Kenrya: But this is-
Erica: Okay. Anyway, I sure was about to play that shit, but whatever. So yeah, I like it, because you get a sense of their voice, and, yeah, you get a little more feel of them. But I have had situations where I met people, I mean, shit, you and African Santa. Like you meet somebody and you're like, "Oh, this person is cool. All right. All right." And then you meet in person, you're like, "Not so much."
Kenrya: Right, right. But you know I met African Santa in person. It was just-
Erica: No, it was another guy. It was another guy that kind of catfished you.
Kenrya: Twice. I was just talking to my father about that. So I was asking him who he was watching on TV, and he was like, he said, "Oh, I was looking at MTV, but I just switched over to such and such." I was like, "What the fuck do you watch on MTV?" He was like, "I watch what all the young people watch." Just like that, because that's what my daddy sound like. And I was like, "What do you mean?" He's like, "Well, you know that ‘Ridiculous,’ whatever show." And so then we had a whole conversation about how I can't watch that. And then he said, "He also watches ‘Catfish,’" and he was telling me about his favorite episodes. Which one of them, apparently, is a chick who thought she was talking to Bow Wow, but she was not, she was talking to another chick. Oh, fine. [crosstalk 00:28:07]-
Erica: That was early. That was early. That was early, early “Catfish.” That was when Rolling Ray-
Kenrya: I ain't never seen it.
Erica: ... was still on... Rolling Ray, that's how-
Kenrya: Rolling Ray was on-
Erica: He was on “Catfish.” That's how he like-
Kenrya: I didn't know. Somebody posted a video, of a carousel-
Erica: I'm literally getting Zeus Network right now, so that I can watch that show. I love it.
Kenrya: Well, I don't know what this clip was from, but it was very much what you are always doing to show me that it's like Rolling Ray. And I was like, "Oh, this is exactly what Erica's always talking about."
Erica: Yeah. He did this, so there's this show on Zeus, which is like a $3.99 a month subscription network. And it is, if reality TV and Instagram were actual magazines, and you cut them out, and there were like the pages that fall to the floor, like the scraps and little bits and that kind of shit. And you sweep that shit up and make it into a network, that is Zeus.
Erica: I had it when I was recovering from my mastectomy, because-
Kenrya: Oh, that's cool, because y'all were watching-
Erica: We were watching trash. We were watching-
Kenrya: Something with people in a house.
Erica: We were literally mainlining trash. It was like, inject that into my veins. So there's this new show called “The Talk” or “The Conversation” or whatever, and then they take like two reality people and they put them in a room-
Kenrya: I saw the clip.
Erica: ... and they can talk to one another. And so Bobby Lytes and Rolling Ray have one together.
Kenrya: I was like, who the fuck is Bobby Lytes? And why are they beefing so hard?
Erica: Again, again, again, if “Love & Hip Hop” was a magazine, “Love & Hip Hop Miami” is like a page, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And on that page, it's Trick Daddy and Trina and Amara La Negra, and then on the edge of the page, it's like Bobby Lytes. And you're trying to cut out the picture of Trina. So you got to picture of Trina, and then Bobby Lytes falls to the floor, and you're like, you know what?
Kenrya: We going to give him a show.
Erica: We got to sweep some shit up. And then somebody going through like, "Oh, shit, this ain't half bad. Let's make a show."
Erica: And that is it. So, yeah, I'm about to get it. Pay my $2.99, $3.99, so I can get it for the month so that I can watch all the trash they have, niggas I didn't even know was beefing. And the idea is to sit down and talk. It started with Princess and Ray Jay, but now they're like executive producers of the show. So I'm kind like, I thought y'all was divorced, whatever, neither here nor there. So how the fuck did we get here?
Kenrya: Wait, I was talking about talking to my daddy about “Catfish,” catfishing.
Erica: Oh, right.
Kenrya: And so then we started talking about apps and I was explaining to him that it has happened to me, kind of, a couple of times. It was the one nigga whose pictures were 20 years old, at least. And then it was a dude who was probably a couple hundred pounds over what he was in his photo, which was not the issue. The issue with him was the same issue with the old nigga, who was also still attractive.
Erica: You lied.
Kenrya: You lied.
Erica: You fucking lied. It's just that simple.
Kenrya: Just don't lie.
Erica: Yeah. Because I actually might have fucked with you, had you just been honest.
Kenrya: Great guy, except, well, it was the lying and then he ain't have no boundaries with his family, at all. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah. Catfishing, again-
Erica: ... not sure how we got there, but, all right. Okay, question, would you rather have fame or fortune?
Erica: All day. All day.
Kenrya: I mean, I love all y'all, but I don't need-
Erica: I don't need y'all.
Kenrya: ... to be known.
Erica: I mean-
Kenrya: I don't need-
Erica: ... yes, I do need y'all, but, you know?
Kenrya: Yeah. But I'm not interested in people interrupting me while I eat or talking to me in general. And that doesn't mean if y'all see me, you shouldn't say hello, as long as you have on a mask and you stay far away. But it does mean that if I had to choose, I would rather have money.
Kenrya: Hands down.
Erica: I'd love to be anonymous and rich.
Kenrya: I was on Twitter last week, some white dude like filmed himself finding out that he won a million dollars in a lottery.
Erica: Fuck that.
Kenrya: And somebody was like, "When I tell you that this would never happen when Black people."
Erica: Never. Never. My family would-
Kenrya: Y'all would never know.
Erica: ... just getting money.
Kenrya: You would just be getting money and not know where the fuck he was getting money from.
Erica: And don't ask questions, it's legal.
Kenrya: Exactly. That's it. That's all you need to know.
Erica: And the people that fucks with me, going to know to shut the fuck up. She said it's legal, all right.
Erica: ... that.
Kenrya: Yeah. It's no, no, mm-hmm (negative), no contest.
Erica: Okay. So there was a scene where Riley started, no, Chaz came to Riley's house and saw what looked like a paperweight.
Kenrya: Yeah. On the mantle or some shit.
Erica: It was a crystal dildo.
Kenrya: It was.
Erica: And it's so interesting, because I believe in all that shit, I believe in sex magic, I believe in crystals, all that shit. And so I was like, "Ooh, she's crystal pussy Twitter."
Kenrya: I knew you were going to say that, when I read it.
Erica: Crystal pussy Twitter. Yeah. But I think that that's really interesting, because I don't know if it's maybe just because of the space that I am in personally or if this is just happening more, but I feel like more people are leaning into non-traditional Christian, not nontraditional, non-Christian spirituality. And recognizing that this shit is a mosaic, mosaic, mosaic of energy and spirits and different forces and that kind of thing. And so I thought that was really dope that she mentioned it. And then she was like, "I use it to meditate." He was like, "Meditate?"
Kenrya: I thought it was dope, especially, and they don't talk about religion at all, but to your point, that folks are realizing that it doesn't have to be an either or proposition. You can pray to God and you can thank Jesus, and you can have crystals charging on your window sill.
Erica: Because let's be for real, let's remember that the Bible was written by somebody, and so they was quick to... because look, let tell you, when I'm writing the story of my life, some shit going to get left on the table or left on in the trash.
Kenrya: That don't fit the narrative. Exactly.
Erica: It don't fit the narrative that I'm selling. And crystals and all that work, it just didn't fit the narrative that these white dudes that was building the Bible felt like it needed to. So I thought that was really dope. And I actually have done meditations, masturbation with like intentions and that kind of thing. Because they say it's like power and all this shit. I could probably explain it a little better if my brain was working, which it is not right now.
Erica: But, yeah, there's power in having orgasms and putting that sexual energy towards manifesting certain things you want in your life. And I think it's really interesting, once you start looking at it, because again, you can't tell me that the moon don't affect us. When the moon can fucking pull bodies of water to high and low tide, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: You're thinking I'm just walking around here impenetrable from the moon and it's energy, me thinks not. Methinks not. So yeah, I actually really liked it. And because she was just a regular ass, not regular, but she was just a chick that was really successful in business, and this was another tool in her arsenal to make sure that she was living and feeling good.
Kenrya: Well, and she also talked about something that I think does make her a regular chick. She was saying, when she told him what she did it for, she left out a couple of things and one of them was confidence. And there was a lot of her inner kind of monologue about how she had really suffered from low self-esteem for years. And she finally came to her own, but she still has imposter syndrome. She still suffers from a lack of confidence in a lot of ways. And so the facade that she puts up is that she's always trying to project that, but that this is one of the practices that she use is in order to attract that to herself.
Erica: Whew. So one of the things that I'm working on right now, actually, I'll be doing it later today, with my business, I have a business coach. And one of her things that she presses on us to do, I mean, we're working on how to close a sale, how to sell yourself, how to properly market your product and explain what you do, and do niggas really need to know what the fuck you do? They just want to know what the results they're going to get, that kind of stuff. One of the things that she presses upon us is to brag on yourself, post, talk about your shit, that kind of thing. It is so difficult for me to do this shit.
Kenrya: You just did a really nice post on LinkedIn. I was like, "Look at you, tooting your horn."
Erica: Because I have to, I have to, and I hate it. Hate it. And I probably would've gotten out of doing it, but someone else was in the room while I was doing the coaching call, and they heard me commit to doing this.
Kenrya: And held your ass accountable.
Erica: And so they hit me up like, where's your post today? So something else that I had to commit to was going live. I hate that shit. I struggle with it for fucking-
Kenrya: For the show.
Erica: ... The Turn On podcast, which is something I love and adore, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And I mean, I love what I'm doing, but, yeah, it is... I am trying. I am trying.
Kenrya: So I will say this, when I'm in book promotion season, like when I have a project to promote, you know how much I hate that shit. I'm doing podcasts. I'm doing book events. I'm doing whatever. One thing that I realized during my last book tour, which was a year ago, was that you have to find the ways of doing that that feel good to you. So expanding your platform, yes, but finding the ways to do it that feel good, and drawing boundaries around the ways that don't.
Kenrya: And so I know for me, some of the things that folks were pushing me to do, literally, would push me to anxiety attack, like doing live, not even just live TV, but doing the live TV sucks, but also doing taped segments for like national TV. That kind of shit, pushes me to panic attack state. And after a couple of times of doing that in that last cycle, I just was like, "You know what, I'm not doing this anymore. It's off the table." Because it wasn't worth how shitty it made me feel, for whatever boost we thought it was going to give. And so just want to encourage you to do some thinking around what feels good in your body.
Erica: Yeah. And that's what I'm doing. Like I said, I got to go live, and I'm going live on Facebook in that particular group, so it's not like I'm going live broadcasting to the masses. And it's more, right now, just for me to see if this is something that I'm comfortable with. I don't want to give anything a no, until I say like, "Okay, I've honestly tried it."
Erica: But like my LinkedIn post yesterday, I can do more of those, right? Because it was-
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: ... yeah, it happened. And so, yeah, I'm trying to figure out what works best for me and also what works best for my industry. Because I do recognize that some of the stuff, I'm like, "These people don't give a fuck about this." And, again, it's a great program, because she was like, "Okay, so let's sit down and figure what works for you." So she's super committed to tailoring everything to your particular situation.
Erica: But, yeah, I committed to it because it was... And look, let me not even act like I got to go live for a long time, three minutes max.
Kenrya: It don't matter, it's still a thing that you have to do. And that gives you time, like you said, you get to feel how that feels.
Erica: Yeah. So, actually, I'm going to do that when I finish this up. But yeah, the confidence thing is just, oh. And it's funny, because I do this all the time and I have no problem doing it.
Kenrya: Because you have control, is what I came to realize. I'm like, none of this is... I'm never nervous before we do anything with the show, because-.
Erica: Because we can edit that shit out.
Kenrya: ... we control that shit. Yeah. I'm literally sitting here-
Erica: 7:35 mark, I'm cutting that shit out. Yeah, mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kenrya: Right. My finger's on the fucking button, so I don't care. But that's the other part of it too, what I realized was that, so say going on podcasts, I realized that there were some shows that I felt more anxiety about than others. It's because they are people who I didn't really want to talk to or I didn't really trust their audiences or whatever. And so I just stopped doing those shits. I'm no longer doing interviews where white people are asking me to explain things.
Kenrya: I don't like them. I don't trust how they're going to use my information and clips of me after, so I just don't do them anymore.
Erica: Yeah. No, I totally dig it. It's so wild, because like you think about, you hit the nail on the head, you see people and you're like, "Oh my goodness. They're so amazing. They have it all. They have all the confidence." And you're like, mm-hmm (negative). One good conversation, they're like, "No, this shit... It scares me too, but I do it."
Erica: Okay, oh meditation. I can't meditate.
Erica: I mean, yeah, it's hard for... I have to be very like incremental in my meditation. I can't just sit and meditate for like minutes and hours, no. I'm like, "30 seconds, we are going to visualize an apple. You made it to 30. Okay. Let's do another 15." I-
Kenrya: I think that's a good approach though.
Erica: Yeah. Just biting off what you can, I guess, right?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. I struggle with meditating on my own, I prefer guided meditation. It helps me to stay more in the present moment than if I'm just on my own. Also, I'm finding, because of my autonomic dysfunction, I have trouble bringing my body to a calm state, oftentimes. Particularly, when I lie down in the middle of the day, either I fall right asleep, which is most of the time. But then there are some times where I have to lay down, because my body can't be upright anymore. But it's like it's on coffee, so-
Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative), everything's buzzing.
Kenrya: ... everything is... mm-hmm (affirmative). And so, whereas I used to use those opportunities to meditate, which often is a prayer for me, I have a lot of trouble being able to calm my heart rate down enough, my breathing down enough to be able to really get into that space.
Kenrya: And so what I find sometimes helps is just listening to super calming music or there's this song that was crafted specific for like folks with anxiety, and I mean, it helps with that, but also I find that it helps with this parasympathetic-sympathetic issue that I have. It's called “Weightless.” And there's a 10-hour long version of it, but there's also a short... So I'll just put that on and let it go. I use it when I'm at acupuncture trying to calm down on the table or when I'm in the middle of the day, and we can link to that. And it's like scientifically backed to help people calm down.
Kenrya: And I hum, which can activate your vagus nerve and kind of soothe you down a bit. And I find that that can help me to fall closer into a meditative state, when I'm struggling to calm down enough to do it. So maybe one of those will help.
Erica: When I was on my 40th birthday vacation, I was at this resort and there was this area, it was the weirdest little space to even sit at, but I found myself sitting out there listening to books on tape. And I just happened to take a picture of it. And that seat, that space is where I always take myself back to when I have to calm down.
Erica: Because one of the things I'm dealing with is blood pressure, my blood pressure, it's not high, it's elevated. And so I've talked to my doctor about it and I was like, "I don't know." And she's like, "We don't need to put you on medicine, because it's not so high. If you're on medicine, it's going to take it too low." So whenever I go in, I sit there, close my eyes, and I'm sitting right there, back at that resort, looking out over this fountain, ocean in the background. I see the tree. I feel the breeze, that kind of thing. So yeah-
Kenrya: I love that.
Erica: ... I need more of those vacations. I need more.
Kenrya: You have something to draw on.
Erica: Yeah, I need more to draw on, but, yeah.
Kenrya: Also, though, has she told you to see a cardiologist yet?
Erica: No. Should I be-
Kenrya: No, I'm not saying that because you should be concerned, I'm saying because there are some tools that can help with just a slight drop. So I take a beta blocker, not because my blood pressure is high, but because I have heart palpitations. But the effect is the same, it brings your blood pressure down slightly, and there's no side effects like a low dose.
Erica: Girl I'm on so many fucking the drugs right now, but-
Kenrya: Listen, I understand.
Erica: I was, you know how they tell you to bring in a list your medicines and stuff? I literally had to like lay them all out on the bed and just take like this picture. I was-
Kenrya: I take pictures. Yes.
Erica: ... this is-
Kenrya: Me too.
Erica: ... what I take, because writing shit... Yeah.
Kenrya: Ooh, I just downloaded an app that somebody mentioned like a Twitter thread for organizing, because I also have trouble with my morning and evening meds I'm great about taking, but my middle of the day, sometimes I forget. And then I can set an alarm, but then I don't remember what the alarm was for when it goes off. So it just don't have happen. But it's also a good resource for being like, "Here this is what I take, just look at my phone. Here are the dosages. This is..." Yeah, so I'll send that to you. It's also occurring to me and this is a little off topic, but I think I should, I said before that, when I figured out what I had, that I would share and I haven't done that. But we've talked around it, but I haven't actually-
Erica: A lot.
Kenrya: ... said it. So, hey folks, I have something called myalgic encephalomyelitis, which is commonly referred to as chronic fatigue syndrome. But I, and most people who have it, really actually hate that term, because it makes it sound like you just fucking tired and that ain't it. But so it basically means, my analogy is that, you know how old iPhones the batteries all fucked up my body, isn't old an iPhone. It never really charges above 50%, and it doesn't hold a charge. And so I am usually operating on fucking fumes. But beyond that, I also have trouble sitting up for very long, because I have something called POTS, it's orthostatic intolerance, so it basically means my body wants to lay down.
Kenrya: Blood does not do a very good job moving around my body. It doesn't reach my brain the way that it should, which means that I am often dizzy and nauseated and I have brain fog, which makes it hard for me to remember things. I can't stand for very long, so cooking and standing up to put on lotion, standing up to brush my teeth, all of those things that I used to do without thinking, I literally cannot do anymore. Or if I do, then I end up with something called a crash, which is like the huge thing in this condition, where if you push yourself, and when I say push myself, I mean, stand up too fast or try to talk while come up the stairs, I can put myself into a crash state where I can't physically wake up, and get up for 24 or 48 hours.
Kenrya: It fucking sucks, I am slowly finding doctors and resources and support groups and all of that kind of shit. But a lot of it has just been coming, figuring out what it means to be me with a new set of abilities. So that's that, that's what's happening, but I'm all right.
Erica: So let me tell y'all now, motherfuckers, I've said many a times that Kenrya is the one that keeps this shit operating regularly, and I am trying my best, will try my best to respect my co-host’s wishes. If some shit start going spotty, y'all mind y'all business, and know we'll be back. Okay. Thank you. Please and thank you.
Erica: But, yeah, so I'm just happy that we have a diagnosis. We know what we're dealing with. We know what monster we're fighting, but now, for me, the thing is, how do we fight this monster? How do we make sure that you are happy and healthy and doing well, and giving you the support you need? So I tell you this shit all the time. I ain't going to start crying, so-
Kenrya: No, no, no, we all right.
Erica: Okay. Okay. Last thing, one of the things you sent, because we sent notes to each other about books and stuff, one of the things that Kenrya sent was, what we learn from our parents. Did you say about love or just [crosstalk 00:53:47]- oh,
Kenrya: Uh, I mean, I think I was thinking about love, but, yeah, either way.
Erica: Yeah. So what's one thing that stands out to you that you learned from either of your parents about love?
Kenrya: Ooh, oh, God. Okay, I won't identify which parent. One of my parents taught me that it is better to get along than to advocate for yourself.
Erica: I know which parent that was.
Kenrya: Yeah. And that conflict is inherently confrontational, and so you should avoid it at all costs. I had to learn that that was bullshit the hard way. Now I can't go back.
Erica: So my mother's passed away, so I feel like I can share a little bit more. So my mother and my father met when my mother was super young, not super young, but she was pretty green when she met my dad, and he died very shortly into their marriage. She was able to produce four little children and then he passed away. And one of the things I remember my mom told me, and it stuck with me and it stuck with me for a very long time, mom was like, "I love your dad too much, and so God took him away from me." She was like, "I love him more than God, and so God got jealous and took him away from me." Maybe not those words, but kind of those words.
Kenrya: But essentially that. Oh, my God.
Erica: And that, I didn't even realize how hard it like stuck with me until I was in therapy. And I remember I said that to our therapist, and she was like, "What?" And I lived with that shit for a really long time. And I think it affected how I went into relationships and how I loved. And I always looked at love as a temporary thing as a... I mean on one hand, yes, life can change, we literally just talked about this shit, life can change on a dime. People could be here and not. But it was less of a take advantage of the world, while it's here, and more of a don't get attached to these niggas, because they about to leave kind of thing.
Erica: So, yeah, lots of therapy and a bitch made it through, but it also makes me very careful about how... because I mean, if my mom was here and I told her, she said that she might not even remember it.
Kenrya: When I tell you that every time I have told my parents about some fucked up shit they said to me, "Oh, what?" They never say, well, no, sometimes they say they didn't say that, but most of the time, "I don't remember saying that."
Erica: Yeah. And so it makes me try to be more conscientious about what I say around my kid. But, also, it also makes me realize that he going to have his interpretation of shit. He's going to have his interpretation of shit. So all I can do is make sure that he has the tools and resources in place, so that when he has his interpretation, be it correct, factual or not, he's able to deal with da, da, da, da, that comes from it.
Kenrya: I mean, yes, sure. But that's not all you can do. You can also do the first thing that you said, which is being really intentional about the shit that you say to him and that you say around him.
Erica: Oh, definitely, definitely. But I mean, I-
Kenrya: I'm thinking those two things go hand in hand.
Erica: I was talking to a homeboy and he was telling me how his son had said some shit, and he was like, "I had to look at this nigga, like, ‘No, nigga, that's not how you were brought up.’" It was on some struggle shit, like, “I had a struggle.” And his daddy was like, "No, nigga, and I can show you pictures of what you said you didn't have."
Kenrya: You never went to bed hungry.
Erica: Yeah. "I ain't never been to Disney World. My parents ain't never take me on vacation." He's like, "Nigga, three, six, nine, these are pictures from you holding Mickey Mouse's hand." So that's what I mean.
Erica: And there will be things that he going just flat out be like, "You did this," and I might have to be like, "Did I?" Or I mean like if I hit on some like I'll remember doing it, I'll definitely be like, "I don't remember doing that-
Kenrya: “But that don't mean I didn't.”
Erica: ... but I apologize." Right?
Kenrya: Yeah, mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: But, yeah.
Kenrya: Which is powerful, and I don't think enough people finish that sentence that way.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. Because it's perception, right?
Kenrya: Intent and impact. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah. Yeah. So, whew, girl, going through this as a parent, I mean, going through raising a kid really makes you dig up the shit you were subjected to as a child.
Kenrya: Yes. For better or for worse.
Erica: This kind of reminds me of what Jacqueline said when we were interviewing her, when she was talking about caring for her mother, she was like, "This is just reflective of the shit she put me through." I mean, and she's a caring caregiver. She cares for her mother very well. And it's just like, that shit going to come back around. And sometimes it ain't so pretty when you receiving the same shit you dished out. You know?
Kenrya: Yeah. No, shit.
Erica: Yeah. So, but, okay. That's all I got. You got anything, boo?
Kenrya: Nah, I think that's it. I mean, I guess just that it was interesting being in this space with these people who have so much fucking money.
Erica: Yeah. They're like, “Just take my car.”
Kenrya: Right. You got a-
Erica: And not like-
Kenrya: ... driver, who like-
Erica: ... borrow my beater, my Honda Civic to like run around the corner. No, this is-
Kenrya: "My driver will take you home."
Erica: Exactly. A real car with a driver, not a fucking beater.
Kenrya: Right. Like, "I have a two-story penthouse with floor to ceiling windows and views of Manhattan." And that shit was wild. It was an interesting.. I'm like, oh, I don't know this life. They very casually-
Erica: An interesting peek behind the curtain.
Kenrya: Yeah, for sure. Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: Well, all right, that's all I got. You got anything else for us?
Kenrya: Nope. That's it.
Erica: Alrighty. So we will be back with our segment,
Kenrya: What's turning us on.
Erica: You got to just say it again. Just say it.
Kenrya: Oh, okay. What's turning us on?
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Erica: Okay. Y'all so we are back with what's turning us on. And one of the things we talk about a lot when we're just talking about sex and fucking, is that a lot of times people are hesitant to share their desires and kinks and all of that with their partner, for fear of being judged or looked at as creepy and freaky, and that kind of shit.
Erica: I got to tell you a story, when this is over. So-
Kenrya: Oh, okay.
Erica: ... I found this website, it is called, We Should Try It and it's at WeShouldTryIt.com. And it's an online questionnaire for couples, so what you do, partner one, they log on, I mean, they go to the website, so you both do it on the same device. So partner one goes to the device and there's a list of question, and it's like, do you want to do bondage? Do you want to try anal? Do you want to try edging? Let's try this. Let's try this. And you list what you're interested in exploring. Hand your laptop to your partner, and they do the same thing. And then it spits out a report, and the report shows what the both of you have in common. So you can be comfortable to say, "Hey, I really want to try water sports," without your partner being like, "Ew," because your partner might want to try it.
Erica: And then y'all look at each other and be like, "Did we become best friends?" Or it don't show up on their part, and you're like, "I wasn't that interested anyway." So I think it's a really dope website. I think it'll allow couples to kind of get a little bit more open and understanding about new things.
Kenrya: That's what a pearl necklace is, I thought that was something else. Sorry. I'm like-
Erica: You didn't know what a pearl necklace is?
Kenrya: I thought it was something else.
Erica: What did you think it was?
Kenrya: Like sucker bites.
Erica: No, it's when they skeet on your chest. Because there was an episode of Sex in the City, where Samantha was like, "I got a pearl necklace on a private plane."
Kenrya: Nigga, did not know what that meant. I thought it was like a bunch of sucker bites, I never knew what it meant.
Erica: Anyway, but anyway.
Kenrya: Okay, I ain't... No comment.
Erica: I've been gifted a few pearl necklaces in my life.
Kenrya: I'm like, didn't even know it. Didn't even know it.
Erica: So, yeah, WeShouldTryIt.com give it a try. It's cute. It's fun.
Kenrya: It is cute.
Erica: I feel like it's a great activity for couples.
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, I would, of course argue that if you can't have these conversations with somebody, then maybe you should not be having sex with them.
Erica: But, also, there are-
Erica: ... things here that you might not have thought of.
Kenrya: And that's what I was about to say. It could spark some cool ideas. I'm like, "Oh my partner and I could do this." Because this shit would be fun just to like go through it and see, "Oh, we never did that before." So I think it'd be fun in that respect, too, so I'm actually looking forward to using it. It'll be cute.
Erica: Yep. So, all right, that's it. This is your two favorite hoe hosts, Erica and Killa, two hoes making it clap.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now in your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast, so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex-and related questions.
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.