Quickie 22 | Storytime: Dry Humping

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SHOW NOTES
In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya talk about the virtues of our good friend dry humping and share their experiences past and present-ish.

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TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here... Get off.

[theme music]

Erica: Welcome to this week’s episode of The Turn On. We are going to switch it up and give you all a quickie. I love quickies because that means I don't have to read or prepare shit. I love our stories, but sometimes a bitch be lazy than a mug.

Kenrya: But also quickies are fun too.

Erica: They are fun.

Kenrya: Everything doesn't have to be long and drawn out.

Erica: Yes they are. Look at you, doing the double entendre.

Kenrya: Double entendre.

Erica: Double entendre. Entendre! Entendre! Did you ever watch Jackie Washington?

Kenrya: I did. Yes, I did it while organizing in my office. I just put it on a computer and sat down and watched it while I cleaned. It was awesome.

Erica: Entendre! Entendre! I love it. And being that I'm from St. Louis, it gives me the feels because my mother definitely reminds me of Jenifer Lewis.

Kenrya: Yeah. Mm-hmm (affirmative). So, yeah.

Erica: Okay. So today we're dedicating this episode to who? Our good homeboy. Our good homeboy who? Your good homeboy you forgot about once you started fucking. Our good friend, DH, dry humping.

Kenrya: Yes.

Erica: We've said this before. Once we started doing it, we gave up on dry humping and sometimes a good dry hump is like... I can't think of when I've done it as an adult, because-

Kenrya: Oh, I have a story.

Erica: Give me that dick! But yeah. Well tell me your dry humping story.

Kenrya: No, let's go back to the beginning, the origins, of dry humping.

Erica: That's us being teleported. We're like whisked away. Okay. I picture this Sicily-

Kenrya: Right.

Erica: ... St. Louis and Cleveland, 1990 something.

Kenrya: ’90 something.

Erica: Yeah. 1990 something. Yeah so you go first.

Kenrya: I'll go first. So, I don't know if y'all used to play this game, but we had little game in Cleveland called Hide and Go Get It.

Erica: Hide and Go Freak. That's what y'all called it, Hide and Go Freak? Okay.

Kenrya: And so we use to play it, my sister and I had these friends that lived around the corner and they had older brothers. And so, and they were probably only a couple of years older than us.

Erica: But in your mind, they were grown ass men.

Kenrya: Which eww, but yeah. We used to go and play it. It was one particular house where we always fucking play and we would go down there and they would turn off all the lights and you had a certain amount of time to find a hiding spot. And then all the girls were hiding... It was like three different families that were all there. It was us, it was the people who lived there and then we had another friend who lived up the street and all of those houses had a bunch of kids. And so we would all play at this house. And so for me, I wasn't related to anybody there, but I know the challenge for a lot of them was to not get found by their cousin.

Erica: Find their cousin.

Kenrya: Exactly. But so, the name of the game was to try to get found by the nigga that wanted to find you.

Erica: Oh no, oh no, I fell behind the couch. Oh no.

Kenrya: Yes. So you had to hide, but not hide too well. And then it was pitch black, so you really didn't know what was going to happen. But most of what happened, was a lot of dry humping.

Erica: A lot of dry...

Kenrya: Lot of dry humping.

Erica: Oh my goodness. So I was thinking of a more recent story, but okay. So bam, boom St. Louis folks. Okay. First let's talk about the problem with little kids dry humping.

Kenrya: Yeah, it's problematic. But at least we weren't. I mean-

Erica: I wasn't even talking about like the sexual aspect.

Kenrya: Oh okay.

Erica: I was talking about the-

Kenrya: Weren't doing anything like that wasn't-

Erica: Oh shit, I forgot on my finger. Okay, so anyways.

Kenrya: We weren't doing any of that. It was literally, we were in an age when we were coming into our bodies and learning that it felt good when you rubbed up against them. But no one was doing anything that could either be classified as assault or sex.

Erica: I was talking about is problematic because little kids don't clean themselves properly. Not that they don't clean themselves, but them showers be mad questionable. I was about to tell a story about my son, but I don't need to because... Anyway, nonetheless, they weren't cleaning the best and nine times out of ten, you playing hide and go get it in the summertime.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Everybody been outside all day smelling like outside and suck up some good AC and dry hump behind somebody grandmama rocking chair or next to the deep freezer.

Kenrya: We had fun though.

Erica: Okay, so for me, St. Louis folks, bam boom, okay. Like in most Midwestern cities, roller skating is a thing. Everybody goes roller skating.

Kenrya: Saturdays and Sundays for us.

Erica: In St. Louis, you go to the Palace. Well, you used to, you would go to the Palace on a Friday night and the Palace used to... So it was a skating rink, I think it used to be... Now you're going to have me down a Google rabbit hole.

Erica: Anybody from St. Louis, if y'all listening, shout us out, let me know what y'all know about this. But the palace used to be in a toys... It was one of those big box toys stores. So not quite a Toys ‘R’ Us, but it was a big building. And it looked like a fucking castle.

Kenrya: Like Children's Palace?

Erica: Yeah. Is that a-

Kenrya: It used to be Children's Palace. Children's Palace was a toy store.

Erica: Hold on. I'm about to-

Kenrya: Because we had them when we were kids and it was like a Panda with a red balloon or something, I'm seeing in my head.

Erica: Children's Palace... See, Google tells me Children's Place, I need Children's-

Kenrya: There was definitely a Children's Palace.

Erica: Palace.

Kenrya: It was a toy store.

Erica: Child World, a toy store company which operated a chain of stores titled Children's Palace. They have a Children's Palace in... Yep! Yep!

Kenrya: That's it?

Erica: Yep! Yep! Yep! Yep! It went defunct in 1992.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: And I'm looking at the logo... So if you Google it, it's Child World Inc. But it's Child World Children's Palace. So it used to be a big ass store and it looked... It was like this big ass box store and it had red and white, it looked like a fucking castle.

Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative) Yep, I remember. Oh, I see it right here. Yep.

Erica: So-They had Peter Panda. So they shut down that and they turned it into a skating rink.

Kenrya: Oh shit.

Erica: So it had a big ass skating rink, but it also had the dance room.

Kenrya: That sound like a champagne room, bitch what? Nobody went skating.

Erica: Nobody went skating. Nobody ever went skating. I will say, I got some of my best dry humping in, at the Palace and at a YMCA/church lock-in.

Kenrya: Yeah, I feel like that's always the thing.

Erica: You're going to learn about the Lord. Uh-huh (affirmative) yeah, uh-huh (affirmative).

Kenrya: When the council going to sleep?

Erica: When we going to bed? So yeah. As a kid, we get so hype on Friday nights to go to the Palace. And now that I'm a parent, I can't stop thinking about what my mom and aunts and family would think when they were dropping our young... Because we were the age of my son now. I don't think it was sixth grade, but it was definitely seventh and eighth grade.

Kenrya: Middle school.

Erica: And we would go on Friday nights and you get dropped off and you want your cousin or your auntie with the best car to drop you off. And we would go and baby, it was... We were just little dirty kids and this was when Menace II Society came out and so would dry hump to "Top of the World."

Kenrya: Top of the world…. [singing]

Erica: Hey boom, boom. Yeah. So we would like, you and I should get together real, real soon. I want to take you somewhere. And if you don't mind the thought of you and I alone. I think you'd enjoy, sit back, relax, let down your hair. [singing]

Kenrya: This bitch remembers all the words.

Erica: I want to take you to the top. Sorry. Okay. You got it. Once you get in the-

Kenrya: Get back into the moment. Yeah.

Erica: You got to stay. Anyway, so yeah. I definitely just can't fuck with, I mean, not can't. I definitely did fuck with lots of dry humping, thankfully to lock-ins and roller-skating rinks. And on one hand, as a parent now, if my son was like, "Hey, let's go drop me off at a roller-skating rink lock-in." I'd be like, "Nah, them little dirty kids over there, dry humping." But then again, as a parent, you're just kind of like...

Kenrya: No, no, I'm sorry. The answer is still no. They would have to get a little older for me to be okay with that.

Erica: I think there is a, there has to be a level of... So all I have to say, I don't want to say this and get my kid taken from me, but I do think that there is learning within play...

Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Erica: You know? And so I don't want to...

Kenrya: Take away the exploratory aspect of...

Erica: I want him to go through the exploratory aspect of sex and sexuality, but I don't need him fucking at 12. Does that make sense?

Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Erica: And I'm afraid that in these day and times it gets to fucking at 12.

Kenrya: Right. Where for us it took a little longer, at least a little bit, just sometimes.

Erica: Just a smidge more but it took a little bit. And looking back, I probably should have waited, but anyway, so that was one of my dry humping situations at the roller-skating rink and lock-ins, and then speed up just a few years more by this time I was in high school wasn't yet having sex, but I remember I had this little boyfriend?

Kenrya: I'm trying to.

Erica: I was in high school, I had this little boyfriend. We weren't yet having sex, but I remember we would always go over to... You know how there is a house, where their mama just don't give a fuck.

Kenrya: Don't be there.

Erica: Yep, don't be there and don't... My mama wasn't at home, but she was like, "You ain't going to have people in and out of my house." The neighbors would know, so we couldn't just do that shit. This mama didn't give a fuck. So I remember me and my cousin, I would go stay at my cousin's house. She went to the same high school, but she lived in these apartment complexes near the fun apartment complex where everybody lived. So we went over there and I had a little boyfriend and we all sat around watching Higher Learning on VHS. And we went in the bathroom and we was like dry humping, and I was getting fingered, all that stuff. So it's fucked up because every time I hear that song, "Ask of You."

Kenrya: Yeah, "Ask of you" uh-huh (affirmative).

Erica: I think about dry humping in a bathroom in Victorian Village.

Kenrya: Wow. All right.

Erica: So specific.

Kenrya: It's a beautiful song.

Erica: I know. And I'm some little funky kid, get my rocks off, but, you know, dry humping. You and a homie. It worked, there were no pregnancy risks.

Kenrya: I was about to say, we ain't got to worry about coming up pregnant or no shit.

Erica: Yeah. It satisfied my needs.

Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, I remember my first, for real, intentional-

Erica: Let me put on my Lovespell.

Kenrya: Bitch, that was my scent. That good old purple Lovespell. My first serious boyfriend, he lived... So in Cleveland everything is across town. So he lived across, about 30 minutes away from me. He was my cousin's friend and she hooked us up and we were together for, I don't know, maybe a year or two, but we didn't see each other until several months in because...

Erica: Yeah.

Kenrya: But I did come to find out later that my cousin had showed him a picture of me, but I had never seen this nigga before I met him in person months in, but anyway.

Erica: And also remember... Because I had a boyfriend like that too.

Kenrya: Did you?

Erica: In the sixth grade. We dated, air quotes, for years and we saw each other like twice.

Kenrya: Yep.

Erica: But we were phone boning nonstop.

Kenrya: We would talk on the phone... Constant fucking'ly.

Erica: But you can, let's Zoom, Zap, Zell-

Kenrya: Because we have all of the technology, but we didn't have none of that shit back then. We had a phone with a cord.

Erica: Yeah. He would call... If I wasn't at home, he called me at my granny's house. It was like that. Also me and him are really good friends to this day.

Kenrya: Aww that's cute.

Erica: He sends me Facebook DM's to tell me he's praying for me. He's got a whole bunch of little girls. He's just the sweetest guy.

Kenrya: See, last I heard of this dude I'm going to tell this story about, he shot somebody in a parking lot, but he was protecting his sister so... That's all I know of the story. My sister told me bits and pieces, it was my Cleveland connect.

Erica: Because your sister and my sister are the same. My sister will call me like, "Girl, you remember so-and-so you was dating him. ’Cause I remember he drove X, Y, and Z." And I'm like, girl don't be-

Kenrya: Half of the time I don't even be knowing who the fuck she be talking about.

Erica: I do only because my sister will bring up every receipt, every picture, "Remember you said X, Y, and Z, but y'all really went to tech-" Bitch-

Kenrya: Yes girl.

Erica: Shut up. Okay.

Kenrya: But so me and this dude on our, I think maybe it was our second meeting, I came over when his mama and all his siblings were gone, which was no small feat because it was five of them. And we just dry humped on the couch for like an hour.

Erica: I'd rather dry hump for an hour than fuck for an hour.

Kenrya: Yeah. No music-

Erica: Damn y'all...

Kenrya: Because we had to be able to hear if somebody came home. So we were just-

Erica: I'm sorry.

Kenrya: Only couch, breath sounds, clothes rustling sounds for a solid hour and it was the highlight of my young sexual life.

Erica: I love it.

Kenrya: Thank you, dry humping.

Erica: Thank you, our good friend dry humping. Okay. Well that wraps up this week's-

Kenrya: Mm-mm (negative).

Erica: Oh.

Kenrya: So-

Erica: Shit we still got more. Wait, we do.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Okay, I'm sorry.

Kenrya: It's okay. So fast forward to being an adult and I have seen our good friend, dry humping, abused, I shall say. So-

Erica: Wait, what?

Kenrya: There's this nigga, who-

Erica: Can you write on a sheet of paper and hold it up so I can see what you're talking about?

Kenrya: Who it is?

Erica: Yeah.

Kenrya: Yes.

Erica: Tell me, and then I'll cut it out.

Kenrya: So there's nigga that I'm not even really messing with, that's a whole long story, but we'll just say that's back when I was attracted to talent. When that was a thing. And we ended up, I don't know. I think I had been out. So, there's those times, especially when you in your twenties, when you out with the girls and then you drunk and then you texting, so you can figure out where you going to be that's not at home.

Erica: In your twenties? You mean also thirties and forties.

Kenrya: I was married well into my thirties, but yes.

Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative)

Kenrya: And, so one of those nights I ended up at this dude's house and we had just been flirting and stuff. We had never really done anything, just some intimate conversations and so-

Erica: By intimate conversations, do you mean sexting or phone sex or was it just like, "I'm going to show you the depths of my soul."

Kenrya: It was that because he is a poet.

Erica: Oh okay, because me, when I say intimate conversation, it's like, we ain't fuck yet but you might've seen my pussy texted it to you.

Kenrya: Yeah. No, you know that ain't me. And this was back before shit... I don't even think picture phones were like a common thing.

Erica: You might've had your Nextel.

Kenrya: I think I did have-

Erica: Y'all Kenrya had a Nextel for like 20 years.

Kenrya: Okay. I didn't have the bar Nextel. I had to joint that you slid the screen up on, I think by that time, but you couldn't take pictures with that, they was grainy as fuck.

Erica: Yeah, uh-huh (affirmative).

Kenrya: It's like-

Erica: Whatever, that is a human figure.

Kenrya: And so I get there and there's candles leading from the door to the, whatever the fuck. It was pretty. But so then-

Erica: Wait, he did all that shit to dry hump?

Kenrya: Yes, bitch. So we starting and it's foreplay, but it's pretty dry humpy. And I'm like, "Okay, this is cool." Now mind you, I was probably maybe 26, I think was about 26. And he was, I don't know, probably in his early thirties, so okay. So there's dry humping and then there's... So there's this movie where they talk about fake chow. Do you ever-

Erica: Fake chow?

Kenrya: So fake chow is that thing where you pretend to eat somebody out.

Erica: I've never heard of fake chow.

Kenrya: It was like a whole bunch of fingers and kissing, but there was no actual eating. I was like, "What is this nigga doing?"

Erica: Wait, but does his face get in your pussy, does his face get wet with your pussy?

Kenrya: [crosstalk 00:19:38] I don't think so. Again, it's dark except for candles. This is an interesting story.

Erica: Wait, wait, wait.

Kenrya: When I get to the punchline, you're going to be like, "Oh..."

Erica: So fake chow...

Kenrya: Fake chow, I realized later when I watched this, some fucking movie, and they were like, " So you gave her a fake chow?" And I was like, "Oh, that's what he did."

Erica: Oh my God. Like, I'd like to... Look, I need to see the tongue hit the clit.

Kenrya: It was so dark and there were just candles.

Erica: Oh my God, I'm sorry, keep going.

Kenrya: Literally, he had the door cracked when I got there and then a line of candles to the bedroom.

Erica: Wait, so okay. Also let's rewind.

Kenrya: Yes.

Erica: You was out with your girls, drunk?

Kenrya: Yes. Yes.

Erica: Hey, I'm coming through.

Kenrya: Yep, in a black car, get dropped off, have never been to this place before, find my way-

Erica: And in this time you got this drunk call to his house, he has set up candles and an ambiance.

Kenrya: Yes.

Erica: Continue.

Kenrya: Because poets.

Erica: Yeah, continue.

Kenrya: Yes. So, there's what I now realize is fake chow and there's lots of dry humping and then there's oh oh oh oh oh oh and I'm like, "The fuck is that?" He's like, "I came." So in his, whatever the fuck he had on, while we were dry humping. So...

Erica: I'm sorry y'all, I'm so loud.

Kenrya: So I'm like, "Okay..." We finish up and clean up and I leave and I go home. So fast forward to-

Erica: So, what's it like, "Oh, I usually don't do this."

Kenrya: No.

Erica: Or it was just a, "We're done, thank you."

Kenrya: It was like a, "I came." And I was so, confused.

Erica: Because I get it. The thing is sometimes you might not have it in you. So if the fake chow was real chow, then maybe I'd be like-

Kenrya: It was not real chow, I did not come.

Erica: Okay. All right. Keep going. So you get home...

Kenrya: So yeah I get home, whatever. Fast forward, I don't know, maybe a week, we're talking and I'm still young and dumb and kind of made me want to do it again, but actually have sex because reality is, we didn't really have sex, right? Like there was no actual oral. There was definitely no penetration. And he's like, "Well, you know..." What?

Erica: Continue the story and I'll ask later.

Kenrya: Okay. He reveals...

Erica: What?

Kenrya: That he has a girlfriend.

Erica: So that was his like, "I didn't actually cheat. I just..."

Kenrya: "I didn't fuck her." Yeah. This was... I realize in hindsight, when he told me, that the fake chow, the dry humping until he came was his way of being able to get off without having to-

Erica: Nigga you should've just masturbated.

Kenrya: ... without having to actually say that he had sex with somebody else.

Erica: If I were-

Kenrya: Abusing our good friend, dry humping,

Erica: If I was dry humping, I would've smacked that nigga in the face. Because it's like, you used me for nothing.

Kenrya: Yeah. Like to no fucking end. And obviously once he told me that it was over. So, that was the end of that.

Erica: Also, if I was his girlfriend, I would be like, you went through all of this to not cheat, to like have a little loophole of not cheating, like no don't even cause even more than like the infidelity of like our relationship. It is like, you worked so hard to exploit this one loophole. You're fucking disgusting.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Okay. So I should ask this question first, because now it's like the punchline, just, eh.

Kenrya: Yeah, told you.

Erica: So, if you didn't know about the girlfriend and you said young and dumb, how the situation went down, candles, dry humping, fake chow, tofu chow we'll call it. Tofu, puss is fake puss. So dry humping, candles, tofu pussy, would you have gone back?

Kenrya: Yep, because I was young and dumb.

Erica: Well, no. If the now Kenrya was in that situation, would you go back if he had, had a conversation about it?

Kenrya: About what? About coming in his pants?

Erica: Yeah. Like, "Aw man. I was really excited."

Kenrya: Oh sure, things happen.

Erica: Yeah.

Kenrya: He will only get one of those and-

Erica: The fact that he didn't say shit, makes it like-

Kenrya: Well, but then also, all right. That's cool. Now you need to make me come. It's ain't over now. We not pulling up our-

Erica: Ain't nobody said you can go yet.

Kenrya: Right.

Erica: You got work to do.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Oh my gosh. Okay, well dry humping, our good friend DH.

Kenrya: Yeah.

Erica: Darrell.

Kenrya: No.

Erica: Huge abode.

Kenrya: Nope.

Erica: I'm trying to come up with... No. Our good friend, dry humping, we are sorry that you were abused in that situation.

Kenrya: We are really, truly.

Erica: That person was a bitch ass motherfucker to pull you out, you in your bed asleep, enjoying a quiet night and pull you out so that he could rub his dick against his boxers, so that he could technically tell his girlfriend that he didn't cheat on her.

Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Erica: Bitch asses. Okay. The theme of that story is niggas going to nig.

Kenrya: Exactly.

Erica: All right. Well that wraps up this week's quickie.

Kenrya: Thanks for joining us.

Erica: Thank you. I'm so upset. It's fucking abusing my home boy. He don't even get enough play as adults and then when adults do pull them out, they just play him like that.

Kenrya: On some bullshit.

Erica: Fuck that. Okay. This is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes, making it clap. Dink.

Kenrya: Bitch. Whatever.

[theme music]

Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and Get Off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app. Then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something. That's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two-for-one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations and sex end related questions. And follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla.