The Turn On

Quickie 23 | Mailbag: Dating Apps

12/30/2020

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TRANSCRIPT
Kenrya: Come here. Get off.

[theme music]

Erica: Welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. We have a few mailbag questions that we are going to answer from you, our amazing listeners. So let's just jump right in.

Kenrya: Let's get it.

Erica: You know what, I will call this the online dating edition, because these all follow a theme. So first question, can you do a top five dating apps for various preferences, like women seeking men, women seeking women, looking for older partners, younger partners, kinks.

Kenrya: So this is like our dating wheelhouse, right?

Erica: Yeah. This has been our wheelhouse and I will say, Killa, you have been... Your intentionality in online dating has just been really good to see. That combined with just therapy and knowing myself more and being unafraid to ask for what I want, has made me so much a better online dater. Online dating isn't trash. It's just you got to know... You got to be willing to cut shit off.

Kenrya: Yes. Once you realize the things that don't serve you and get really good at moving on and not feeling like you owe people anything, it gets a lot easier. It's a lot less energy. It doesn't take so much of your energy.

Erica: So there are a few sites that we're going to just talk about. One of them, that I like, is called SeekingArrangements, also Seeking. I think the website is Seeking.com, but this is for people, that want a sugar baby. So if you're a sugar baby and you're looking for a sugar daddy, sugar mama, whatever, you put a profile on Seeking and you find people. It's like a regular dating app, it's just people want actual arrangements. Some people are very clear about the fact, that I am married and I want a side piece.

Erica: My wife does know, my wife doesn't know. My husband knows, my husband doesn't know. So you just got to go in depth on the profiles, but I actually was on Seeking for a little bit and met people. I guess, they were good. It's just the situation didn't line up. It wasn't for me. The relationships weren't for me.

Kenrya: It's a good tool for those, who are-

Erica: It's a good tool. Also, if you are a college student or still have your .edu email address, you can get a premium account for free. So, that's also something to think about. And then, if you do a couple of Google searches, you can probably find a code or something. No, you can find how to do a good profile and that kind of thing, because let's be real, people pay for pussy and dick all the time. You might be paying with your time. You might be paying with dinner. Some people just want cash. So, call a spade, a spade and let's do it. So yeah, Seeking was good. It was a really good interface and you can find lots of people. I did find that there were a lot more white men on there than Black men, but I still found Black men.

Kenrya: Word. Their website it is indeed Seeking.com and it says, "Upgrade your relationships, where beautiful and successful people find mutually beneficial relationships." That pretty much sums it up really well.

Kenrya: So, my first rec is Coffee Meets Bagel. And that is where I found my partner, after quite some time on another one of the apps, which we're going to mention. And I liked it, because it lets you filter who you are looking for. So with a lot of apps, you really can only say the gender of the person that you're looking for and maybe age and then they go by your location. And that's really all that you can do. But with Coffee Meets Bagel, you can put in race and ethnicity. You can drill down a lot more than you can on other apps and so it felt less like sorting through a massive... It felt less like entering a hoarder house and more like sorting through a dumpster.

Kenrya: So it was easier to find. And then, they recommend people to you every day. You only get a certain number of bagels. I never really quite understood the concept, but they would serve up people to you every day and be like, do you like this person? Yes or no, kind of a deal. And so, even if you weren't actively going through and looking for folks, they would find people that matched based on the criteria that you put in and put them before you. It felt like less work, but it felt like more detailed work. And for me, I was on there for a few months when I found my partner and it worked out well, obviously. So I like it. If you know what you're looking for it’s good for hyper-focusing on that. That worked really well for me. What about you, E?

Erica: So I use Hinge. Same situation, but before I started using Hinge, I used Bumble. And Bumble was the first app, that I used when I got in the whole online dating thing.

Kenrya: Me too. And I did your profile.

Erica: Yes, Kills did my profile and this was when I decided, "Hey, I just want to have lots of sex." So Bumble was different. I like it because women run the show. So no conversation begins without the woman making the first move. Few things. And on the apps I'm just looking for men. I haven't like looked for looked... I wasn't looking for woman, but so I guess I don't know how it works on the lesbian side of things, on the same sex side of things. But anyway, so using Bumble definitely made me more sympathetic of when I get shitty pickup lines from guys, because cause it's like, you really have no idea what the fuck you're saying.

Kenrya: You really have to figure them shits out.

Erica: Let me play with your titties. So it definitely made me more aware of that, but it was also good to see, who could just keep a conversation going. Also, with Bumble, you can't really filter by preference, but I paid for the premium for three months or something.

Kenrya: So you can see, who likes you, who swiped on you.

Erica: Exactly. So you see who swiped on you. So for that, it automatically gave me mostly Black guys or white guys or Asian guys or whoever.

Kenrya: It gave me all kinds of people. [crosstalk 00:07:40] But it's nice to be able to see who has already swiped on you.

Erica: Exactly. So it's like, you're picking from a pile of people, that have already expressed interest. It was good. I haven't found a partner on it, but I definitely think it was good. And then, I also like that it would show you if people were just in town visiting, which was a clear, “I'm just trying to fuck.” So yeah, Bumble was a good one.

Erica: So now we're going to go into the dating apps that we've heard about, got recommendations from other people but necessarily haven't tried ourselves. So we can't really vouch for them. I always laugh about OurTime, but look, it's an app. It's out there. It's for older people. And so if you're looking for someone, that's a little more seasoned in age... Even though, I do think we, there are older people on all the apps, but OurTime, I guess, it's the Jitterbug phone of online dating. It's geared towards older people.

Kenrya: That's not nice. But you said it's simple right. It has full features. It's just exactly what you need and it's easy to use.

Erica: Oh damn, I wasn't trying to be shady.

Kenrya: It's just, when I hear Jitterbug, it makes me giggle. Maybe I'm a child.

Erica: What you got, Killa?

Kenrya: So, another one, that we heard of, but haven't used ourselves, but that our research tells us is lovely, is the app Her, which is for lesbians or for women and for queer folk. And as women all of our gorgeous iterations, that we come in. So I saw a few different ones when I was doing research and this was the only one that actually had people of color right up front and center. And not just a couple of white cisgender women listed on the site, which I just thought was hopefully a great sign. They've already got four million women in their database. So they're saying, "It's a little rinky dink." Something, that you coming in and won't actually have a good field of people to connect with.

Kenrya: And so, it looks really interesting. It looks like they are backed by a group of folks who are, again, not just white. I can't stress enough how important that is, when you're doing these apps, when the only folks that are on there are people, who you may not necessarily feel aligned with. They have a blog, which is cool. All the stuff, with articles like all things oral and things that are very much targeted toward their... Confidence boosting workout tips for tops, bottoms and switches. This is interesting.

Erica: Maybe they got some knee strengthening-

Kenrya: The blog is actually really dope. How do you masturbate when you don't have privacy? Somebody should send us a question about that for our future mailbag.

Erica: I like it.

Kenrya: So, that's our pick for women and other queer folks who do not identify as a man, that maybe there is somebody there for you in that space, whether it's that you're looking for a friend or you're looking for a friend.

Erica: A friend-friend. I talked to my gay people and gay men people. No, that sounds really weird.

Kenrya: It's like my African Americans.

Erica: My African Americans. And so, I talked to my gay expert and he said, that he liked Jack'd. Jack'd is a dating website for gay, bi, trans and queer people. I think, it's primarily men, because it's says a lot of “hes” on the website. And they pride themselves on being diverse. When I asked my gay... I need better language. I'm so sorry y’all.

Kenrya: I understand that you're trying to not out the person, who you're talking about.

Erica: I'm not trying to identify, who...

Kenrya: I get it. They're very out.

Erica: They're very open in their sexuality.

Kenrya: But that don't mean they want to be on the podcast.

Erica: Exactly. So, when I talked to him, he was like, "Jack'd is for Black people." So Jack'd is the more diverse community. I guess, you find your folks. It's a locations kind of thing. You also can do anonymous browsing. You can also see how often they respond to messages and what kind of people they're into. So I actually I'm like-

Kenrya: That's a nice feature.

Erica: Who else gives me, that kind of insight. So, that's what we have. If y'all have a suggestion of a particular website, that you'd like, please let us know, because I'm still out here in the streets. So let a player know. I'll definitely be your-

Kenrya: Guinea pig.

Erica: Your taste tester.

Kenrya: That's better.

Erica: That's much better. I'll be your taste tester. So refer a bitch.

Kenrya: It's also a double entendre.

Erica: Double entendre. Next question. What is different in meeting by app, in our current world? Speaking from someone who's not familiar with protocols. So I guess, they're just trying to ask, what's normal for, when you're stuck at home doing these Corona dates? What's normal?

Kenrya: They set meetings. So, maybe, even just starting at that beginning of what that looks like. It's interesting. I think, that there used to be a stigma around it, but I don't know that there is any more, at least not in our age group, because we have so many friends, who met their partners, who are married with kids and everything else, who met them online. Shit BlackPlanet.

Erica: No, not BlackPlanet. Black People Meet.

Kenrya: I thought they met on BlackPlanet.

Erica: No, they only met in '87.

Kenrya: Whatever, stuff like that. You know I'm not good with the history. Anyway.

Erica: I can't with you, but okay.

Kenrya: Well, it's interesting, because I've had people say, "Oh, well, you're just talking to a stranger." But honestly, I feel like by the time I swiped on somebody on an app, I know more about them than if they were trying to approach me in a bar or on the street. I know roughly, where you live. And again, it's all the information, that you choose to give, but that's the case, whether talking to them in person or you're talking to them on an app, right? The information is only as good as the person is honest, but I've got a bunch of pictures. So I know what they look like in different lighting situations. I know what they value enough to put in their pictures. If it's a nigga posing with his car, I know to keep swiping. You can learn a lot from somebody from looking at their profile. They give you enough information on whether or not you want to get to know somebody. And I think that you get more of that there than you get with a nigga stopping you on the sidewalk.

Erica: That you literally just meet in the mall. Yeah, meet in the mall. You can tell, I was hanging in Northwest Plaza as a teen. My beeper getting up. I agree. I think it's great, that you get to know so much more information about people, but I also think, that this gives you an opportunity to be more intentional and ask better questions and stuff. Because, first, if I meet you in a bar, I'm probably drunk. I don't really quite remember you. I might be like, he had a beer. And yes, I Google people. I have no problem and Google me. It's fine. So I don't think there's anything very different-

Kenrya: Except, for that you have more information.

Erica: You have more information. I feel like it's a more robust first meeting. I do try my best to not do too much digging. Does that make sense? Because I don't want to form an opinion on you, before I actually meet you.

Kenrya: I usually just do a cursory search, because the world is so small I want to know, who do you know in person.

Erica: Do we have similar Instagram friends, because then, if we do [crosstalk 00:16:43].

Kenrya: And I have found many a person, who we were connected via somebody else on Facebook or whatever or if they went to the same school, that we went to or something like that. And so that cursory search gives you a little bit of information, that you can sprinkle in as you start.

Kenrya: I also think that, in any situation, but maybe it is a little bit easier when you meet somebody online, to get caught in a text cycle, right? Maybe, when you meet somebody in person, you're more likely to get on a phone, but I don't know, because I can't remember the last time a man was courageous enough to walk up on me and have something decent enough to say, that I actually would follow through. Usually, it's trash and we never get to that point, but I could see, that it may be more difficult to break out of the texting cycle, if you meet on an app. I know for me, as Erica said, I was very intentional. So I had a set ice breaker, that I would use because on apps like Bumble, the woman make the first move. So I had a set thing that I always started with.

Kenrya: I don't remember what the hell it was now, to be quite honest, but that was my opening line. They would start the conversation and they will have 48 hours to get back. If I didn't hear from them by then, then you're obviously not interested in me or interested in any of this and it's cool, no love lost. I'd unmatch and we keep moving. If you do respond, but trying to get you to have a conversation is like pulling teeth and you didn't say, "Oh, I'm at work. I'll hit you back later on."

Erica: Don't WYD me to death.

Kenrya: If you do all of that. If every time I ask you a question, you give me a one-sentence or a one-word answer or some bullshit and then you don't ask me a question.

Erica: All you have to say is, "Here's my answer, and you?"

Kenrya: But you'd be surprised, how many people do not do that. They answer the question and then, they just go dark. And they're expecting you to guide every bit of the conversation and guess what, don't have time for that.

Erica: Because you probably need guidance in the bed.

Kenrya: Yes, that too. But also, to me, it shows a lack of overall interest or effort and I'm not about to be the only one putting in effort, now or later, right? And then, if we've been able to maintain a decent conversation and they haven't said anything that is offensive, that hits on any of my automatic no’s, which is hotepery, which is homophobia or transphobia, which is... where is all my other... I wouldn't have swiped on them, if they did a job that I found untenable, which is honestly usually just being a cop.

Kenrya: And then, so I also had things, that were automatic swipes. So the car and your picture, saying that you're sapiosexual. No, thank you. Saying that you are an Alpha. No, thank you. Not an Alpha Phi Alpha, but an alpha male. No, thank you. And then, I expect us to be able to hop on the phone within, I don't know, 72 to 96 hours. Three to four days and have a decent conversation. I'm accounting for the fact, that people may have jobs or be traveling or whatever the hell, but once we get to that point, if we haven't been able to connect and have an actual conversation and it shows me that you're not that interested and that's fine. Again, no love lost. We keep it moving.

Erica: I found that I make the jump quick to talking on the phone. Let me say this. When I have made the jump quicker talking on the phone, it's been organic and it's just it worked better. You start texting in the app and all of a sudden, you're texting back and forth and it's like, "You know what, fuck it. What's your phone number, so we can talk." And then, that's what happens with me. I'm a Gemini. I'm impatient. If you give me 96 hours, 92... What did you say? How many hours?

Kenrya: I said three to four days.

Erica: Three to four days. I ain't going to like you in four days. You got to keep my ass interested from the beginning. I like talking, I like texting and stuff, but I find, that it's easier-

Kenrya: You know me, I hit a wall.

Erica: We get it. And that's the thing, I find that I do better with people that are like, "Fuck that, call me. Let me talk to you. Let me hear your voice." That's what I got for that. Last question. And I'm going to be quiet on this, because I am an ain't shit, bitch. What are the best ways to end a relationship, in the texting norm?

Kenrya: Well, first of all, if texting is the thing, that you're doing, then that's not a relationship. That's just somebody, who you're texting with. If you all haven't graduated to a phone call, then that's just a nigga that you texting with. And I say that, to help us keep things in perspective, because my mantra, when it comes to that, is that you don't owe anybody any fucking thing. So, that does not mean that you ghost people, but it does mean that you are clear and then, you move on. So what I would do, when this was my life, is, usually the moment would come, because somebody has said something ignorant on text. They had ticked one of my non-negotiables or we had gotten on the phone and they said something to me, like they were glad, that Bill Cosby didn't get caught or all of the things that were happening when I was still online dating. And I would get off the phone quickly.

Kenrya: And the reason I would do that, is because I am not about to argue with you about whether or not we should continue this relationship.

Erica: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Kenrya: I would just get off the phone. I would send them a text. Again, it was a standard text. It said, "I don't think we're a good fit for each other, but I wish you really well. Take care." And then, I would block them. Now, why do I block them? Because the people who I would send that message to, very often, there was something that was there to let me know, that this was going to turn into some type of an argument. I can only think of two people in the entire, I don't know what, year and a half or year, that I was online dating, where we were able to continue, where I didn't have to block them, where they felt like a normal enough person and not problematic, where we could continue to talk.

Kenrya: And actually three, where we can continue to just have conversations periodically, without it turning into a thing. In one particular case, this dude was a minister and he said something outlandish about sexual abuse. And I got off the phone. I sent him the message, but my phone is linked to my computer. So I can send text messages from both places and I think this was a Saturday night or something. So I blocked him on my phone. What I didn't know at the time was, that if you don't open your laptop, then the blocking does not transfer over. And it was Saturday. I didn't open my laptop again, until maybe Sunday night or Monday morning. And so I had blocked him, but when I opened my laptop, this nigga had been texting me for 24 hours about how I judged him too quickly, how I was being closed-minded about sexual abuse.

Kenrya: And all of these things about how I needed to give him another chance. There were messages at three, four, five o'clock in the morning. This fool had gone on a whole tear, telling me why I fucked up by telling him that we were not a good fit. You heard what my message was, it was very nice. I didn't even go into details. Why? Because I don't owe you details. So, in my opinion, the best way to do it is to just say, that you are not a fit. You do not owe anyone details and then, you block them and you ain't got to deal with them. And if they leave you a voicemail message, the beautiful thing about that is that now, if you have somebody blocked, their messages drops down to the bottom and you never even know that it came in. It makes me happy. That is my advice for dealing with breaking up with cats, you don't know, online.

Erica: I think it's beautiful. I think it's absolutely, absolutely beautiful. And so, I'm not even going to give my two cents, because I have your ass answering phone calls from niggas. What? Oh, my bad. Uh-huh (negative). I'm feeding my cows, I'll call you later.

Kenrya: Why subject yourself to some shit that you don't want to and you don't have to?

Erica: And again, you don't owe anyone anything. And not even on some disrespectful shit, but we have no investment with one another. So let's just call it a day.

Kenrya: And you should say something, because I was ghosted once in the course of that online dating.

Erica: So, thank you, Kenrya for that, because like I said, I'm trash. It'd be all bad, but anyway, thank you for joining us. This is Erica and Kenrya, your two favorite hoes. Making it clap.

[theme music]

Erica: This episode was produced by us, Erica and Kenrya and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Now you can support The Turn On and get off. Subscribe to the show on your favorite podcast app, then drop us a five-star review and you'll be entered to win something, that's turning us on. Post your review and email a screenshot to us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com to enter. Our Patreon page is also live. Become a supporter today and access lots of goodies, including two for one raffle entries. Don't forget to send us your book recommendations, and sex and related questions and follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. You can find links to books, merch, transcripts, guest info and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com. Thanks for listening. And we'll see you soon. Holla.

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Quickie 23 | Mailbag: Dating Apps

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