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In this episode of The Turn On, Erica and Kenrya read "His Only Wife" by Peace Medie and talk about family bullshit, the lessons we teach our children about love, the sexiness of confident decision making and refusing to make "the best" out of a bad situation.
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Kenrya: Come here. Get off.
Erica: Hey, y’all. So, welcome to this week's episode of The Turn On. This is your lovely host, Erica and Killa. So, we are going to be reading “His Only Wife,” written by Peace Medie? Peace Medie, does that sound about right?
Kenrya: Yeah. That's how I've been seeing it.
Erica: Okay, Peace Medie. Written in September of 2020. So, sit back, relax, get your wine, weed, whatever you need and enjoy.
Kenrya: “His Only Wife,” by Peace Adzo Medie. When I walked into the bedroom, Eli was sitting at the foot of my bed, a towel around his waist. He smiled and patted the space beside him when he saw me and I gingerly did as he asked. "Are you okay?" He asked. "Yes." "Are you okay with me staying?" he asked, clarifying his question. His hands on his thighs. "Yes," I said again. But what was I going to say? He was my husband and he was sitting on my bed almost naked. He hadn't dried himself properly and drops of water clung to the hair on his chest. And now, the rose fragrance of my Lux soap mixed with his scent so that he smelled like both of us combined.
Kenrya: He interrupted my observations with a kiss that began on my lips and trailed over my dress down to my belly. I jumped off the bed when he began to move lower knocking his head with my knee in the process. "Sorry, sorry," I said mortified. "What's wrong?" he asked, rising to his feet before me. One hand rubbing his forehead. He looked concerned. "Nothing," I said. Then added, "Please, I want to switch the light off." "Okay," he said reluctantly and watched me as I scooted to the bedside to switch off the lamp. I lingered there after the room went dark, contemplating my next move. I soon sensed him behind me and then felt his hand tugging at my zipper. I stood still as he peeled my dress off, his hand touching, caressing.
Kenrya: When I was naked before him, even though the air conditioner was running at full blast, I felt hot as though I had a fever. And this time, when he kissed me, his lips made contact with my skin, my nipples, my belly and that place between my legs where I lose all sense of myself, where everything but my body ceases to exist. I forgot about the hair, about having not showered before, it was only after I lay on his damp chest after he had slid into me and caused me to moan so loudly that I feared the security people at the gate had heard me. After he had chanted my name while moving inside me, his eyes half closed, his breath ragged. It was only after all of this that I wondered if he had expected me to be a virgin. I hope not.
Erica: Hey, all. So, Kenrya, thank you so much for that wonderful reading. Okay. So, “His Only Wife” written by Peace Medie, September, 2020. Let's give a quick synopsis. You want to do it? You want me to...
Kenrya: It's all you, playa.
Erica: Oh, all right. So, then there's this chick, her name is Afi. She has a mom, of course, most people do. So, she has a mom. Her dad passed away when she was young and her and her mom have been essentially cared for by her uncle, her dad's brother. Also, this book is set in Ghana. So, when her dad died, tradition says that her dad's brother essentially takes care of the family. Her dad's brother is a fucking jerk. And it's not the best situation for her and her mom.
Erica: Her mom has this homegirl that she worked for. And her homegirl has a son. So, her mom's homegirl goes to her mom as like, "Look, I want to arrange a marriage between my son and your daughter." So, the book opens with this chick at her wedding day, except this man ain't even there. I mean, he agreed to get married to her, but it was very clear that he's just doing this to appease his mom.
Erica: His brother stands in for him. And then, he calls on speaker phone, he's like, "Yeah. I'm away on travel. Have fun at this wedding. And I'll see you when I see you." So, there's that. So then, they get married. She gets married to him through his brother, whatever.
Kenrya: It's a wedding in absentia.
Erica: Okay. Yeah. So, that happens. And so then, Afi and her mom moved to the big city and essentially they're set up in this apartment and it's like, "Okay. This is your apartment as a couple. Get it set up, start your life. Your husband will be there to meet you." And then, hijinks ensue dot dot dot.
Erica: Is that the best way?
Erica: There's a lot that happens, but I don't want to get too far.
Kenrya: How much do we say? Yeah.
Erica: Yeah. And I'll be very honest. I'm probably going to give some spoilers. Not many, but it's hard to tell a story without it, right?
Erica: Okay. So, first, when I read the description of the book, I think they described it as a fairytale. No, she gets swept away into a fairytale life because that's how it's sold to her. The family's like, "He's super rich. He's super handsome. You'll be his wife. You get to move to the city and be like this."
Kenrya: Have a new life.
Erica: Have a new life. Yeah. She is really interested in...
Kenrya: She makes-
Erica: I was going to say clothes construction. I know there's a better term for it.
Kenrya: She's a-
Erica: Yeah. She's a fashion designer. And so, she was doing work in the city... I mean, in her village, but now she's in the city and he has friends and family and is super connected. So, on the strength of his name, she gets a job at this amazing fashion designer’s company. And she's her assistant or something like that. So, yeah. It's sold as a fairytale and her whole family is in her ear the entire fucking time like, "This is perfect for you. This is perfect for you." For two reasons: one, her uncle who is just horrible, right?
Kenrya: I hate that nigga.
Erica: Yeah. He was...
Kenrya: From the beginning.
Erica: From the beginning.
Erica: He treated her family... Her and her mom as an afterthought. But then, when this happened, she became the cash cow and it was like, "Okay. I took care of you, how are you going to take care of us?" And he would do stupid shit like...
Kenrya: Showing up-
Erica: Showing up.
Kenrya: And not leaving until they gave him money.
Erica: Dumping his kids on them. Remember that? Yeah. So, the whole...
Kenrya: He didn't even treat her as a... He wouldn't even let them stay with him after her dad died. He was a piece of shit.
Erica: Yeah. So, there was that. He was treating them like shit. And so, her uncle was like, "This is more money. Go do it." Her mom is like, "You get to be..." Was there a thing of disgrace?
Kenrya: Well, she had a relationship with the mother of her new husband.
Kenrya: And she's the one who basically took them in and took care of them after the father died. And so, for her being able to supply a wife felt like payback for all the ways that this woman had helped her over the years.
Kenrya: And so, she felt like she'd be disgraced within her church circle and within the community if her daughter didn't take advantage of this opportunity that was put in front of her.
Erica: Yeah. And you mentioned a church circle, reminded me of a part of the story because... Yeah. There was all this pressure on her by the family to do something, to marry this man. And then, you mentioned the church circle. I guess this is a spoiler, but whatever. So, part of the reason why he's not there is because this man got a whole ’nother mistress.
Erica: Yeah. Common law, right? Or whatever. They're not married, but that's his wife.
Kenrya: No, they were married, but they were divorced or something. He filed paperwork. The story is that they were married, but then he dissolved it, is the story that was passed down.
Erica: Oh, okay. And that's another thing. It was...
Kenrya: There's a lot of versions of stories.
Erica: It was written in book. So, it seemed like she made up something, I made up something. But yeah. The whole situation was just well, he had this chick and this happened and this happened. So, it was a bunch of telephone about what's really going on. But long story short, she goes into the big city with her mom. She has a driver and this amazing condo and she just lives alone, waiting for her husband to show up.
Erica: And I found it interesting. And I think I've seen this in relationships that I've had. I've seen this in relationships around me. His family totally co-signed on his fuck shit just for the sake of him getting a woman that they approve of. I was talking to this chick who was telling me about how she was dating this guy and his mother was like, "Girl, get out." Yeah. She was like, "This ain't where you need to be. I have a nice son, but this ain't for you."
Erica: And I was like, "Damn. That's pretty selfless of the mom to be like..." Because there are a lot of times that families are like, "Yeah, girl. He's the best." Because they want him off their payroll.
Kenrya: Listen, I had somebody tell me, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here so you can take care of him now." And I was young and dumb.
Erica: "Yeah. I'll take care of him." Yeah. No, that was...
Kenrya: Thought it was a joke. It was not a joke.
Erica: At all. And so, every time there was a disappointment or some fuck shit. I was going to say... The whole marriage was some fuck shit, but it was very quiet fuck shit. There wasn't like any... I'm out in the street, cussing a nigga out fuck shit. So, the family was like, "It's okay. You'll be fine." Which made me think... So, at some point the husband, Eli, does show up and he had enough... He kept giving her crumbs that kept making her hope and think that more would happen. And even as I was reading the book, I was really rooting for Eli at one point. And then, I'm like, "Wait, he's a jerk. What the fuck?"
Kenrya: For him to get it together and be who she wanted him to be.
Erica: Yes. But then, I was like... I mean, she wrote really good characters because who the fuck roots for the villain? And he was the villain.
Kenrya: I don't know if he was the villain.
Erica: I mean, his whole family was the villain, but he was a villain.
Kenrya: His mama, to me, was the villain. It's interesting.
Erica: But he went along with that shit.
Kenrya: Oh, but then... Yeah.
Erica: He went along with that shit.
Kenrya: I just remembered the end.
Erica: He went along with that shit and he went along with giving her hope. It would be different if they got together and he was like, "Look, this situation, my family's fucking driving me crazy. So, here we are, you can live this life. I'll continue to care for you, but this is what it's going to be." I would've been like, "Cool."
Erica: But he was on this, I'm going to sell you this dream. And so, to me, that's what made him villain.
Erica: And this happens a lot of times, granted you weren't the one pulling the trigger, but you definitely were the one sopping up all the rewards of this fucked up situation. And so, yeah. That definitely made him the villain in my eyes, which is why when I was rooting for him to get his shit together. I was like, "Wait, bitch. I can't do this. You're on the wrong team."
Kenrya: "What am I doing?"
Erica: And it also made me wonder about Eli's mistress, Mona... Mistress, wife, the other chick. It made me think about her side of the story. What was she being told?
Kenrya: I'm sure she was being told half truths the entire fucking time.
Erica: Yeah. I mean, on one hand, yes, I do... It's hard because the way his family and friends talked about her made me feel like she wasn't the type of character that would be down for some fuck shit. That wouldn't even believe half truths that would be fed to her.
Kenrya: Yeah. But I don't actually think that the way that they represented her was authentic to who she was. I think it was this story that they put together to make her seem unpalatable because there's another character who actually has met her and she was like, "She's great. She's not this terrible bitchy ‘don't come near my child, don't speak to me’ person that she is being portrayed to be."
Erica: Yes. And I understand that this was all coming from a “we hate her” lens. But even though we hate her lens, reading what they were saying she did, through the lens of we hate her. To me, it just sounded like she was a very independent, I'm not going for bullshit kind of woman.
Kenrya: She stood up for herself.
Erica: Simple as that. She stood up for her herself.
Kenrya: Yeah. And they didn't like that shit.
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: And they ain't like that shit. They wanted somebody they could run.
Erica: Exactly. And so, for that reason, I feel like she was probably giving that nigga the business when he got home. Because when he spent a significant period of time, was she pissed at him and left? Or was she just on vacation?
Kenrya: She was out of the country.
Erica: I thought it was on some, "I'm gone, I need some space." Type shit.
Kenrya: Again. I think that there were so many lies. I think she was legitimately just out of the country, but they made it seem as if she was fleeing. I think that... It can be hard when people are constantly fucking lying, but I just feel like it became clearer and clearer that you really couldn't trust anything that anyone in his family said. Yeah. Including him.
Erica: Yeah. And there was this whole... We're together for the sake of the kids. That's what Eli was telling Afi like, "My kid's sick and we're together for the sake of the kids." I have heard that from a number of men where they're like, "We're together for the sake of the kids." And some women. And I'm like, "Do you truly believe that?" And I do think some people truly believe that it's better just to be together and have an arrangement per se, than just being apart and happy.
Kenrya: Sounds terrible to me.
Erica: Do you think people really believe that?
Kenrya: Yeah. I know some people right now who are with their people who they like well enough, but aren't necessarily in love with them because they feel like they want to give their children this two parent household. In a lot of cases, those people didn't have that growing up. And so, they have this idea that that is somehow better for their children. And I'm speaking specifically right now, some folks who are not at each other's throats all the time, but aren't really...
Erica: In love.
Kenrya: Yeah. But they're like, "Well, we'll do this until the kids is gone. And then, we can figure out what to do after that." And then, experienced people who use it in the way that I feel like Eli was where it's like, "I am using this as my cover story to continue to not give you what you need and what you're asking for. And still be able to spend time and be a life of this person who I claim I don't want to be with because we have this child and I can use that relationship as a pawn." Right?
Kenrya: But yeah, I do think that there are some people who think that that is better. But I know, for me, the thing that made me leave past relationships is I did not want my child to think she had to settle.
Kenrya: For less than.
Erica: I want my child to see happiness.
Erica: And joy and love. And even if it's just me loving on myself, I want you to grow up in a home like that. Yeah.
Kenrya: Yeah. And kids aren't stupid.
Erica: I met a guy, he has a fucking three month old and was on that shit. I was like, "Nigga, you got a long fucking way."
Kenrya: Oh, my God.
Erica: Yeah. I think that was more his story he was telling himself and thinking, "I gave a fuck about." Like, "Nigga, no. Because one, either you're married or two, you can't make a strong decision and stick with it." Either way, I ain't fucking-
Kenrya: Also, three months.
Kenrya: I don't want nobody that's got a three month old because that's a huge time commitment. And you're going to have to spend a lot of time with your ex. So, you should just focus there for a while.
Erica: Did tell you about the guy I matched with that had the kid.
Kenrya: I don't think so.
Erica: So, I was on the apps, matched with this guy. We're talking. I'm like, "Oh, you got kids?" He said, "Yeah, I got a daughter. She was just born."
Erica: And then, he went into this like, "Oh, but we're not together." And I'm like, "That is the last of my... Even if y’all was together, you have an infant. So, there ain't much time for lovey dovey shit." So, that ain't even my concern. My concern is this chick just pushed a whole fucking baby out. Her entire life is consumed with this child and your ass out here on apps. And I was talking to him-
Kenrya: Like fucking Lawerence on “Insecure.”
Erica: Yes. And I was talking to this guy about it and he was like, "Yeah. Well, at that age, there's not much for it. The kid is really dependent on the mom." Or something. I'm like, "Okay."
Kenrya: The last person that said that to me almost got kicked in the fucking throat.
Erica: I was like, "Even if that's how you see it, your role needs to be 24/7 support. Your ass needs to be there making breakfast, making lunch, making cooling pads. Whatever the fuck it is that's happening, you need to be there supporting her, even if y’all not together." It's crazy because people... Yeah, it's crazy. And I can't help but think about what's the other person thinking of.
Erica: And not that I'm captain save a hoe, but I find myself asking a lot when I'm dating and you have kids. “So, what's your custody arrangements?” Because to me, that says a lot. If you, one, are willing to leave your kids, not that you don't trust the mother, but leave your kids with their mom 24/7. And also, you're just fucking evil and stingy because I know when that kid crosses a graduation stage or shows up at the Grammys, your Black ass is going to be there front row.
Kenrya: Talking about, "That's my baby." When you ain't did shit for them.
Erica: Exactly. So, anyway. Okay. So, you mentioned this, there was a person that was Afi's friend and really.... Was her real support through this whole situation. It was Evelyn. So, Afi and her mom moved into this condo building and they had this amazing condo. There was a chick on the same floor down the hall, Evelyn, who was her brother's mistress and she had a condo.
Kenrya: Her brother-in-law's mistress.
Erica: You're right. The whole family got a whole... Yeah. Her brother-in-law's mistress and that relationship I found interesting. I thought initially that Evelyn and... Afi had a cousin that was her closest cousin.
Kenrya: Oh, yeah. Who she talked to-
Erica: Who I thought... For a minute, I was like, "Oh. This is a nice, stable, sane person you can talk to through this." But when shit started going left, then the cousin was like... Well, I think everybody, but the cousin was like, "Just stick around. It'll be okay." Where Evelyn was doing the same thing, but Evelyn was on some like, "This is what it's going to be. So, you need to make the best of it." Which I think is... What'd you say?
Kenrya: Well, yeah. But also, to make a choice, right? Like, "Are you going to stay here with this being what it is and make the best of it? Or are you going to just be like, 'Fuck it.'" But make a choice.
Erica: Yes. And I think her cousin was on the stay, and not make the best of it, but stay and be delusional about the fact that this man got a whole ’nother wife and kid.
Kenrya: It was definitely a more traditional view.
Erica: A more traditional view. And again, it made me think about... For me, I would've loved... I mean, I loved the story because it was a really well written book. But I definitely would've loved had Eli been like, "Little girl, this is my family, they acting a fool, but here you can have all of this..." Because essentially he was ready to give her all of that. Home, all of this shit.
Erica: And I definitely got sad a little bit when Afi started chasing the idea that she was really going to be his wife. Initially, she saw it for what it was.
Kenrya: She was skeptical.
Erica: Right? And then, she slowly started digging into the concept of, "This is my husband, I'm his wife." And so, when she got to the point where she dug her heels in and was like, "Look, I want this." I'm trying to figure out how not to...
Kenrya: Don't say too much. Yeah.
Erica: Yeah. When she was like, "I want this." And made an ultimatum, I was just like, "Oh, bitch. Come on, girl. I was rooting for you." Because you could tell it was one of the situations where she truly felt like, "This is my rightful place."
Kenrya: Because she fell in love. At first she was skeptical about the whole thing, especially because he didn't show up at the wedding. But then, once he did show up, she fell for him. Before, he was an idea.
Kenrya: And then, he was a person who was telling her all the things that she wanted to hear.
Erica: I have had relationships and people in my life where they were easy to love, easy to fall for. And I have like, not so much as written down a list, but I definitely kept a list of shit they did in my head to remind myself as I start slipping.... I mean, shit, even now as I'm dating and I think about settling for someone that doesn't fit the criteria, hold the values, that check off all the boxes for me, which it's not like got to be taller than 5'7". But don't check off all the boxes for me, I have to remind myself of how it feels to be in a marriage with someone that is not for you. And then, that's like, "Okay, girl. You can't do this."
Kenrya: Don't do this.
Erica: And I needed Afi to... She should have had that shit written on her hand. Like, "This nigga did not show up to our wedding, didn't show up to our wedding." Because it was just like, "Girl." And it's difficult.
Kenrya: But she's so young.
Erica: And I was going to say, it's difficult because she's young and she has her family.... Not even just her family, everybody in her ear talking about-
Kenrya: And on her back.
Kenrya: Her wealth that she gets from being married into this family really impacts her family. They don't have a lot. And so, she's not just carrying her own emotions and hopes and dreams. She's carrying all of their shit too.
Kenrya: For better or for worse.
Erica: And her mom was really on something like... Not even just wealth, but like you said, her mom and her mom's entire social life, support system, all of that.
Erica: And so, it was sad. But by the end of the book... I think about the character at the beginning of the book and the end of the book, two totally different people. I do think, by the end of the book, she had grown and used some of those experiences to shape her into who she was. But you could see the growth that she had done in that period and how it helped propel her and her family into a place of peace, into a place of, "This is where we are, this is how things are and I'm good with that."
Erica: I mean, yeah, she was young. She wasn't able to push back or push her ideas. I'm thinking by the end of the story, was her mom back with her?
Kenrya: She had set her up somewhere.
Erica: Oh, yeah. She sure did. And so, I think that's why her mom was a little more like, "Okay, girl. Do whatever you want to." Because her mom was like, "I'm good now. Peace out." Okay. The relationship with Afi and Eli's family. It reminds me of how when you're in a relationship with someone... And I'm not sure if you felt it, maybe you have, because we both live in a city where we don't have any family right here with us, right?
Erica: And so, it's easy for us to get consumed by our partner’s family, because we don't have our family with us. You get what I'm saying?
Kenrya: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Erica: And so, again, it's easy to hear everybody in your ear about them, but occasionally you have somebody in the family that's like, "Even in spite of that girl, dude was right for you." I was hoping Eli's sister was that person. But again, she was just all in that fuck shit. It was reading the... What?
Kenrya: No, I was just... Yeah, they were uniformly-
Erica: Uniformly on this... We're just going to help mind fuck this girl into... And it was just really... I don't even think it was on some, "We care about Eli." It was just on some like, "We hate this other bitch. So, we are going to do everything we can to take that situation down." But it reminded me when I was younger living out here because my family is so close and it connected and we get together often and all that kind of thing, I found myself in other relationships being so a part of their family that it would influence our relationship. You follow me?
Kenrya: I think so, yeah.
Erica: Which fucking sucked. Obviously, you probably haven't because you be like, "Hmm."
Kenrya: Yeah. I mean, you know me,
Erica: I know you.
Kenrya: I'll be in a corner minding my fucking business. So, not so much. Yeah. All I'm thinking of are times when people came with me wrong and I had to let them know. So, that's all I got.
Erica: Yeah. I know exactly the situation that you are talking about. It definitely reminded me that. Okay. So, another thing that this story really... I don't know if it was triggering, triggering is probably the wrong word. Afi wanted to be the perfect wife for Eli. Again, I think it had a lot to do with her youth, but it was...
Kenrya: And culture.
Erica: Yeah. Oh, this book was such an interesting look at the Ghanaian culture and the city. Peace did a really good job of describing the streets and how things looked and smelled and all the bustling in the city versus the village. She did a really good job of all of that.
Erica: Okay. So, yeah. So, she wanted to be such the perfect wife and her mama was all on her ass like, "Girl, do this. This is what a wife does. This is what a wife does." Even down to the... They had means to have a maid and somebody clean and all of that. And she was like, "No, I'm going to do this to prove myself and prove my worth as a wife."
Kenrya: Or she would make three different meals because she didn't know what he liked. And she wanted to make sure that he would love what I ever she made. So, when he showed up, she'd have three meals completely prepared for him, shit that it took her two days to make.
Erica: Ugh. I used to. And it was when I connected my value, what I could do or what I could produce. I don't do that shit no more because I'm like, "Look, you here because it’s me either you like it or you don't, but my ability to keep clean baseboards ain't got shit to do with that." Also, I think people forget how little of a fuck niggas give about that shit.
Kenrya: Yeah. They don't pay-
Erica: They don't pay attention to that. No, they don't. Maybe having extra food is nice.
Kenrya: They're like most people, they're thinking about how you make them feel.
Erica: Yeah. And three meals don't. Although nice, not so much. I was talking to a friend last night, she did an at home date with this guy because COVID and this nigga delivered meals from three different restaurants to the house so that she could pick. And I was like, "Now, that was cute." Also, because she was like... "I said I was coming over, we were going to eat dinner. And he made a decision. He picked food." She was like, "It was a sexiest thing." Like, "Yes, it is."
Kenrya: Yeah. Making decisions-
Erica: What'd you say?
Kenrya: Making good decisions is-
Erica: Or just make... Well, yes. But first step is just making a fucking decision.
Kenrya: Well, that's why I put good in the-
Erica: Yeah. Because I was thinking... I think we might have mentioned this on the show before, but we've had conversations about guys that are like, "Well, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want?" And I had to remember... I mean, I had this with guys like, "Well, what do you want? What do you want?" I'm like, "Okay. Look, I want you to make a decision. I will find something to eat wherever we go. Pick."
Erica: If you still say, "What do you want?" Or like, "No, you pick." I'm going to fucking flip a table. Because I've been very clear about the situation at hand. And I probably also include in that speech, I like a man that can make a decision. That can make a decisive decision.
Kenrya: Well, and you can ask questions to make it. I remember when I was going on the first date that almost didn't happen with my partner when I thought-
Erica: The decision.
Kenrya: We got disconnected and washed my hair. Before that. No, this was before that, when his phone-
Erica: Oh, yeah.
Kenrya: Something happened and it wasn't taking messages. And I thought that this nigga ghosted me, so I washed my hair and settled in. What he ended up doing was... He had already asked me about my food preferences and allergies just in the course of conversation. And he still does this. I mean, now he knows what I eat. But he researched a ton of restaurants and then found something that he knew would have at least...
Kenrya: Literally, his thing was I had to be able to eat at least five things on a menu that weren't salads. And so, he would only take me to places that met that criteria. So, I would go wherever he picked because he took the time to figure out what I liked and what I couldn't eat. And then, he would just make a fucking decision and we would go.
Erica: That is so nice. So, you weren't relegated to eat in [crosstalk 00:38:53].
Erica: Cheese off the top.
Kenrya: And I remember texting you and one of our friends and being like, "This is nice, right? Because the bar's on the floor." So, I was like, [inaudible 00:39:09]. "This is nice."
Erica: Is this expected? Nice. And that's the shit that sucks. Because as you're dating, you're like, "Am I supposed to be excited about this? Because I'm excited, but is this..."
Kenrya: "Or is this basic?"
Erica: "Am I basic? Or is this nice?"
Erica: Play a whole fucking...
Kenrya: It's the whole game.
Erica: The whole game.
Kenrya: It's a terrible game.
Erica: And this story... It made me think. I remember I was in a relationship. I might have mentioned which one before on the show. But I was in a relationship and my partner, the person I was dating at the time did something I was so excited about and I told my therapist and she was like, "Girl, you got crumbs. You're excited about crumbs?" And I was like, "Well, when you put it that way, I feel dumb."
Erica: She didn't mean to make me feel dumb, but this entire fucking story was her just getting crumbs and making due and being happy with it. And it hurt my heart because it was one of... She was just a baby stuck in a... Also, he moved her from her family, isolation.
Erica: He moved her from her family and she was just a baby, just trying to figure this out on her own fucking sucks, especially when you have no support to help you make good decisions.
Kenrya: Oh, yeah. Because y’all, Erica said that her mom came, but she just came to get her settled and she went home.
Erica: Oh, yeah.
Kenrya: She was just by herself out here in a new city trying to figure shit out.
Erica: In a new city, not even being from the city. It'd be different if she was from another city and was like, "Okay. This is a new city, but I can still make my way around." She was even fucking amazed at the number of... I think she went to the grocery store or something and was amazed at the number of something she could select.
Kenrya: Or when she went to the indoor mall.
Kenrya: It was like, "This is not the market."
Erica: Yeah. Which further ingrains in me that I have to make sure that what I'm doing with my child and the little children around me, little people around me is being a person that is supportive. And yes, all parents have a... "I want my kid’s life to look like whatever." I'm not into specifics. Mine is generally just happy and out my house, whatever. And out my house more from being self-sufficient but not like "You got to rush out."
Erica: But anyway. And so, this just reminds me that even if it's something that I want my kids to do, I just got to give them the space because I don't want them to feel like if I make a decision, they're going to let me down. All right. That's all I got. You got anything else?
Kenrya: I don't think so.
Erica: Okay. Well, we're going to take a break. And then, we will get to our next segment.
Kenrya: What's turning us on?
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Erica: Okay, you all, we're back. So, what's turning me on? Recently I went to a conference... I have this thing about books. I love books. I can't stop buying them. Every time I buy one, the other ones cackle, "Welcome. You'll be sitting on this shelf to just be stared at." But I be reading my books.
Erica: Anyway. So, what's turning me on? This book. It is called, “Let's Talk About It, Teens Guide to Sex Relationships and Being a Human Being.” I like this because it's one of those books that helps parents talk to their kids about sex, but it's more like a graphic novel.
Kenrya: Oh, that's dope.
Erica: And it has like, "What is gender and sexuality? What is a relationship? What is consent? What is the first?" That kind of thing. But what I really like about it is that it uses all types, all color, sizes and ethnicities as well as abilities. So, see there, there's a person in a wheelchair. There's some Black people. There's a White guy, fat and it's not a book that sugar coats anything, see?
Erica: There's a vagina. Those are nipples and breasts and they look different. So, I really like this book because one, it helps kids. As a parent, it helps you talk about sex with your kid, especially if you're a parent that's just like, "Here, read this book, we'll talk about it later."
Erica: And it features all colors, all sizes, all shapes. And I just think it is so dope. They even have a chapter on sexting. So, I think this is a really dope book for parents of little people. I definitely think it's a little bit older.
Kenrya: I was going to say, what age group do you think it's best for?
Erica: I think teens. Teens, preteens, don't give this to your third grader. Yeah. They talk about porn and how you can safely navigate kinks in porn. But it ain't really real what... It's not always really real. So, yeah. This is what's turning me on, a book that helps you, as a parent, talk to your little people about sex, your medium people. We don't call them little people, medium people about sex. Okay. I'm good. Anything else for the good of order? All righty. Well, this is Erica and Kenrya, two hoes making a clap.
Kenrya: This episode was produced by us, Kenrya and Erica, and edited by B'Lystic. The theme music is from Brazy. Hit subscribe right now in your favorite podcast app and at YouTube.com/TheTurnOnPodcast, so you'll never miss an episode.
Erica: Then follow us on Twitter @TheTurnOnPod and Instagram @TheTurnOnPodcast. And you can find links to books, transcripts, guest info, what's turning us on, and other fun stuff at TheTurnOnPodcast.com.
Kenrya: And don't forget to email us at TheTurnOnPodcast@gmail.com with your book recommendations and your pressing sex-and related questions.
Erica: And you can support the show by leaving us a five-star review, buying some merch or becoming a patron of the show. Just head to TheTurnOnPodcast.com to make that happen.
Kenrya: Thanks for listening and we'll see you soon. Holla.
The Turn On
The Turn On is a podcast for Black people who want to get off. To open their minds. To learn. To be part of a community. To show that we love and fuck too, and it doesn't have to be political or scandalous or dirty. Unless we want it to be.